Girlfriend of Addict-- looking for advice

[lostsoul7]

Hi everyone, this is my first post here. I am trying to find some insight in my situation and thought maybe some unbiased opinions might help.

My boyfriend of 3 years is an addict. He had experimented with a few drugs during our relationship but i didn't think anything of it, I thought they were just phases since he didn't do anything habitually. It wasn't until i discovered that he had been shooting heroine for the past 4 months behind my back that i realized he was truly an addict and needed help. we in different cities so i didnt know what he was doing during the week. his family had an intervention and sent him to rehab. he went willingly and now he is 30 days sober and living in a sober living house and goes to meetings every day as out patient. I know he truly wants to be sober and is doing everything he can to stay that way, but I don't know if this is a situation i want to be in at 22 years old. even if he stays sober the rest of his life- he is still an addict and has to be doing his 12 step program the rest of his life. as a result, i have to do the same and attend alanon meetings and i feel like this is a huge burden he's putting on me. i dont know how to forgive him for the pain he's caused me. i know that if i stay with him its going to be long-term which means i'm sort of accepting this burden into my life. I dont want to break up with him because i love him so much but when i look at the logic of this situation i know that its probably the best thing for me. has anyone been in similar situations?

i feel like the people i met at an alanon meeting are there because of situations that they were forced into (a parent or spouse alcoholic/addict) and i feel that my situation is different because i am not married or his family, that i have the choice to walk away.

any input, advice, feedback would be really appreciated.

thanks.

[serenityqueen]

Welcome to SR!

I have never been in the situation you are in, but I'm a addict/alcoholic.

If you love this man, then you should be happy that he is doing things to improve himself and basically save his life. Shooting heroin is no joke as I'm sure you're aware. When someone goes to the extent of shooting dope, he's in pretty deep.

But, it's not like it's hopeless. Addiction is a disease. Not to sound as though I am being rude, it's not meant that way, but for example, if he had Cancer, would you consider walking away? Would you feel that you didn't need to deal with the chemo,radiation, possible relapse of that disease?

Three years is a long time to be invested in a relationship. I'm wondering how things were before you found out about his addiction. Where you considering ending things before everything came to light?

You need to take care of you, do what you need to do for yourself. I don't want you to stay with this man if you don't want to. But I honestly think that possibly your fear of the unknown, meaning not knowing a whole lot about the disease may be pulling you in the direction of ending things. Perhaps give it time. Us addicts/alcoholics need all the support we can get, especially in the early days.

God Bless You no matter what you decide to do. I hope you will stick around and share this journey with us. There are sooooo many people in the forums of Friends and Family who can and will guide you along the way if you decide to stick by him for now.

Thanks for sharing,
Judy

[peaceteach]

Hi Lostsoul7,

I'd like to suggest that you look at the family and friends of substance abusers forum also. There are many people on that forum as well as a lot of really good "stickies" at the top of the page (favorite all-time posts). Welcome!

[hello-kitty]

Youre only 22 years old. You have your whole life ahead of you. Don't settle with someone if your aren't ready. Whether he's an addict or not. There's no need to rush. Actually, especially if he's an addict. Maybe it's time to slow things down a little bit and focus on yourself and what you want in your own future.

[i4getsm]

Originally Posted by hello-kitty

Youre only 22 years old. You have your whole life ahead of you. Don't settle with someone if your aren't ready. Whether he's an addict or not. There's no need to rush. Actually, especially if he's an addict. Maybe it's time to slow things down a little bit and focus on yourself and what you want in your own future.

I completely agree! You don't need to be in any rush to make a lifelong decision right now. Trust me on this...wait to get married...wait to have kids. You have PLENTY of time before you make decisions which tie you to ANYONE.

Only YOU can decide what you want to deal with on a day to day basis. Since it sounds like you have doubts, the only thing you need to do right now is not make any decisions you can't undo. JMO.

[Freedom1990]

i feel like the people i met at an alanon meeting are there because of situations that they were forced into (a parent or spouse alcoholic/addict) and i feel that my situation is different because i am not married or his family, that i have the choice to walk away.

Just a word of caution. You already stated that you knew he had experimented with some drugs during the relationship, and that was acceptable to you.

I walked away from my psychotic, violent whiskey drinking, meth slamming husband in 1986, and would you believe I continued to seek out relationships with unhealthy men for another 14 years?!!!!!

My suggestion for you is to seek some kind of recovery for yourself and find out why you picked the fellow that you did.

We codependants tend to lower our bar of standards in comparison to loved ones who will accept nothing less than a sane and stable companion

[fusslaundry]

Your situation is incredibly similar to my own! It's nice to hear from someone closer to my age, because I'm typically a little younger and more inexperienced than most of the women of Sober Recovery.

My boyfriend is a heroin addict of 3 years, and went into recovery November of 2006. He has experienced a few relapses, but is doing very well in general - and as they say, relapse is a part of recovery.

When he first went into rehab, I was overwhelmed with the responsibilities of dating an addict - attending alanon meetings, reading up on treatment, recovery, and addiction, etc. I felt burdened at times, and sometimes felt that I was unprepared to cope with the difficulties of loving someone with a drug problem. I did walk away from our relationship at one point, but returned in a few months after he had proved that he could stay sober without my support, and also because I loved him very much. The longer he was sober and the more familiar I became with the process of loving an addict, the easier the process became. We communicate openly about his sobriety, and he tells me when he's having cravings or experiencing user dreams (I find that when he's having cravings, it helps to take his mind off it if we do something fun together, like watch a movie or cook dinner). In my experience, recovery becomes just a part of life, and we have a beautiful, extremely rewarding relationship. I want you to know that it is possible to have a great relationship with an addict.

Based on my experience, I can offer you a few pieces of advice, and I truly hope that it can help you in some way.

First, try to give it time. The burden of his recovery might significantly relieve once you are more familiar with what it's like to be dating someone in recovery. Like I said, it's become a routine for me, and I don't even feel inconvenienced by it. Which is not to say that loving an addict is as easy as loving an addict, which of course you know. Addiction certainly complicates things - I am just trying to say that it doesn't necessarily ruin a relationship.

Second, you might try seeing how he does without you. It's important that his recovery is independent of your help - while it is important that friends and family and girlfriends support the efforts of addicts, it is solely up to the addict to stay sober. Many womens' lives revolve around supporting their addict boyfriends and husbands - make sure he can stand on his own two legs without your help.

Third, listen to your heart and take care of yourself! If you feel that you need to spend time away from him, do so. Remember to look out for and love yourself. I'm sure you'll hear this over and over from the women of this forum!

I hope that you and I can stay in touch. Reading your post was like reading something I could have written myself. I hope my advice can help you in some small way.

Welcome to the forum!

Jasmine

[lostsoul7]

Originally Posted by fusslaundry

Your situation is incredibly similar to my own! It's nice to hear from someone closer to my age, because I'm typically a little younger and more inexperienced than most of the women of Sober Recovery......

Dear Jasmine,

Thank you SO much for that message. It really meant a lot to me to hear someone in my situation. I also feel that I don't find people my age (in my same situation) I can relate to at Alanon (well, i only went once..) I agree with the time apart that you mentioned, I've been contemplating talking to him about doing that but have been too scared to go through with it. We are very close and he is my best friend, so going without him for some time would be so hard for me. I do want to make sure that he can continue sobriety on his own so I may have to do that sometime soon, by the way he's acting I'm pretty sure he can, I've already distanced myself from him very much. My hardest part is finding out how to trust him again (after he was lying to me for the past 6 months) and how to forgive him. He says I need to go to alanon or a therapist to resolve my feelings of resentment towards him but I just don't know how to let it go. I feel like if i let it go and forgive him then that means I let him hurt me and he got away with it. Did you feel the same way?

I'd love to keep in touch with you if that's alright. It wont let me send a PM though until I have 5 posts.


Take Care,

Jessica

[lostsoul7]

Thank you to everyone that responded, It helps so much to hear everyone's different opinions. I still haven't made any drastic decisions but I'm just trying to get through everything day by day. I really identified with everything everyone posted and it really helps a lot to hear from you, so thanks

Jessica

[alohafriday]

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[NamRec]

Hello lostsoul7,

I'm about the same age as you and my boyfriend of over 2 years is an alcoholic. At first I knew he was drinking and was annoyed by it but didn't realize it was a problem until I found out he was stealing so he could drink. For the most part he's been unemployed but he managed to make it through school which was a struggle at times since he almost got kicked out for being absent too often.

We were living together at that time. I work a lot so I couldn't see what was always happening with him. Apparently he would leave in the morning to drink and come home early enough to sober up just enough so that he could lie to me and fool me into thinking he just 'smoked a lot of weed.'

We had many tearful conversations about his drinking, about how he needed to stop, about how he would go to AA to stop drinking so that we could still be together and be happy. He did go to AA, but only twice and those 2 times were due to 2 separate relapses.

When sober, he would be the kindest guy. He may not have taken me out to many movies or dinners, may not have showered me with gifts (due to being so broke...) but he always treated me as a woman should be treated. Even when drunk he never said a cruel word to me. When drunk he would be almost completely incoherent, he would get extremely depressed, cry, hate himself, and sometimes be self destructive.

Eventually I couldn't take it anymore so I had to make him move out. He ended up living with his brother for 2 months. He was doing really well, not drinking, being productive around the house, actively looking for work. He got a job but was then fired soon after (I think he may have been stoned on more than one occasion while working which I think is why he was fired because it was affecting his productivity) so he started drinking again. Shortly after the same thing happened, got a job, lost it, started drinking.

He is now living with his parents and is on a waiting list for councelling. I recently found out that he has just started stealing again. A chance encounter with a friend told me that he had seen him drunk again. When I had confronted him later on I asked angrily if there was anything he wanted to tell me and that he had better tell me because I know. He didn't say anything but he didn't deny it when I said what I knew.
It was then (only a few days ago) that I made the decision to break up with him. Not forever, but just for now. I have since then learned that I had been enabeling him by rescuing him whether it was financially or emotionally, and by staying in our relationship, and that all the ultimatums, threats of leaving him, and keeping him on a 'short leash' were doing no good to either of us. They weren't making him stop drinking, they weren't making me feel relaxed or happy.

He has been trying to get better, he really has and I can see it. I can't force him to go to AA anymore, that's his decision to make. I've told him that I love him and want things to work out between us but that for now, I can't continue this relationship. I told him that I can't hang out with him or talk with him much on the phone but that we can communicate by email. He told me he understood and that he hates how much he's disappointed me and how he's been doing so well and will get me back one day. This is my way of detaching myself from his problem that only he can fix, I can't fix it no matter how much I try. I'm going to continue living my life and let him know I still care and haven't lost hope in him. I love him to death and want everything to work out between us but I just have to wait and see how it all turns out and do some of my own soul searching while he does his.

I really hope everything works out for you and your boyfriend whether or not you two end up together. Remember that you can't fix his problem, you can only love him and let him know how much you care.

P.S. I've been reading the book "Codependent No More" by Molly Beattie and suggest you read it too! You will probably hear about that book on this forum every now and then.

[kj3880]

it's melodie beatty, sweetie, but you're right, that's a great book for codependent folks.
kj

[NamRec]

I keep thinking Molly.... thanks for the correction!

[lostsoul7]

Thanks everyone for your encouraging replies.
As of now I've decided that I could not handle the constant pain, stress and overall unhappiness that he has caused me and I needed to take a break from our relationship. So a few days ago I told him everything I ever wanted to say to him and he understood it all. He said he knew it had to happen and that he needs to fix himself and love himself before he can ever be capable of being a good boyfriend to me. So even though I go from hot to cold in a matter of minutes, I know this is the best thing for me, and for us. I feel relieved that I do not have to add more stress to myself by going to meetings/activities related to his problem and addiction. I feel free to be happy on my own and not have to burden myself with the negativity he's imposed on me. Even though it hurts like hell, I know this is what I needed to do.

[NamRec]

I'm glad you've decided what you need to do and did it. I really hope things work out for you and for him and maybe one day the two of you together. I know what you're going through and I hope things will work out for the best for us. Either way, we need to live our own lives, not someone else's.

[lostsoul7]

I started reading "Codependent no more" and at first was excited, and I opened up to the first chapter, and saw that it was called "Jessica's story" and thought it was some sort of sign because that's my name. It started off good and I could identify with a lot of things, but now that they've been talking about codependency and trying to define it and everything, it's making me feel that people presumably started labeling me as a co-dependent because i was affected by my boyfriend's addiction, but after learning more about it... i don't like that term. this book is making it seem like I purposely seek out people with problems because i have a problem and i want to control everyone. i don't agree with that because 1- what i am feeling is normal.. who wouldn't be upset to find out they'd been lied to and their boyfriend was secretly doing drugs and hiding their inner problems? this book is making me feel like im doomed to forever pick bad men and have a life of sufferage or something just because my boyfriend turned out to be an addict. he seemed like a normal, happy, non-drug addict person when i fell in love with him and now that i realized he's not who i thought he was, then i let him go.

what does everyone think?