15 years sober - still hot & cold - dating

[SS234]

I met a recovering alcoholic 1.5 years ago. We hit it off and dated for a couple months. He recently turned 40 and has been sober since about the age of 25. He continues to attend AA meetings a couple/few times a week and spends a lot of time with other AA members going to dinner, etc. He was married for a couple years, between 34-36.

After a couple months of dating, he explained that he did not want to be in a serious relationship. I was not fine with that but we ended up in a cycle of meeting up, I would get frusterated because he wouldn't commit, etc. until he broke it off about a year later. A month later, he came back because he wanted a "normal" relationship. This only lasted a few weeks until he broke it off again - because he "just couldn't commit".

A couple months later, we communicated back and forth a bit for a couple months but did not meet up. One day recently, I called and he said he met someone a couple weeks back at a party. He had the nerve to say - "but you can still come over because she's out of town".

This was very hurtful. I cared about this person and now saw that he was willing to have me over after telling me he met someone he liked. I basically felt used for the last year + until he found someone he "liked".

I had read somewhere that some recovering alcoholics get a certain high, similar effect received from substances, by doing things to watch people react in a certain way. For example, trying to get someone to do something and then enjoying watching the person's reaction - even if intentions are not always good.

I guess I have multiple questions here:

1. Is acting out in a certain way to get reactions out of people, even if hurtful to the person, another form of addiction (i understand that some who have been in recovery for a long time may turn to other addictions) - this individual also took a lot of standup comedy classes/improv acting. I wonder if he actually thought I would go over to his place and sleep with him after he told me he met someone else. I definitely said no - but kept myself calm and collective somehow.

2. Is it difficult for those who have recovered to be in a committed relationship - I felt as if he was always looking for his next high (girl) but used me when I was available - possibly turned to some sort of relationship addiction. I understand people are always looking if they're not with someone they truly love, but to drag it on for so long . . . He also often said that he wasn't able to commit after his divorce. He divorced a couple years ago after a two year marriage.

Since he just ended our 'relationship" again a couple weeks ago because he "found someone" I obviously want to hear that he can't be in a committed relationship. I just felt I needed to turn somewhere to get a better understanding of his hurtful actions - getting my hopes up and down repeatedly. I shouldn't still have feelings for him but for some reason I do.

I was happy to find this forum. I read through the other posts and wish I found this awhile ago - very good and informative site.

[justanothrdrunk]

Originally Posted by SS234

1. Is acting out in a certain way to get reactions out of people, even if hurtful to the person, another form of addiction (i understand that some who have been in recovery for a long time may turn to other addictions) - this individual also took a lot of standup comedy classes/improv acting. I wonder if he actually thought I would go over to his place and sleep with him after he told me he met someone else. I definitely said no - but kept myself calm and collective somehow.

If it is another form of addiction, I've never heard of or seen this exhibited by anyone.

Originally Posted by SS234

2. Is it difficult for those who have recovered to be in a committed relationship - I felt as if he was always looking for his next high (girl) but used me when I was available - possibly turned to some sort of relationship addiction. I understand people are always looking if they're not with someone they truly love, but to drag it on for so long . . . He also often said that he wasn't able to commit after his divorce. He divorced a couple years ago after a two year marriage.

I think it's more a matter of some people (in reocvery or not) who have difficulties with committed relationships. From what you're describing, I'm not seeing the recovery aspect even playing a role in this. Not that I'm an expert...

Is it possible that he's just the type of guy that has difficulty with relationships?

[utopia]

hey ss234! well i think that addiction can be something deeper and that alcoholism is a branch of this. in any case i have found alanon a great help. having been affected by living with an alcoholic in my life. have u tried alanon? i also used to find myself in these situations and the painful truth ive had to face for me was this "He's just not that into you". thers a great book with this label....also the answer to my lifelong question of why do men do this to me? the answer was really, because i let them....i believe that if a guy is really into me, really wants to know the magnificence and beauty of me as i do him and his wonder then there will not be much that stands in the way. business meetings can wait. committment? hell lets just try it because you are that interesting to me....if not the guys not ready or has some sort of issue.....or is just dragging you along like some second rate snack in his backpack in case....i dont know about you but i no longer am anyones plan b or 'piece on the side'. recovery teaches me that i didnt know what i was even looking for and that perhaps these "jerks" were the universe showing me i was confused and i needed to be clear to the universe, god etc what i want, really. and i am a bit closer today to knowing that mentally engaged and communicative are up there but mostly respect of me and my time! work in progress. just my thoughts. peace.

[dgillz]

Jeez. Stop analyzing the situation and just leave the guy. Time to move on.

[kay1234]

Originally Posted by dgillz

Jeez. Stop analyzing the situation and just leave the guy. Time to move on.

I agree...SS234 you need to move on...you don't deserve to be in that kind of situation. There is so much more out there.