Need help!

[ked214]

Hi, I am new to these forums, and grateful to be there. Thanks for reading.

My problem is this: My boyfriend just relapsed, and this isn't the first time. He has struggled with sobriety for a number of years. This time, however, he stole money from my mother - which throws a wrench in things.

It's a real case of Jekyll and Hyde though. Normally, sober, he would never do such a thing. He is the kindest, most gentle and wonderful man I have ever met, and we have talked about spending the rest of our lives together. This has been my first healthy relationship, and this relapse was out of the blue. He has talked it over with his sponsor and is sure it was because he was not totally honest about certain things. He is doing the right thing now. Back into the steps, living with his sponsor, talking to other alcoholcs and making meetings daily.

My question is: what would you do in this situation? I have been praying like a man woman. I know that the relationship needs time. He needs time to get back on his feet, and I need time to heal from the lies and drama of it all.

I have no problem letting people go, if I'm convinced they have no place in my life. But in every other aspect, we are wonderful for each other. When we're both sober, we grow together and challenge each other to be better people.

Do I cut him off and move on? Do I give him another chance? He is truly dedicated to his sobriety... he has just had such a hard time. Much harder than I had. I don't want to give up on him.

Also, I am sober almost three years now. Just for backround info.

Any words, kindness or experience would help. Thank you so much.

Love and light, K

[Cynay]

Welcome to SR... we are glad you found us too. Congrads on your 3 years!!! That is great news.

Funny I was talking to my sponsor once and said something like that..... The relationship would be perfect if he would/EXCEPT for ...........

Her response was .... yea I bet the girlfriend of Ted Bundie said the same thing..... The relationship would be perfect and we are perfect together if he would just stop killing women. LOL.... my point being I can make all kinds of excuses and rationalize behavior.... the bottom line is they are who they are.

This has been my first healthy relationship

I hope Im not the first to tell you this but ..... well.... Keep looking if you want a "healthy" or "normal" relationship... cuz this one is not it. That is not to say it can not be a great relationship or the best one for you in time.... but it is not that today and will take alot of work and years before you come close. You are both Alcoholic's, and he is a cronic relapser so Im not sure you will ever have a "normal" relationship.

Im currently dating an Alcoholic and Im an adult child of an Alcoholic .... Codependant and working my own program in Al-anon and CoDA.... I can tell you for me ... he and I will never have a "normal" relationship... I heard it put once that "we" can never go back to being a cucumber after being a pickle. What I can tell you though is we do have an amazing relationship in recovery... we both work our seperate program and together we councel and work a program in CoDA. I know that we understand each other better then I think most people could because we have been through this disease and work daily to become the best we can for ourselves and each other. You dont have to give up on him, but you might want to consider looking into some Al-anon meetings and maybe do some soul searching and boundry setting. His re-lasping all the time cant be good for your program either.

Instead of knowing that you need time to heal from the lies, his stealing, drama of it all ... maybe you could look at why your willing to accept this type of behavior in the first place.... Maybe think about keeping the focus on yourself and placing this on the back burner for awhile till he has some soberity under his belt???

What ever you decide ... Im glad your here... keep coming back and I look forward to getting to know you.