Trying to make it work

[dragonflydi]

First let me thank every one for all the posts that I have read. It has helped me greatly in reading them. After reading them it also makes my situation seem not as bad as some of others here on the site. My ABF has almost 3 1/2 years clean and we have been together for 9 months now but we have are having troubles because he says that I do not understand what it takes for him to stay clean. He decided to stop using drugs and went to NA meetings and took up a service position with NA and has hid in NA. I am his first relationship since he stopped using drugs and he says he does not know sometimes what he is feeling or how to identify the feeling because he was so used to drugging his feelings away and that I need to give him time.I love him dearly and I see the dear, sweet man he can be. I want to be supportive and I fully support him going to meetings 3 times a week. I am trying to understand more about his addiction and I have been to meetings with him and I have just started to attend Nar-non meetings for myself. I have been to one meeting so far and will be attending more. I read as much as I can about addiction. I do know also that he does tend to show the selfish, self-centeredness that is addictive behavior and I try to overlook it but sometimes, I will gently tell him, that there are two of us in the relationship. He also has a very low self-esteem, I am finding. He is a very sweet man and many people have taken advantage of him. I have been in a relationship with and addict before. I was married to one who would not get help and I decided that when the police kept showing up it was time to go. He would not change. I just have never experienced recovery. Any thoughts, suggestions, comments are greatly appreciated. I appologize for this being so long and if I rambled. I am hoping things will work between us

[Bel303]

Hi Dragonfly,

Not sure if this helps, but my advice is to strive to behave like his partner, and not be so supportive that you wind up being like his `parent'. Addicts (and former addicts) often apply subtle pressure to their partner to assume too much responsibility and a parent-like role, which is by default emotionally one-way. I think its more subconscious that intentional though.

I think your interest in your partner's former addiction is nice, but managing it is his responsibility as an adult. I don't think you should get overly involved. Instead, I think you should articulate your emotional needs to him as a partner.