Dating someone who is in sobriety

[winds8]

Hi

I just met this guy who is a recovering alcoholic he has been sober for three years. We have been on three amazing dates. I like him allot and not sure how to handle his situation. I know that he goes to meetings everyday which I think is great. I want to support him in any way I can. I am just scared I will mess it up. I guess I need advice on how to handle it all. He talks about it and is not afraid to tell me about is non sober days. I had an Uncle who was an alcoholic and my dad has had his moments when I was younger but only drinks every now in then like once or twice a year and then only 1 or 2 drinks. I do drink and love my wine but I can do without...I would never drink in front of him and haven't drank anything since I met him' kind of feel guilty about it. I guess I’m rambling but really would like this to work out he seems like an amazing guy. I haven't wanted to get into a relationship in over 4 years so I guess I’m just scared.

[best]

Welcome to SR Winds
The best way I know to support another would be to learn as much as I can about the things that interest them. His recovery being number one...Al Anon meetings would be a good place to learn for you.
As for drinking in front of him or not... Communicate. Talk it over with him. Why guess at what you think he will accept or not accept? Ask and see how he feels.
If he is working his program correcly, he would be more then willing to share his feelings in a calm direct manner. You both may find that the open conversation feels good for both of you as well. Open conversation can be a wonderful support tool also.

[Japic05]

Hi winds8

Welcome to SR -

I know that I benefit from working on my own program (al-anon) when I have any type of relationship with an alcoholic/addict (regardless if they are in recovery or not)

It helps to remind me of the 3 c's.
I didn't cause it
I can't control it
I can't cure it.

Just because I drink a glass of wine - I can't cause a recovering A to relapse, attending meetings, getting support from others here at SR and taking care of me - helps me to learn healthy boundaries and maintain healthy relationships.

Best wishes to you and your BF,

[Cynay]

Welcome and congrads on your new relationship. I find that most of the alcoholics in my life are engaging, wonderful people.

If have been raised by, married to and dated alcoholics all my life and if I had one piece of advise it would be to work your own program of recovery. If he is in a 12 step program, having one of your own is invalueable. Read everything you can about the disease and take the relationship VERY slow so as to have time to really get to know him. A relationship with an Alcoholic is like no other you have ever been in and I will tell you that my experience is it is not easy so make sure you give yourself the time and tooles you will need.

I'm glad to see your posting and look forward to getting to know you better.

[hbb]

Hi and welcome! I know how you feel, my exabf quit drinking 1/2 way through our relationship. I didn't know what to do either, felt weird as i occassionally drank. He said that i wasn't the one with the problem but i didn't do it alot.

You mentioned about not wanting to screw up while supporting him in his sobriety....it's not for you to screw up, it's upto him and his choices. He has to take care of himself and work his own program as do you. I went to Al Anon to get a better idea of where i should be as he went to AA. I'm in no way wanting this to come out negative but for me, I think it would have been a hard road to continue to date an alcoholic...that's just ME though....everyone is different.

You found a great place for a ton of great advice and read as much as you can. You sound like your doing great!

[justanothrdrunk]

Originally Posted by winds8

I do drink and love my wine but I can do without...I would never drink in front of him and haven't drank anything since I met him' kind of feel guilty about it.

As a recovering alcoholic, I appreciate when others are respectful. But sometimes it bothers me that my disease changes other's behavior. I want people to feel free to be themselves when I'm around, just like anyone else.

When I'm with others, and we're somewhere alcohol is being served, I don't expect them to abstain just because of me. In fact, I would rather they do whatever they want to do. If I was uncomfortable around others who are drinking, I wouldn't go places where alcohol was being served.

Seeing others drink does not cause me to want to have a drink myself.

If this guy was in a wheelchair, would you never want to walk in front of him?

[winds8]

Thanks for all the information. To justanotherdrunk, I understand what you are saying and I am afraid of doing that also. For the most part I think I am being myself because I don't always drink usually just with the girls on girls night out, but I know what temptation can do and I don't want to be the one tempting.

I am going to go to an al-anon meeting this weekend.