Now out of a relationship with a recovering alcoholic?

[glasshouse]

I have just recently been broke up with, rather suddently by my boyfriend who was a recovering alcoholic. We met 7 months ago and within our third date he both admitted he was a recovering alcoholic, as well as, the fact that he could not be in a serious relationship, however, did not really explain why (i assumed it had to do with recovery). When we met he was 10 months out of rehab, however, suffered a relapse 7 months prior. We continued to date and he eventually didnt seem to care about the idea of seriously dating. Around 3 months in he suffered a relapse for approximately 1 day and shortly thereafter asked me to be his girlfriend. Around one week later he freaked out about this and told me that we could not be together if he was unable to say i love you to me, which he wasnt at that point. He apprarently had been in love in other past relationships fairly quickly. I disregarded this and figured it had more to do with being freaked out about relationships, than anything else. Months past and approximately 6 weeks ago, he suffered a relapse for three days. When he came clean to me about this, I asked him to ensure me that he was serious about myself and the relationship, or else i didnt think i couldnt be there through incidents like this. He agreed and we seemed to grow even more close in the weeks thereafter. However, around one week ago, i told him that i loved him and the day after he broke up with me, explaining to me that there was a spark missing in the relationship, and that he could never give me long term happiness. This was all very sudden, and i am trying to make sense how much or how little has to do with being a recovering alcohic (who is clearly not recovered)? I am sure a bit, however, I just wanted to know if anyone had any advice or experience with such a situation, as I am trying to gain some clarity.

[CarolD]

Welcome to SR!

Early recovery is difficult and confusing.
I'm an alcoholic in AA so I speak from my experience
as well as observations.

I ask my new sponsees to not begin a new love
until they have finished their 12 Step work.

I think that is where your guy is heading
and I certainly hope so.

I strongly suggest you chill for a year or so
allowing him time to find solid recovery.

Probably not what you wanted to hear
but it's what I think will work better for both of you.

[nandm]

Welcome to SR!

As a recovering alcoholic my views on the subject echo Carol's.

I hope you are able to find support, experience, strength, and hope here at SR as I and many others have done.

[LetNgo]

Hey Glass,
My situation sounds so very similar to yours, so I truly feel your confusion and need for some clarity. I met someone about a year ago and we were just acquaintenances who began talking a little more each time we saw one another. About a year later, he asked me out for dinner. We seemed to really hit it off and continued to get together about 2-3 times per week. After about a month, he told me he is an alcoholic and just started AA. We continued to see one another, but we did not get phyically involved more than holding hands and a couple of kisses. All of a sudden he told me that he has to focus on his recovery and not have any distractions. He also told me that my friendship means more to him than I realize, however, we have not really talked since that night almost 2 months ago. I really want to support his recovery and have decided I have to let go and let him work the program and if he decides at some point he wants to go out again, when he is ready and feels healthier, I will see where I am if and when that happens. I miss him and his company so very much. I recently saw him and we talked about getting together one night, however, I have not heard from him since then. He also told me that he is easily distracted and has to stay focus. I feel in my heart he does care about me and we both had started developing feelings for one another. I do believe that if there is ever a chance for something in the future, I have to let him do what is best for him. I do contact him every few weeks to say hi and I am thinking of him and continue to pray for him. It does suck, but at the same time, I realize that this man has been more open and honest with me than some others I have cared for who are not alcoholics. I hope this helps.

LetNgo....

[glasshouse]

Thank you all for your support and advice! It really helped me. We have spoke for the last couple weeks and I have realized that he is not really in a place for a relationship and needs to focus on himself for a while longer before he would even be in a position to love me. So I feel much better now about moving on. Thanks again.

[SS234]

I read your initial post and completely identified with it. I met a guy 1.5 years ago who is 15 years sober, recently turned 40. As in your case, a bit into it, about a couple months, he said he couldn't be in a serious relationship. He tried to have a casual relationship with me for a bit, then I decided not to contiue it. He came back a few weeks later to have a "normal" relationship but couldn't do it for more than a few weeks.

I had the same questions - how much does this back and forth, non-committing, have to do with recovery vs. any other guy? With this individual, I felt he easily got bored and always looking for the next best thing. I shouldn't still think about him, but of course do . . . Liked him as a person overall.