My family is in denial, not me!

[babylonsister]

I have been attending AA meetings and I have now been sober for 30 days. I first went to an AA meeting at the suggestion of my therapist, after I told her about my drinking habits. I have suspected for awhile that I had a drinking problem, but I just didn't want to say it out loud, because I wasn't ready to quit drinking. Well, lately I just grew tired of the guilt and problems associated with it and after my first few meetings, I could deny it no longer. I was an alcoholic and it was actually a relief to finally admit it! Well, I have spoken with my sister and mother about this and they are very surprised. I guess I have done a pretty good job of hiding the way I truly used to drink. I can tell my sister is trying to be supportive, but this has definately thrown her for a loop. My Mom, on the other hand, is adamant that I am not an alcoholic. That I just got the idea from someone else (like I'm not smart enough to decide for myself!) She said she is afraid I'm ruining my reputation by saying that I'm an alcoholic and that she is not going to tell anyone. She made me feel like a leper or someting! First of all, she has no clue about the disease of alcoholism, so I told her to do a little reading on it. She did this, and then came back and told me that if I were a true alcoholic, that I would be going through terrible withdrawals right now (which I know is not necessarily true) She just doesn't get it! I don't care whether she believes it or not, I know I have a problem and I'm trying to do something about it. But it just kills me that I feel I have to "convince" her of this, so she will understand. I'm sure if I went over the details of my drinking career, she might get it, but I definately don't wanna do that! How do I deal with this?

[dgillz]

I'm sure if I went over the details of my drinking career, she might get it, but I definately don't wanna do that! How do I deal with this?

Interesting. Maybe you ought to rethink talking about your drinking history. It does not have to include every detail. You don't have to watch every BB game Michael Jordan ever played to figure out this guy is special. So don't give your whole history, just enough to make them draw their own conclusions.

I had the same experience with family members being in denial and this is EXACTLY how I dealt with it. I had several family members together in the same room, and I asked to be given 20 minutes to tell them my "drunkalogue". I even wrote down the bullet points I wanted to cover.

I started getting peppered with questions about 5 minutes into my story. I refused to answer them unless it helped me tell my story (several of them were trying to get me off track). I even had to tell my brother to shut the hell up or leave the room, I don't give a damn which. I told several things about myself - job issues, financial issues, relationship issues - and tied them all to alcohol. Not that they were 100% alcohol related, but take away the alcohol and they were all manageable.

I wrapped up the story with this "So that is the reader's digest, condensed version of my drinking history. Thats why I believe I am an alcoholic, and thats why I am going to AA. I am going to do it with you or without you, but I would really like your support."

Now, this was NOT a 5th step, I never said anything that had anything to do with how I hurt anyone in the room, but I told enough about myself that no one denied I had a drinking problem (though some were still against AA). I found the whole experience very helpful in my own recovery.

Good luck and let us know how you are doing.

[babylonsister]

Thanks for your reply. When I tried to explain it to her, I said that it's not that I drank everyday, it's just that I can't control it when I do drink. I don't think she understands that. Unfortunately, she has never been supportive of me, I don't know why I expected her to be now! She told me that she doesn't want to hear anymore about it, so I guess she's gonna think whatever she wants. It still makes me feel bad though...thanks again for your advice!

[kmsj75]

I am in the same boat. I have been clean for 3 years next month, and my family still refuses to speak to me, because in their opinion, I am just plain crazy and not an addict. When I was 17 and got up the courage to tell my mother that I was anorexic (how could she not have known?!?) I was told the same thing- You are crazy!

I was told in rehab that when a family member is sick (that was me) others don't do well when their roles change. I no longer needed my family to be caregivers, enablers, etc. They didn't know what to do- I wasn't playing along as i always had.

Also, in my case, my parents have had their own struggles with addiction (pills, alcohol.) I think them facing reality about me would force them to look at themselves, which at this point, they could never do.

My mom is also a co-dependent. She takes my problems on as hers, and if I make mistakes, she assumes it's her fault.

Bottom line is that I didn't have the supportive family that a lot of recovering people have. I like to think that I got clean IN SPIGHT of my family. The point is, you can do it. You just have to find another support system ( for me it's NA.) Also, as far as giving a drunk-a-log, I would talk about that with your sponsor first. I had the same thoughts, and started to list all the drugs I was detoxing from. Bad idea. That just made them more certain that I was just plain crazy.

I hope something in my experience can help you- feel free to PM me.

Best Wishes,
K