Transcendental love or Transference ?

[veralynn1919]

So I am stuck in a pretty crappy bind right now. I was just recently introduced to AL-ANON by a coworker of mine who is a recovering alcoholic. I found this sight while trying to look up additional information. I have been feeling pretty good about the whole thing and we are a really good support system for each other. He has helped me in ways I never could have imagined. I always knew that my father’s drinking affected me but I never realized the severity of it. The only problem is that I a starting to form feelings toward my coworker friend. We have been spending a lot of time together on top of the fact that we work together almost everyday. I truly enjoy spending time with him, we have so many commonalities and he is a really good friend. I have always had trouble when it comes to liking someone in the romantic sense (surprise surprise coming form the daughter of an alcoholic!) The few and far between romantic interests I have had have always been friends and I have always felt guilty for my feelings. I typically end up resenting myself and finding a reason to hate the other person just so that I don’t have to deal with feeling that way about someone (my self awareness is nauseating). I destroy it before it even has the chance to become anything because I am scared. I hate this about myself but I haven’t quite figured out how to change it. Still, I am trying. Part of me fears that my interest toward him is due to a sense of transference (he is where my I wish my father could be, and it is awe inspiring that he has done it at such a young age). I worry that I may only like him because he has become such a vial player during a big growth spurt in my life but everything about him makes me smile. I am so confused. There are so many reasons that I shouldn’t peruse this. We are both in some form of recovery. We work together and our job is excessively important to both of us. He is an alcoholic and I am a product of an alcoholic. And, I may just be making this all up in my head! (I do that some times) But, I feel like saying this is just making up excuses like I have done before. I always have good excuses. What sucks is that the only person that I want to talk to about stuff at this point is him and I can’t talk about this with him. Which makes me feel like I’m not being totally honest whereas I am with everything else (painstakingly so). But then I think I should because it is driving me insane (and I don’t think I CAN AFFORD TO GET ANY WORSE). I don’t want to hate him just like everybody else, I’m tired of being angry. I want to get past this inability I have to form a healthy relationship with a person I find attractive. I hate being insecure and I am swimming in diffidence right about now. Still, part of me fears the possibility of my feeling being reciprocated more that I fear rejection at times. I am tired of letting my father and his bullshit effect me. But I don’t want to do it at the expense of loosing a friend that is helping me be who I know I have the potential to be. He is such a wonderful person and more than anything he has given hope. I don’t know if I just need to get this out there or what but I would appreciate any form of feedback because I don’t know how much longer I can stay afloat with this.

[justanothrdrunk]

The 12 steps has helped me not only deal with my alcoholism problem, but it has also helped me with life and everything that life throws at me.

I'm not sure I totally understand the problem here though. Here's what I understand so far:
1. You just started going to Al-Anon. Do you plan to continue?
2. Your father is/was an alcoholic. Al-Anon and your friend are helping you with this.
3. You have a good friend who is a recovering alcoholic.
4. You may have romantic feelings for this friend.

The above all sounds like mostly good news to me.

As far as advice, I don't really have any. I've never been in your situation before. All that comes to mind is, if it is meant to happen, it will happen. You can't make it happen. You are not in control.

[veralynn1919]

I'm not sure I totally understand the problem here though.

The above all sounds like mostly good news to me.

You can't make it happen. You are not in control.[/quote]

Thank you for your reply and I am really trying to get a grip on my power and control issue. I know in my head that I’m not in control but the thought still makes my heart quiver. I am going to try to just enjoy myself and stop judging myself so critically (crappy word, I know,-“do or do not there is no try”, ya Yoda!). I am so sick of hating myself. I am tired of being sad and feeling guilty. I think I am going to relax (ahhh dirty word) and just enjoy the moment. I rally enjoy spending time with this person and I should be grateful for that (should is a bad word too, I ‘should’ all over myself all the time!). He told me that some guy in his program told him when he first started that “if you have a foot in yesterday and a foot in tomorrow than you **** all over today”. I want to remember that. It’s always nice to have people help put things in perspective and I thank you for you for that.