Help with my Alcoholic Wife - Who wants to be intimate when Drunk

[baumnutde]

Dear members and friends. I find myself in a very difficult situation with my wife of 26 years. She is an alcoholic and has been for the last 15 years. It's been 10 years since we've been intimate in our marriage, partly because I was a recovering alcoholic myself, but have been "clean and sober" for 15 years. Unfortunately, I've always believed that if she would use my sobiety as an example, perhaps she would finally "get it". Right now in the relationship, I'm getting tired of the nightly drinking bouts, especially, when she wants to be intimate with me. I just can't stand for her to attempt to touch me when she's drunk. I realize I have issues with this, but it almost makes my skin crawl when she reaches over to me drunk!! I was just hoping someone here might have some understanding of what I'm going through and can provide some insight. Some friends, who don't have spouse that drink like my wife, say I should perform my husbandly duties and just ignore that my wife is drunk and "get some".. My belief and strong desire to be respectful and caring won't allow me to do that. Pride might have something to do with it also, but I was taught never to take something unless it is freely given. I just wish I would understand and get pass this. I do miss sex, I won't be human if I didn't and I've really given some serious thought to going elsewhere to get it. I haven't taken that leap yet!!, but it's getting hard. Any advice or support would be greatly appreciated..

[Cynay]

Now that is not an easy place to be in at all and to be quite honest...... I could not go that long without being intimate... it is just not in me to have that little in a love relationship.

My first thought is that you need to make some choices about what you will and will not live with and what you want in your life BEFORE you make a choice to "get it elsewhere", trust me when I say that will only cause more pain in an already painful situation. Now on that note I could not and would not make love with a someone that is drunk when I found it offensive... I would set that boundry and make sure my partner understood what my boundry was.... and that one I would enforce..

But more to the point..... if you are sober and working a program, and you are unhappy living in the situation where your wife does not want your lifestyle... and mind you this is 15 years in the making... then maybe the real question is .... well.... is what do you really want with your life and what lengths are you willing to go to. Only you can decide what happiness is for you and what you are willing to do to obtain it.

Life is short.... be happy with what you have or change what makes you unhappy.

[faith12]

I can completely relate my life is badly recovering alcoholic who seems to slip up once every two weeks. I can not be intimate with her when she is drunk what-so-ever. She's not the person I love when she drinks, she's someone else. That someone I just can't sleep with. Not too mention how many times have I come home to find her passed out in her own urine in our bed. It doesn't really get me very hot to think of my wife that way. It just makes me sad honestly. If your wife loves you I imagine you should make a time to be intimate where she doesn't drink. Seems easy enough. If she doesn't comply with this request intimacy may not be her top option and that's a bigger issue. Hang in there man. I know where you are coming from.

[baumnutde]

Faith12 and Cynay, thanks for understanding my situation. It's still the same today, but your opinions have made me relax somewhat. I really need to find what makes me happy, but at 52, I just want to enjoy life, stay healthy, be a good son to my remaining parent, my father died last year, and be the best person I can. Sex, is important to me, but not at the expense of doing it with someone who is drunk all the time. BUT, today, I didn't have a drink and life is good. I remember what my sponsor told me years ago when I started on my "road to recovery", that man or no man, woman or no woman, keep coming back and be focused on the program. I understand, alittle, what she was talking about...Thanks again...DR