Having a weird problem...

[Cluelessluke]

Alright, I'm not sure where to begin so I'm probably just going to jump right into things. I'm a 20 year old sophomore in college and I hate it when my girlfriend drinks alcohol. That might sound a little normal but let me explain. When she informs me that she is going to go out any given night, I feel like she just told me she cheated on me. It literally hurts me. My cheeks start getting warm and my heart drops. It is probably the most uncomfortable feeling I've ever experienced. I am not able to concentrate or sit still from the time she says she is going to go out later, till the time I get to speak with her after she gets home. I might be able to understand these emotions a little bit if I didn't trust her or thought something bad was going to happen. Neither of those are the case however. The thought of her even having a sip of wine with her parents makes me want to vomit out of anxiousness also. She is in some psychology class and I helped her study for one of her exams and one thing she needed to know was the definition of a panic attack. When I read what it was, the first thing that came to my mind was me when I know she is going to drink.

I can fight this horribly strong feeling with logic, meaning I can understand that nothing bad is going to happen and I have no logical reason to worry, but that only lasts for about 5 minutes. I tried to describe to her once what it felt like and the best I could do was that it's like having stage fright (the amount RIGHT before you are about to preform for something) but having it last all night, until I can talk to her.

All my previous relationships involved a girl that didn't drink (for this exact reason) but I liked this girl enough to try and deal with it. I was hoping that the more she did it, the more I would realize that it's not a big deal and that I would get over this. After six months this has yet to occur. I can't describe why I have this feelings, I can only describe how they feel. They are not logical so logic doesn't seem to be able to fight them. One solution to this problem would be to end things with this girl so I could actually concentrate on school work on a Tuesday night so I won't fail my exam the next morning. But that would only be a temporary solution, until I find the next girl I like that happens to drink alcohol.

Also, nothing in my past or childhood has brought about bad memories with alcohol. In fact, I never was really exposed to it as a child. My father has never taken a sip of anything and my mother only has a beer if we happen to go out to dinner on a Friday night.

I am just wondering if any of this sounds familiar, like maybe I have some mental chemical imbalance or maybe I'm just nuts. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for your time.

[freya]

Wow...that does sound weird....and very hard for you...I've attended and/or taught at several different colleges and/or universities and every single one of them had confidential counseling services available for their students. I think it might be good for you to go to your student center and see what they've got. I'm not trying to put off your question here, but it seems to me like it would really be easiest and most helpful for you to get to the bottom of this with a professional who would know exactly what questions to ask to help figure out where this could be coming from and help you put together a plan to address it.

There is no reason for you to keep putting yourself through this and for your relationship to be under this added pressure. Getting good help as quickly as possible is the smartest thing you can do.

lots of luck -- freya

[1963comet]

Welcome to SR and want to say Hi

It does sound like you might be having anixety about her drinking. Have you had troubles in the past because of her drinking? Or is this the only time you feel that way?

[i4getsm]

Just curious, but why do you describe your father as someone who has "never taken a sip of anything". Why not? That sounds a little unusual since your mom drinks a beer on occasion. I too would suggest a counselor at your school to figure this out. My AH has panic attacks like you describe. He takes Lexapro and it has helped tremendously! Now if only he would just stop drinking.

[Cluelessluke]

1963comet - This is not the only time I've felt this way. Every time she has gone out I've felt like this.

i4getsm - I described my father that way because ever since my older brother, who is now 25 was born, my dad swore off alcohol because he almost died twice from driving drunk. However, I do not think this has anything to do with why I feel this way because I didn't even know about this until about a month ago and these feelings have been around much longer than that.

[freya]

Originally Posted by Cluelessluke

I described my father that way because ever since my older brother, who is now 25 was born, my dad swore off alcohol because he almost died twice from driving drunk. However, I do not think this has anything to do with why I feel this way because I didn't even know about this until about a month ago and these feelings have been around much longer than that.

Cluelessluke: Alcoholism is a family disease. Just because an alcoholic stops drinking does not mean that the disease goes away. There are many, many behaviors and issues that come along in "the family disease" package and they can effect a family for generations, even if/after there is no active drinking. There is no way I can adequately explain all of this here, but please, please trust that I know this because I've have seen it in my own family and because, since being in Al Anon (support for families and friends of alcoholics) I have known and worked closely with many, many people whose lives have been effected by someone else's drinking -- and please, please go to your school's counseling office and tell them exactly and thoroughly what is going with you -- you do not have to suffer like this.

freya

[Cluelessluke]

Freya, so you are suggesting that even though my father has not had a drink during my lifetime that some of his habits might have carried over from when he was drinking and those habits he has might have subconsciously effected how I feel towards alcohol? I'm trying to understand more because this is a new idea to me.

[Japic05]

((Cluelessluke))

The more I learn about this disease the more I know that I have been affected by others' drinking long long before I met my alcoholic/addict husband.

There are many of us that were raised by parents who were affected by their parent's drinking. Or by their spouses drinking before we came along - sometimes we find there were hidden messages given to us that we had no idea.

No one ever told me that need to take care of everyone else in my life - but somehow I got that message. Everybody else's needs came before mine. Did I hear those words, NO. but somehow I heard that message.

In doing inner child work and thru working the steps in Al-Anon - I learn so much about my life as a young person that is still affecting me today. Some of it has to do with others' drinking, some of it has to do with untreated al-anonism, and some of it has to do with my own insecurities.

There are many resources to help you thru the process of healing and learning what is best for you - I encourage you to find what way works best for you.

Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita

[freya]

Originally Posted by Cluelessluke

Freya, so you are suggesting that even though my father has not had a drink during my lifetime that some of his habits might have carried over from when he was drinking and those habits he has might have subconsciously effected how I feel towards alcohol? I'm trying to understand more because this is a new idea to me.

Sorry, CL, this is my first chance to get on this site today.....but basically, yes, that's what I'm saying and what I've seen in my own family (my father's side) and with lots of other folks I know in Al Anon.....In fact, there was barely any drinking in my home growing up and my current partner had been dry ("dry" is very different than "sober" because a "dry" person can continue all of the other behaviors associated with alcoholism but just isn't drinking) for over 15 years when I met her.....but, man, knowing what I know now, it's so very obvious to me that alcoholism (the family disease) was rampant even though there was no drinking going on.

It's funny (and not in the "HA HA" way!) because one of the things that used to get me every time before I learned about this disease was, when my partner would do something totally crazy and hurtful or mean or self-destructive or off the wall....and I would be talking about what was going on with my counselor or with a friend who might have known a little more about it than I did, and that person would say: "Well, maybe you should try some Al Anon meetings," or "Maybe it would be helpful of you studied up on alcoholism a bit."....And I would go back to my partner and, stupidly, say something like "SO-and-So says I should go to AL Anon, " or "Do you think the fact that you did X might be related to your alcoholism?"...and she would say "I'm not drinking, so how can this have anything to do with alcoholism?" (Although of course she knew better because she had been in AA for several years before she decided that she didn't need that any more....but, of course, one can't expect a drunk -- dry or active -- to tell the truth about something like that.) And because I didn't know any better, it made perfect sense to me: no drinking = no alcoholism....

....Well, a lot of time and trouble later, I surely learned different...CluelessLuke, save yourself the time and the trouble...learn what you can now!

freya