Relationships and Emotional Intimacy in the First Year of Sobriety

[BoldVision]

Good morning,

I am a recovering co-dependent for over 25 years. I have not been active on this forum, however, I have been active on other forums.

My partner wrote an article, "No Intimate Relationships During the First Year of Sobriety!" that I thought would be useful to you.

Best regards,

Taye

“No Intimate Relationships During the First Year of Sobriety”

By Daniel Linder MFT

Recovering addicts hear this all the time in 12-step programs. However, this sound bit of wisdom is rarely heeded. Many have a hard time accepting that a hiatus from intimate relationships is necessary. In their minds, dating and new relationships seem benign. “As long as I’m not using and we’re not using and are in a program, I’m safe.” Not so fast. Getting into an intimate relationship prematurely is, as my mother would say, “Ill-conceived, ill-advised and ill-consummated.”

Odds are more than fifty percent of marriages will end in divorce for the general population. Want to venture a guess as to the odds for those in early recovery who test this cardinal rule?

Despite one’s best laid plans or intentions to not re-enact the same dysfunction and failures of previous relationships, the odds are overwhelmingly against the relationship -- doomed to be dysfunctional or have a shortened life expectancy.

Of course, there are always exceptions to the rule, but assuming that we would not want our emotional and mental well-being to hinge on a miracle, is it worth the risk? But this is not what the recovering addict is thinking about. When it comes to delaying gratification, when it comes to ‘choosing’ between ‘one step at a time’ versus ‘all at once,’ thinking in terms of gradual and taking time to develop and being objective and realistic are not how addicts are wired. There is no point of reference. Most recovering addicts don’t realize that admitting to being out of control and surrendering to their powerlessness, as having done so in Steps I and II, also apply to their emotions when dating and in early stage relationships.

The problem is not the relationship or the intimacy. It’s the sex. Sex tends to increase one’s level of emotional involvement and intensity of feelings, especially for women. Men tend to cope by splitting off from their feelings; that is, are more likely to engage in sexual relationships while remaining emotionally divorced or superficial. Sex is a trigger for emotional over-involvement or under-involvement relative to the stage of relationship. Either way, each one’s inability to manage his/her own emotional needs and provide self-nourishment will eventually jeopardize the developing relationship.

What often happens is that sex, exciting enough as it is, often leads to an infusion of romantic feelings, which can further heighten the excitement, which then awakens the “sleeping giant” -- the backlog of unmet emotional needs from previous relationships. The “giant” awakens (emotionally) ravenous and is not aware of the extent his/her hunger drives the relationship. Our unmet emotional needs reside in our unconscious and are sealed off from our awareness.

It’s during the first year of recovery that the addict is to learn how to break the cycle of addiction. A year of sobriety and ‘relationship abstinence’ is meant to allow a sufficient amount of time to deal with one’s own emotions without having to resort to his/her addiction, to build self-awareness and to become responsible for one’s own emotional care. Rather than relying on an external source for relief or emotional gain, which is what s/he is accustomed to do, s/he begins to look internally, to rely on oneself as a source of emotional nourishment.

“The most important relationship is with oneself” poses a complete paradigm shift to the recovering addict. If the necessary amount of time to grow the relationship with oneself hasn’t lapsed, chances are the recovering addict will do what they’ve been accustomed to do all of their lives; that is to look outside of oneself for relief or to make up for what is missing emotionally.

When unmet emotional needs begin to get played out in the relationship, the relationship can become an addictive or dysfunctional one, which further perpetuates the cycle of addiction. There may be excitement and hope at the beginning, but it’s only be a matter of time before increasing strife, stress and dysfunction lead to the relationship’s demise. An additional factor of concern is that dysfunctional and failed relationships dramatically increase the risk of relapse.

At the 5 month point of a sustained period of ‘relationship abstinence,’ Linda, a recovering alcoholic, proceeded to date a man, Jack, whom she met at a 12-Step meeting. Jack had been sober 10 years.

After approximately 5 dates during 3 weeks of dating him, the “writing was on the wall.” Linda had sex with him on the third date, which felt like quite an accomplishment that she was able to wait “so long.” When I asked her to assess the level of her emotional involvement, she thought about it awhile before saying in a tone of wonderment, “Not too much I hope. Noticed myself checking my phone messages more frequently than usual. That’s all.” She was referring his anticipated return from being out of town for several days. She didn’t want to fret about whether he would call her upon his return, but she did. She didn’t want to end up calling him before he called her, but she just couldn’t wait.

There were other indications of emotional over-involvement. When Linda talked about how she reacted when a couple of overtures she had made to him, i.e. expressing a desire to celebrate his birthday together and a dinner invitation, he suggested they “play it by ear,” she noticed herself getting angry and responding sarcastically to him.

It was apparent that Linda was looking for assurances that he is still interested. When his assurances weren’t forthcoming, she reacted as if he wasn’t being truthful, that he really wasn’t interested in her or the relationship, which wasn’t the case. He might have been taken aback by the edge in her voice. Linda couldn’t see that she was reacting from wounds of past relationships, from a place of insecurity, and the extent her mental and emotional well being hinged on how he responded to her.

The challenge for Linda remains the same as for any other recovering addict; taking the time -- how ever long the process of self-reclamation takes, before entering into a sexually, intimate relationship.

“No intimate relationships during the first year of sobriety” is merely a reminder that it takes a year or so of rigorous participation in a program that is sobriety and self-based before one is emotionally ready to get sexually involved. If entering into such a relationship prematurely, the recovering person, and anyone else for that matter, runs the risk of unresolved dependency issues tainting the newly developing relationship. This is also the time to gain experience in a (platonic) intimate relationship.

[BoldVision]

Recovering addicts hear this all the time in12-step programs. However, this sound bit of wisdom is rarely heeded.

Let's discuss this principle and seek support for early sobriety and
emotional intimacy.

[Nuudawn]

Thank you for this post. There have been times in my early sobriety that I have hoped for a relationship to hold my hand in this journey. Somewhere along the line I have realized that it is a self defeating desire. I'm not even 4 months sober and I really don't know who I am...I'm learning but I have a great ways to go. In my drinking past, I always rushed the physical intimacy component because I am incredibly uncomfortable with the emotional intimacy part. I have hoped that my partners could get everything they need from me physically. It is increasingly clear to me that once I can get comfortable with who I am, it will be oh so much easier to invite someone in. Right now I run the risk of being consumed by another cuz I dont' know enough about myself yet. A relationship would only serve to interrupt and interfere with my growing understanding with who I am and who I will be.

Of course I would LOVE one...but I know, it just isn't the right time yet.

[BoldVision]

It's an attest to your integrity as you proceed through recovery that you're able and willing to take a realistic view of your ship. You see that your limitations and lack of essential experience has led to the demise of the relationship. You seem to have some understanding of stages of self development. The self-work you are engaged in at this time will pay off and be reflected in the quality of your next relationship.

The physical/sexual part of a relationship is usually far easier to attain, but is often mistaken for emotional intimacy, which translates to a lack of preparedness for the challenges emotional intimacy poses. In order to participate in a growing (emotionally) intimate relationship, it's necessary to first grow that relationship with yourself. In order to deal with being vulnerable for example, one must have developed resources in oneself to rely on, be able to handle a wide range of feelings, be self-aware so that intimate communicate is possible. When entering into a relationship prematurely, you're increasing the risk of relapse as a deteriorating relationship or one that doesn't work out may be the most common trigger for relapse.

[BoldVision]

I appreciate you having taken the time to read my post.

Best regards,
Taye :-) a recovering co-dependent


PS I recently wrote a story: An anecdotal story of a recovering co-dependent. Let me know if you would like me to post it.

[bv1979]

This is a topic that hits close to home for me, because my AGF and I re-connected when she was just about 4 months sober. She and I had dated off and on last year while she was drinking, and as much as I cared about her, I couldn't deal with her when she was drinking, and she refused to get help at the time.

We started hanging out as friends a few months ago, and in what was completely unexpected to both of us (honestly), we ended up back together in a relationship again. Now, I even brought up the "first year" thing to her, and she said she had thought about that too, and that her sobriety does come first, but that since we were together before, she felt comfortable with me, and more importantly, safe with me.

Things are great with us right now, after a rough patch that ended last week and we both learned a lot from. I've since started going to Al-Anon meetings, and continue to take her to her AA meetings whenever my schedule allows.

It still worries me though, both selfishly that I don't want to lose her if she decides that she can't truly handle the relationship right now, but also unselfishly that I don't want to be the cause of any stress - and I know that no relationship is ever easy and without stress - and don't want to end up being a trigger to her relapsing.

Anyway, I appreciated the posting...Maybe I'll run into you out there in West Marin

[ghostgirl]

i wanted to bump this... it means a lot to me. by ex broke up with me a little over a month ago... its like a guy will tell me he loves me in three or four weeks in a relationship, and then i make it my absolute business to provide him with as many reasons as i can as to why he should not.

i'm really struggling with it today. i'm fine when i don't have to see him. the obsessive "what is he doing, who is he doing it with" dies down and i focus on me and my daughter. i'm only three months sober, and i have never dealt with a relationship/breakup sober. when i know i'm going to have to see him at work, i feel sick.

i called him today after work. he was polite, but needed to get off the phone, and i just kept on yap yap yap, then wanted to know if he'd like to meet for coffee... he said he'd have to see what he was doing this week... i have all the emotional maturity of a 14 year old, and realized i should not have called him in the first place. now i just want to hide. i feel like an a$$.

[Cynay]

How about this Ghostgirl.... I will stick this to the top for a little while.

Congrads on your 3 months ... that is wonderful.

Dont beat yourself up so much hon... we have all done that. I would not suggest you keep doing it as the rejection is not healthy for you... especially when it happens time and time again. Trust me on that one, it will start to effect your self image. Sounds like now would be a really good time to bump up your meetings and get out with friends and family???

I personally tend to isolate, Im aware of this and still today will do it if Im not careful. Take really good care of yourself right now and even thought I hate it when it is used on me.... but I promise this too will pass. My first sponsor asked me not to date for a year when my boyfriend and I broke up last year.... I did not heed the advise though and the very next relationship ended pretty quickly... I have no regrets though as I have learned alot and the relaitonship had a good ending...

Just know your not alone we are all here to walk through it with you.