She's sober but what's with the -ism?

[refreshing]

I have been recently schooled by wiser people that although my girl "friend" is sober and doing well in her recovery, it's the -ism that stays around and makes simple things (ha) like relationships difficult. I am finding things like, but not limited to, attention deficit, control, fear, fear of commitment, control,control,selfishness, domination, and oh yeah, control, are all very evident with her.

Some would she's just not into you, fine, but she still stays around? She likes me not knowing if she-or I- are coming or going. I guess that's just more control.

I met this wonderful woman. She is a recovering alcoholic. Fine. But now I wonder why she sometime says, "It's better if people in the program are together."

She might be right.

Anyone else dealing with the -ism after sobriety?

Thanks

[Freedom1990]

Been there, done that, got that t-shirt, thanks very much. I'd care not to repeat that experience.

From what you've described, that's more of a dry drunk than a sober one. An alcoholic truly working a program of recovery learns how to work on the 'ism' and change the thinking/attitudes.

My question is, why are you still in the relationship? You must be getting something out of it

[Sweetiepie1]

Originally Posted by refreshing

I am finding things like, but not limited to, attention deficit, control, fear, fear of commitment, control,control,selfishness, domination, and oh yeah, control, are all very evident with her.

Some would she's just not into you, fine, but she still stays around? She likes me not knowing if she-or I- are coming or going. I guess that's just more control.

I met this wonderful woman.

Where is the "wonderfull"?

[justanothrdrunk]

Is she early in recovery? Less than a year sober? When you say, "doing well in her recovery," what do you mean? Meetings? Sponsor? 12 steps?

[barb dwyer]

We have a saying in the rooms -

"The odds are good ... the goods are odd."

Recovery ... isn't something that's gonna be 'up and finished' one day.
It's a JOURNEY of self discovery, and healing ... it may never end.
As she discovers/uncovers more and more about the self -
that's going to affect everything about this person.

I don't know about the better if people in the program are together - but ... if YOU are lucky -
this is a process of living that she MUST continue.

Are you sure ...
that's what you want out of a relationship?

[refreshing]

Thanks all. Maybe I just don't know. I am not trying to figure her out, but trying to figure out me while I interact with her. Maybe there's just nothing there, and I'm holding out and onto it because "there's this alcohol thing". Honestly, I think if there were no "disease" I would have just went on my way. But I have felt that the way things are going are because of the disease, and then it's worth trying to wait it out.

Who knows, I guess I'm just confused, love struck, and trying to make something more out of it than it is or may ever will be.

I appreciate your comments on my post.

Thanks for sharing.