The ole "I want to marry your daughter" talk

[Hangin' In]

Well, it's coming. AD and her ABF are coming next weekend to talk to her dad and I about wanting to get married. They are both in the program, she 25 yrs, old, 4 1/2 yrs sober/clean, him 26 yrs old, 19 months clean/sober. She seems to really be getting her life on track ...college fulltime making great grades, and working fulltime, supporting herself. He...uh...well, working with a guy in the program doing landscaping and don't know if he's ever held down a real fulltime job. Have no clue what he wants to do with his life. And to be honest, at 19 months sober, neither did my daughter. I'm not totally "poo pooing" him, just seeing that...ok, I'll say it...I think she might be settling. Of course her dad and I would love to see her marrying someone with some ambition and drive. We just don't see much promise. (And don't I sound like the typical mom who sees no boy being good enough for her baby? )

My husband and I are card carrying members of Al Anon, so we know we are not to pry into their program, their recovery. But we are talking a life long decision, major, MAJOR decision here for them. (Oh, did I just hear someone say, "Yes, Hangin...a decision for THEM." I know, I know. Listen to me anyway, please .)

Just wondering if there are any parents here who have had to deal with this. Our older daughter got married and we had "the talk". Just because my daughter and her bf are addicted, I don't think that should rule us out of being able to say the same thing to AD, such as "So what do you plan to do with your life? Any plans of school, what kind of job, how will you support her", etc. RECOVERY is a huge, huge issue. I want to ask if they have talked with others in recovery, others with long term sobriety. Would they recommend this? Has he worked the steps? What are you plans if there is a relapse?

See my dilema? I have a feeling AD will get defensive is we start treading into the recovery subject. And that right there will tell me something in her gut might be telling her that her self will might be playing a bigger role in this than she wants to admit. If she truly believes she has done Step 3 with this one, then she won't become defensive.

So....anyone....? I'm waiting for someone to really sock it to me. We know not to try and talk them out of it. I may be dumb but I ain't stoopid! I'd really like to see her finish school (2yrs down the road) before jumping into marriage. She's worked so hard to get herself to this point.

And yeah, yeah, I know...her life is not mine to live. So back to the question............anyone have any insight or experience?

Thanks.
Hangin' in

[Ann]

Okay, so I followed you in here in a codie kinda way, wondering what might be troubling my friend from the south.

I don't have experience in this, but reading through your thoughts I wondered if they have set a date. Maybe if they are engaged for that 2 years it would take her to finish college, they might get a chance to see if this will work or not.

I know that you know and she knows that we know...mama's don't get to pick the fella. Good fellas sometimes make poor husbands and iffy fellas sometimes turn out to be gems. Wouldn't it be nice if God would just send us a sign and let us know what we are controlling...err, I mean "dealing" with? :

I'll butt out now, but you KNOW I'll be peeking in to see what transpires.

[historyteach]

I have no experience here, Hangin'...
Just lots of support for your concerns. I fully understand them, yes I do!

And like Ann, I followed you in here in a codie type of way too.

Shalom!

[Cynay]

Ohhhh sweetie.... Got to love the "codie" following you have....

I will log on later today and talk with you... I will give this some thought since I seem to have a couple of the same issues...

[Hangin' In]

I love codie support. Thanks gals!

And thank Cynay. I can use anything you've got to offer. I'll stay tuned.