Our baby is dead, Should I get divorced?

[Lied2]

*Sorry, I might have posted this in the wrong forum earlier*
Hello, I'm new to this forum. I've done a lot of reading and it seems like there is a lot good insight here. I'm sorry but this is going to be a long read... I've got so much to say.

My wife started taking prescription meds for Fibromyalgia when she was 19. When we started dating (she was 22 ) I asked her to try and stop taking it and see if she could stop. She told me she did and that she felt way better about herself not taking it. I've known her since the 6th grade and completely trusted her. She was always a really nice person and seemed real genuine.
We got married and had 2 kids and she started taking it again with out me knowing. She had 4 seizures over a period of 3 years but she was lying about the conditions surrounding the seizures. The doctors were all scratching their heads and we visited several neurologists, ran countless tests but they couldn't find anything wrong. Last year she came clean and told me about the drugs and how they were causing seizures. I freaked out. I couldn't believe that she took this stuff knowing it causes seizures and then drove my kids around town... endangering their lives. What if it happened in the car?
We had a huge falling out and almost got divorced. After some time we reconciled and she promised up and down that it would never happen again and that if it did we would over. She never got any professional help she was going to quite by herself, her parents quit drinking on their own 25 years ago and have been sober ever since. She wanted to be like that.
Things started to settle down. She got pregnant with our 3rd child. It was bringing us closer together, everything seemed great. We had our baby on Feruary 25, 2008... our baby died 4 days later. The Doctors told us she had a genetic disorder called MCAD and a serious infection, Enterococcus. I was just coming to terms with that information when the S hit the fan.

Last week she had another seizure. She tried to lie in the emergency room about it but friend over heard her call her mom and ask her to take something out of her purse... I finally got it out of her and now everything is turned upside down. I thought she had been taking it since our baby died because she was depressed, but she was taking it through her whole pregnancy!!! She was getting prescriptions filled in my name and getting refills from doctors out of state.
Right away I put her in a detox facility and started to investigate if this had anything to do with the baby's death. Doctors still say the genetic disorder and the infection were a factor but that if the baby was dependant on the drug and was going through withdrawls that it definitely contributed to my daughters death. Of course I am destroyed. I can't find words to express the pain...
She finished detox yesterday and is in a 30 day program now. She seems totally willing and committed but she made the same promises last year... only difference is she's getting professional help.

I'm still waiting on reports from physicians but I still don't think I can get over this. I can't see myself enjoying anything with her in the future... all I can think about is that she might have killed our child. Should I just bite the bullet, end it all now, and know for a fact that my kids are safe? Or should I give her another chance, see if rehab has really effected her and take a risk that she might relapse and hurt the kids... In some ways I feel like the battered women in all the lifetime movies that stay in their marriage despite the destruction that their spouse is causing... I can't imagine leaving her but it looks like I might have to... what do you guys think?

[suki44883]

I'm so sorry for your loss Lied2. No one can make these decisions for you; however, I am thinking that since this is the first time she has had medical help with her addiction, you should give it a chance to work. That's just MHO, though.

[Rowan]

I'm sorry for the tragic loss of your child.

Have you considered getting help of your own? Nar-Anon may be helpful. You may also wish to check out our Friends and Families section - it's a very busy forum with active members who will be able to identify with the substance abuse factors in your relationship. Good luck.

[1963comet]

So, sorry to hear about your family.

You could ask the Dr. about her driving with her problem. I have heard that some will not let them drive with this condition. It would be sad if she just hurt herself let alone the kids or someone else.

It is really up to you if you want out. But it might really hurt the kids. If she can get help and stick with it, it might be better for the family.

[i4getsm]

I am so sorry for the loss of your child. Remember you are both going through some pretty rough emotions right now. I know you want proof one way or another to help make your decision. It might help to consider what you might do if her drug use was the cause and if it wasn't the cause. The truth is you may never know for certain if it did or did not "cause" your baby to die.

Only you can decide if you're really ready to end it. It is such a hard decision to make even without dealing with the loss of a child. For now, I would take steps to protect yourself and your children. Read up on the family and friends forum. They have really helped me.

I am truly sorry for your loss. (((HUGS)))

[mizserenity]

I got chills reading your post.

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious baby.

As for what you should do, I would recommend attending al-anon or nar-anon meetings ASAP. Al-anon has saved my life (in that it helped me recover my sanity). You don't have to decide today what you want to do with your relationship. Take it one day at a time, take steps to keep yourself and your children safe, of course, but you'll learn how to live one day at a time.

It's wonderful for her that she is finally getting help. But she is the only one who can work her program. The best thing you can do for yourself and your kids is to work your own program, too.

[Lily]

I am soooo sorry for your loss.

I am answering this on your other post.

sheila

[fusslaundry]

I don't find myself knowledgeable to offer an opinion, but my prayers are with you and your family.

[Japic05]

((Lied2))

Please accept my sympathy in the loss of your daughter. You must be experiencing tons of different emotions as your other children must be also.

This is a horrible disease - addiction - in my process of learning things in recovery (al-anon) I have learned that so many of us are affected by this disease - not only the addict but the spouse, children, friends, parents and on and on.

For me, I have had to seek help for myself. I use so many different tools in my recovery - this web site, al-anon meetings (there are no nar-anon meetings in my area), literature from both programs (al-anon & nar-anon), talking with other recovery members, sponsor, and contact with my HP.

This has helped me when I am overwhelmed by emotions to process these emotions and no that I don't have to always make a decision TODAY - that I can ask another person for my time to THINK about my answer - to truly seek out what is best for ME; what is best for my family as a whole.

I do not know what is best for you, Lied2, but I do believe that your Higher Power can guide you to a place of healing and serenity. It probably won't happened over night - but it can happen.

Don't give up before the miracles happen in YOU - you deserve them.

Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita

[katie44]

I am so sorry for the loss of your child (((hugs and prayers to you and your family)))

[reader]

I am very sorry for this loss. IMHO I would give it a year before making any life changing decisions. You both must go through the grieving process. I and many other women have had miscarriages without ever having taking medications. It is God's way of sparing a child from suffering from some terrible fate, ie. severe genetic birth defective I truly believe that. Your wife will have to live with that loss and choice to take those pills forever. Her recovery will be tested in time. You both need counseling to get through this.

[PHIZ007]

I am so sorry for your terrible loss and all the pain you are going through.

I don't feel I have enough experience really to give you advise on this but there are many many wonderful people on this forum who no doubt will.

I hope that you can find some direction through this terrible time and please allow yourself time to greive...be kind to yourself you have had a tough old time.

All the best PHIZ

[barb dwyer]

oh, wow.

This is so far over my head I would not begin to know what to tell you.

I can only offer prayers of peace and clarity for you, and for all those involved.

*prayers*

[Cynay]

Please also accept my deep regret at your loss… I can’t even imagine how you must feel with such a huge loss.
I don’t know that anyone can answer your questions about what to do regarding your marriage and family…. I know when I was making those hard choices I was extremely thankful for the help of a therapist and this last time working a good program. One thing that has been working for me is choosing not to make a decision right away. Today I try to deal with one emotion and major at a time.

I’m pretty sure that you are reeling from the loss of your daughter and now your wife in recovery… I imagine that the other members of the family as deeply effected as you are and there is no doubt in my mind that your wife is also in the depth or mourning. Maybe you could give yourself time and maybe some help to get through your biggest loss before you decide to tackle putting a foundation together again.

I have not experienced the depth of what you are going through but my prayers are with you and I hope you can find your peace and balance again.

[jelloheadfred]

In my addiction I was responsible for the death of my 4 month old son. I used during my entire pregnancy. I didnt' think it was hurting him, a lot of girls used during pregnancy and had completely healthy babies. I didn't know how to stop, and I couldn't stop although I wanted to. I was too afraid to ask for help. I figured i would quit the month before he was due, like others had before me. He was born at 30 weeks, very small and very sick, he nearly died I don't know how many times. After 7 weeks in NICU, fully recovered and healthy, I was allowed to take him home, I was still using but I beat the system. Four months later, my beautiful miracle baby died, because of me, I was high. I did not mean for anything to happen, I didn't think he was being hurt by my using, it was a horrible accident. The entire town turned against me, calling me a baby killer among other things. I was charged with manslaughter, which is 3rd degree murder, in the death of my child. i was convicted a year later. Only a handful of people stood by my side, those who really knew me, knew how much I loved him and that I would never intentionally hurt him. His father never blamed me, he didn't forgive me, he said, because there was nothing to forgive-I didn't do anythng on purpose. I still have problems forgiving myself. I know that God forgives me, he knows I am truly sorry, and he blessed with a beautiful little girl 2 years later and the precious gift of being clean and sober. When we are deep in our addiction our disease causes us to things we would not normally do, our thinking process is really not our own it belongs to our disease, we can rationalize anything and make it ok because that is what this disease does. This is a disease. If the circumstances were the same only cancer is substituted for addiction, if she secretly took a chemo med etc., what would you do? Believe me, I know it's not the same thing, but the disease concept is. I'm not trying to go all holy roller on you, but I also feel that we have no right to judge others, that is God's job, and who are we not to forgive others, especially since Jesus forgave us and died for us. If it were you, would you not want the forgiveness of your wife? Whether you forgive your wife or not, is only something you can decide, and you are the only one who has to be comfortable with it. No matter what your decision remember that your wife, and I, and countless others still have to answer to a much higher power than us, and we will be jugded accordingly.

[suki44883]

Prayers going out to you. It took a lot of courage to share that. (((HUGS)))