Boyfriend broke up with me this weekend

[AbsentFriend]

I went to a meeting (ACA) an hour after it happened. Every time I tried to speak, only sobs wanted to come out. I went to dinner with a woman in the program, then spent 2 1/2 hours on the phone with a gentleman from the program (older, married, just a friend) who I'd known longer. Both of them had met the boyfriend.

I called a "mental health day" on Monday, cancelling a couple clients. Spent half the day in bed, the other half on the internet, and went to 2 meetings that evening. Went to dinner with a different woman, and the male friend.

Today I've done nothing. I want to read the Red Book more and write some answers, but I haven't been motivated. I have a client tomorrow morning, and a meeting at noon. The client I'm going to see is also a good friend, and I know I can talk to her, too.

I saw some non-program friends this weekend (before the break-up happened) and have separate plans to see 2 other couples later in the week.

Despite all this support, I still feel lost. I question what really went wrong. If he's serious, or if he'll miss me and want me back. He still loves me, but we just got into too many arguments. I blamed myself for most of them, but some people I've talked to have had to point out to me the ways in which he wasn't holding up his end.

Still, he's the best human being I've ever dated. He was mostly supportive, and we took care of each other in a lot of ways. I attended some of his meetings (NA), and he came to a few of mine. We understood what the other was working on. He even agreed without hesitation to accompany me to couples therapy (Imago), but we'd only had 3 sessions (over 6 weeks - standard for this therapist).

I'm not afraid of being alone. (Although once I'm with someone and committed, I AM afraid of them leaving - which causes problems) I live alone, I didn't date until later in high school, I don't date just for the attention (if I don't see relationship potential, I cut my losses), and I've spent weeks and months without dating.

In the past, it's been easy for me to decide after break-ups that I was better off without that other person. I'm afraid it's going to be different this time. He's such a good person, we connected on a deeper level, and he seemed to really love me (unlike others who have said the words). I'm afraid I'll never stop missing him.

[Japic05]

((absent))

Hate so much that you are going thru this difficult time - I'm sure that you are feeling tons of emotions at this time - especially if you didn't know that the break-up was coming and it hit you out of the blue.

My encouragement to you would be that although today it feels like everything is in those words like "never get over" or "hurt forever" or "never stop missing" to maybe try not to say those words even tho you feel them. Those words may add more to the pain.

One of the slogans is "This too shall pass" - it may not feel like it today - but someday it will - if it is that you and he mend the relationship, you move on or whatever your HP has planned for you.

Please try to take it One Day at a Time.

Maybe allow yourself to feel what you need to feel - when it gets overwhelming you can say "HP, i feel completely & utterly hopeless with this pain today, but I'm willing to be open to your reassurance that This too shall pass - someday, somehow"

This way you are not burying your feelings, emotions, and heartache but at the same time you aren't letting those emotions control you either.

These are the things that have been shared with me by others in recovery - they are not like magic and make everything instantly better - but for me, it has helped little by little - one breath at a time.

prayers for you as you walk this painful path,
Rita

[Growing]

((((absent))))

I know nothing I say will ease the pain. I am here and I am reading what you post and my heart goes out to you.

My experience: It may not be final. This may be what you both need at the moment...My boyfriend/now husband and I broke up countless times...I'm not saying that to minimize your experience or because I am proud that we broke up/got back together so much...I am not proud of that...Looking back it shows me just how codependent I was/am.

My source of strength/hope: I realized just this week, that I need to get my behind into some coda meetings....We don't have ACOA meetings in my area but we have *a* coda meeting....I think the universe is trying to tell me something!?!? Makes sense...since I was raised by mom and dad who were both alcoholics and codependents.

Hope cont.: "This is an opportunity"----don't you just hate that?...I also hate that it is true....this is an opportunity for you to decide who/what type of people you want in your life...."sometimes our Higher Power does for us what we can't do for ourselves"....hows that for an unofficial slogan?....another annoying one that is spot on true....I tell you what....you deserve peace in your life....you deserve to not have to argue alot...you deserve the very best people in the world in your life...YOU DESERVE THAT!!!!!!

I applaud your self-care...you are doing great! Unfortunately for us, all the self-care in the world doesn't minimize the *work* of grieving. It is WORK. It takes time. I hope you can continue to consistently love you down this long hard road....if this really is the end of the relationship....grieving is like a marathon...it takes enduring...it takes endurance....For me that is the hardest part.

A few months back...I eliminated the influence of several toxic relatives in my life...I moved...I stopped answering phonecalls...emails...texts....letters....ect. People who I *knew* were toxic. People who I knew did not have my best interests in mind.

I grieved...I still cried...I still hurt...I am still grieving.

One last annoying unofficial slogan: "It gets (a little) better everyday." Sometimes I am not aware that I am healing....a situation comes up....I deal with it...I review it later...and I realize I am getting better....

"I'm afraid I'll never stop missing him." You don't have to. If that is the requirement then we all fail. Be kind to yourself. My memory banks and heart are full of people that I love and miss but who cannot be a part of my life. Their presence in my life today would create chaos. My memory is full of people who *are* healthy...who I respect...who I have invited into my life...but they don't want me in theirs....that hurts...but I still love them. I still think of them. I have to be careful with them and protect myself even if I love and miss them....but I do appreciate and love the people who ARE in my life...and now I focus on them and further invest in them in a way I find healthy.

I wish you all the best....you only have this day to get through....I like to pray "only for God's Will....and the power to carry that out"-------takes the load off of me.

Love---------Growing

[AbsentFriend]

Reading your words feels good. Thank you. I have already gained some clarity on a few things. I am always surprised when I expect that I won't be able to handle something, and find that I can.

So many things you both have said really touch me. I want to say more, but it's late, and getting to bed at a decent hour is one of those things I need to work on. Starting now.

[Love-her]

Thanks so much...I just learned that my loved one is hurting again. I really needed to hear your kind words. Perfect timing!

[AbsentFriend]

Dear J-,

I prayed for you tonight. I sat by the river like I used to, meditating on these thoughts flowing from me to you:

May you be safe
May you be free from the root of suffering
May you be fully present to your life
May you be whole and filled with love

You will continue to be in my thoughts. I wish you only happiness for the rest of your life.

Love,
Elaine