Living with the Untreated Alalnon

[bo0omer]

I'm three years sober. My wife, 15 years untreated alanon. I'm going nuts. She does not think that there is anything wrong with her... and she'll tell you. She is driving me and my 4 kids away. She is so bitter, so resentful. She's an adult child of an alcoholic too.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how much more I can take. It's harmful to the kids. She put up with my crap for 15 years, so I feel bad for not being more tolerant, but, she is really ill and needs some help.

Any suggestions...?

[Bel303]

Hi Boomer,

I'm not sure what you mean exactly? Is her problem that she is negative and bitter?

[NoelleR]

Hey boomer ----

I just saw this post; don't know how I missed it the first time.....I just have one question......have YOU gone to any alanon.....?.....you know, a support group for living with a person who is living with an alcoholic/addict (recovered/recovering, or whatever).....lol

I'm also a bit confused with your statement regarding her being bitter and resentful.....about how she had to put up with all those years with you while you were in your disease.....? ...ah well, no matter.....

I really think some alanon is warranted.....and if not her,,,,,,then YOU..... (o:


NoelleR

[peaceteach]

I would recommend buying her the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Or just buying it and leaving it lying around on the chance she will pick it up and see herself in it. I know I did and it was life-changing for a codie like me

[Pilgrim]

I'm sorry to hear this and I hope your wife gets better soon - for her sake and yours and your children.

All I can say is that for me, now I am sober, and since I have started to get some faith, I find being around sick family very difficult. In fact, I can't do it at all - it makes me feel sick and anxious like I might get sick again myself.

I love my alcoholic parents and I love my ex alcoholic partner. I pray for them and I wish them health happiness freedom prosperity and all good things in life. I just can't live with them because they are sick. I can't fix them.

[Japic05]

((Bo0omer))

Congratulations on your 3 yrs sobriety - that is awesome for you.

I can understand how much you would love to help your wife - probably just as much as she wanted to help you when you were in the active stages of your disease - but she couldn't really help you - just as much as you can't really help her.
Each of us must find our own path and most of the time it is without the help of our loved ones closest to us.

Although I am a recovery Al-Anon for 4 1/2 yrs now - I am still affected very much by my alcoholics/addicts and UN-treated al-anons. One is just as hurtful as the other for me.

I work on treating each of them with the HEALTHY, loving compassion that my HP gives me, while still treating myself with dignity and the self-respect I deserve.

It is hard and not always an easy path - but I believe it is what is best for all. You can offer polite suggestions, and offerings - just as "we" did to our loved ones when they were "drinking/using" - but we always knew that those suggestions may not be taken or even heard.

Then we had to Let Go and Let God - then seeking only knowledge of God's will for our lives and the power to carry that out.

My thoughts & prayers are with you, my friend - I know this is not an easy place to be.

Rita

[Shivaya]

Originally Posted by bo0omer

I'm three years sober. My wife, 15 years untreated alanon. I'm going nuts. She does not think that there is anything wrong with her... and she'll tell you. She is driving me and my 4 kids away. She is so bitter, so resentful. She's an adult child of an alcoholic too.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how much more I can take. It's harmful to the kids. She put up with my crap for 15 years, so I feel bad for not being more tolerant, but, she is really ill and needs some help.

Any suggestions...?

Congratulations on your 3 years!

I've been married for 14 years to an alcoholic. He continues to drink. I attend alanon, see a therapist, and visit this site.

It is very difficult to overcome the bitterness, resentment, and anger that the spouse of an alcoholic feels.

In my case, I enabled my ah for just about all of our 14 year marriage, except for the last 5 months.

Of course the difference is my ah is not in recovery....but I do know that if he could sincerely apologize for his past behaviors (he tries to "moderate" his drinking now), it certainly would help me along in my recovery.

He has said in a loud, angry voice "I can't change what I did in the past", but never an "I'm so sorry for the pain I've caused you".

All that being said, how about telling your wife how much you love her and how you would like to support her in her "recovery" from this disease. Also, how about sharing this web site with her? Maybe she'll be able to relate to some of the stories, and it might help her realize she's not alone in how she is feeling...

Also, a question for you: Do you work a program to remain sober?

Shivaya

[best]

Originally Posted by bo0omer

she is really ill and needs some help.

Any suggestions...?

How are you helping her yourself?
What does your amends list look like?

Guys tend to change direction and get over things in a day or two.
Women need longer. How much longer? Well how much hurt is she feeling from the past? For a guy...one day. For a woman... one year *or any amount of time* As you keep doing the right things, time will correct things.
Give her the time she needs, not the time you think she should be taking.

[cem001]

I agree with best, women do seem to get over things a lot slower than men. I am a GRATEFUL Al-Anon member. My life is much more enriched since working the program. However, I still find myself still very bitter, angry, resentful, and just flat out pissed at my recovering AH of 3 years 7 months. Remember you can't change things overnight that's taken years to do.

I am in the process of writing my Dear God letters. Talk to your sponsor, maybe this would help you.

[utopia]

hey, i hear u booomer and much love and peace to ya. alanon might help because for me. i believe that alcoholism is a family illness and all are affected. drinking is just one of the symptoms. the thinking spreads....for me, hope lies in using the tools of the program, meetings, slogans, readings, sponsorship and service...and actions. ive learnt for me that i have had to question relationships that arent honest open and willing. theyve had to be this for me to find my higher power and myself again. sometimes i have had to let go of relationships in my life, grieve yes, but in the end it may be for my betterment and all concerned....i dont agree that men get over things quicker than women. perhaps it is different but i think it is sexist to judge/compare. i think it is a unique and individual process. it is possible to think this way because i believe that socially men are not encouraged to express of feel for fear of showing they are weak which i see as the self will or ego whereas for me my higher power or "God" wants me to feel...then again, i can see that many women are sketched in the role of "giver" and to not have needs. one friend of mine believes that she grieves a loss in stages, intense and in one session, whereas for me it comes in waves. i seem fine , and then three months later im a mess and think "oh my god!! ive lost them!!! waaa!" mostly i think its good to be gentle and accept the feelings and get them validated in recovery...for me it all boils down to the madness of the contemporary culture....this is why for me its a blessing to have a program and to have a fellowship, a community of people who i can trust and be honest, open and willing to learn new ways of dealing with the same things....and also to learn how to discern who is trustworthy in my life.....i can only imagine how much harder it can be with kids but this is what i belive. i believe kids dont learn from what their parents say so much as to what their parents do. respecting your self will teach your children boundaries and self respect. satying in a toxic situation can teach children to put the needs of others abover their own (a resentment breeder for me!) alanon has some great stuff on detachment too which might help. peace and love. just my thoughts.