Lets hear you thoughts

[loner1968]

I want your thoughts and/or opinions on this. If two alcoholics are in a relationship with each other what is it like? Any experience? Also add a young child and think of that dynamic.

[CarolD]

I just read your thread in Friends & family.

So... I see you are no longer in
the relationship with the alcoholic/addict.

I do hope you find peace over his actions
and that's going to take time.
Are you attending Al anon for yourself?

I am sad for your pain...
Hug and Prayers
(+) (+) (+)

[daydream]

My experience in 19 years of knowing recovering people in relationships is that when 2 people get solid footing in recovery and remain 100% commited to their recovery, relationships can work out great. I know many, many couples with double digits in recovery. However, these relationships between recovering people are VERY high risk for the simple fact that most people relapse at some point. Many years ago I got into a relationship with a man who had 5 years in recovery. I had 18 months. We married too quickly, before I knew his defects (I had none, of course, lol). Anyway, we both went to meetings and stayed clean for awhile. He had a sponsor, i didn't. Neither of us really lived the AA program. After a few years, I quit meetings, then he quit meetings....we fought constantly... when I had 6 yrs clean and he had about 9, I discovered that he was drinking....within 3 months I joined him. At that point we had an 18 month old son who had to hear us screaming at one another... our relationship turned violent. When i discovered his 18 month affair (with another girl in "recovery", I kicked him out. His drinking got worse, mine got worse... that's how I see it go down with sooooooo many other couples. I didn't get into another relationship for 9 years. At that point I had 3 1/2 yrs clean, the guy had 5. I thought he hung the recovery moon. I thought he was the most spiritual guy I had ever known. I truly fell in love for the first time in my life. Down the road I found out he had been spreading lies about me and that he was sleeping with 2 other women under my nose. When I found out and confronted him, he tried to deny we ever had a relationship at all. He cornered my friends and sponsees telling them I made it all up. A lot of male friends stopped speaking to me. All my sponsees left within a few months of that. I was absolutely devastated. It took a very LONG time to prove to those people via witnesses and stuff I kept, that I was telling the truth and he was lying. This time I had solid recovery and was commited to staying clean. I did most everything right, talking about it, following sponsor's directions, going to meetings, working steps, praying, etc.....and STILL was devastated for a year or more. It really messed up my head and I've remained fearful of getting close to anyone since that time. I could have easily gotten high over it. The only thing that saved me was being solid in recovery and using the tools I had been taught. The guy who did all this stuff is still clean so far as I know, but his sponsees left him once they found out how he had lied to them about me and lied to them about other things. He's quit going to meetings around here. He's never made amends. He must have quite a heavy conscience and I have no doubt he will continue to suffer in some way for his actions and will likely relapse at some point if he doesn't clean up his mess. See, things can get real sticky in relationships and we can become very vulnerable to this disease unless we are totally reliant on a higher power (mine is Narcotics Anonymous) to hold us together. This is my view only and not neccessarily the view of any recovery program.

[Bel303]

Most people would say that it would be very hard on the baby. I think parents who are serious about raising a child non-abusively should give up drinking.

[Jody Hepler]

From my sponsor:

Two sickies don't make a wellie.

The horns on his head fit the holes in mine.

Getting in a relationship is like pouring Miracle Grow on character defects.

Good luck - but didn't work for me and I'm sober 22 years. Good friends, yes - married, no.

Jody

[bob_sapp]

Some people make it work, most don't. When it doesn't work, bad things happen. Use your imagination.

[loner1968]

thanks for the repies. It made me realize that my thoughts of the XAB and his AGF are probably all wrong. He has been gone for three years and with her the whole time. I always think they are so happy and I get into the depression and feeling like i was such a piece of crap that an alcoholic didnt even want to be with me.
I had to hear about how I screwed him up and how great she is and how she makes him feel like a man (mainly because she will lie down for anyone and I for one was turned off by gross beer breath so that makes me frigid) etc...I also was told by him that he liked being with her because I would not drink with him!
She has a young daughter and I know he can get very abusive when he is drunk..In fact, his sister told me that once he tried to hit her (his sister) and instead grabbed the child's face. His girlfriend was in the car when it happened and took him back that same night!!! The logic? "it was meant for his sister not the little girl" This man put his hands on her child and she didnt even care because they are so in love! I worried so much about that little girl. I was up all night for a long time thinking about what she is seeing and hearing. I confronted them both with that and they both said "she is very sheltered and does not hear or see anything" I told them to stop fooling themselves and asked him "you dont remember your parents screaming at each other because I remember mine, all the fights etc" He said "your right...I have been fooloing myself" but he went right back there and she accepted him, once again, into her home. I feel that this woman has no brain and is putting her child in danger. What am I to do? Mind my own business I guess. I know what that kid is going through and I have no respect for either of them or the people who turn a blind eye. Calling child protective services is not an option. They never do anything and I would be the first one to get blamed. I don't worry about it as much anymore because I had to learn how to burry it! Anyway. I wanted to say thanks and by the way...I have ALWAYS wanted a pug!!! They are so CUTE!