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[smith1]

As a brief recap that can be found under threads recovering alcholic girlfriend and update on recovering alcoholic girlfriend. We dated over a year a I stood by her everything. Through 4 dui arrest and at trials in two different counties. She was in was in jail for two weeks before going to rehab for 90 days. She told me duing the year of datin that she loved me and would call twice a day in jail and tell me how much she missed me. After she went to rehab,s he was in detox for 4 days and then everything changed when she stated tratment the next week. She became cold and distant toward me. About three weeks ago when she had i week of treatment left she was hiome on a pass for the week end and broke up with me. She told me there was no spark. She had to serve 5 days inj jail in her home county after getting out of treatment and now has one year of house arrest in her parents custody. I did a lot of reading when she was in treatment. I had never dated an alcuholic before. I fell like she just used me during that yeat because you don;t falll in or out of love that fast. My question is.
Are alcohlics so use dto susing people that they cobntinue to do so for a long time in sobriety because that is alll they have ever none. My ex has been an alcoholic for about 15 years. I no the answer will do no good but I am still stinging. What are other's experiences?

[Cynay]

Hi again Smith.....

I wish I could tell you something to take that pain and anger away from you. One day you are going to have to let it go before it eats you alive.

I have known a few Alcoholics that have ended relationships after becoming sober. Relationships are hard.... there is alot of emotion put into them and you have to work at them to keep the love, trust and "spark" alive. Most newly sober alcoholics dont have that to give.

Yes it is selfish, but that is what they have to be if they are going to stay sober. When my Alcoholic got sober I was more angry with him then when he was drinking.... I thought that when he got sober he would also start working on us, healing all the things he did ... building a relationship again. Did not happen that way, I rarely saw him because he was always at an AA meeting or hanging out with the "fellowship" trying to figure out a new life. It ended up that we split because we were not compatable anymore. He did a 180 and I was SO angry .... I put everything I had into that relationship.... but his soberity is not about me, it is about him.

If a relationship is ment to be, it will happen. Try working on compassion... maybe some open AA meetings could help with that. It really is not personal and about you hon.

[smith1]

Cynay
I was in such a mood when I wrote USERS, I don't thing the last few sentences mad sense with misspelled words. I am not mad so much as hurt. I know it takes time. When my girlfriend broke up with me three weeks ago she said we could be friends and still go to movies and dinner but it was never going to be the way it was and she was never going to change her mind. Seems she wanted her cake and eat it too. I knew the best thing to do was detach. She spent five days in jail the next week and everyone thought that was it except for probation. The judge had other plans.She brought her up from jail and gave her a year of house arrest in the custody of her parents, She told me when we broke up to look for someone else because she was. I guess she's not going to be dating much under house arrest. I bet if she'd known about the house arrest she wouldn't have broken up with me because she knows I would have dated her at home. Again I know it does no good to try to figure someone else's mind but my original question that didn't come thru in my post is the same. Alcoholics are so used to using other people, do you think they are so in that mode that they continue being USERS for a long time after sobriety?Would appreciate comments from others as well.

[lillian]

hi smith1- i don't have an answer for you- i don't think that there is an answer, and that's the frusterating part- my husband left me for another woman when he got sober-lied, cheated, was really mean and disrespectful- i didn't even know him. then she broke up with him, and he said it had all been insanity on his part. he said he had to be on his own to build himself up again, that he was so sorry for what he'd done; he wanted to sleep with me, complain to me, have me loan him a few bucks here and there, give him a ride to work= but he'd get angry if i asked where it might be heading-- "I can't have a relationship with ANYONE till i get myself straightened out." then he dumped me again for another woman. his sponsor asked him if the reason he'd been seeing me was so he could use the car. why would his sponsor think this if my husband told him what he was telling me-- that he loved me, wanted to be with me ideally? so i wondered, like you, if his sponsor was right. maybe he had no intention of being with me, and was just using me for rides till he found a new girlfriend. but thinking that way doesn't really help me-- let's say the answer is yes-- then i feel extra humiliated, like i can't trust my instincts once again, that i am not worthy of love or respect-- let's say the answer is no, he wasn't using me- well, he still doesn't want to be with me. no matter what the reason is that he doesn't want to be with me is, the fact is that he doesn't want to be with me. it feels awful. but i have no choice but to accept it, because that's the reality. maybe if i had accepted the reality along time ago- there were plenty of signs that he was never going to be serious about getting together with me- he said he couldn't be, for lord's sake- but i wanted to believe that extra spin on it-- the "he WOULD be if he could"-- what could be, would be, should be-- it isn't what is. do you have much contact with her? maybe you should break the "habit"- try going some time without any contact, just to stabilize... good luck. i think you'll find that you aren't alone. this kind of thing seems to happen when people get sober- personally, i am angry that my husband wants to share his new and improved self with another- i used to feel like he had beer googles on- i was okay when he was drinking, but now he's a new man and i'm no longer worth his time. but again, that's negative thinking and it doesn't matter- it won't help me to know. i will never know for sure, not for a long time- because he has lied to me so many times and betrayed me, that i don't think i could ever trust him again. he has shown me through his actions who he is-- someone who doesn't want to be with me. and that's his choice- it feels bad, but i try to remind myself that it doesn't mean that i'm bad. it's hard though- he has a beautiful young girlfriend and they spend all their time together- he seems happy, looks happy- i really loved him. i am in the process of getting a divorce. it's like he doesn't even care. it's hard to be alone when you know the other person is in the height of a romance. sometimes i wonder if i'll ever sleep with anyone again. i am rambling-- sorry!

[smith1]

Lillian
I haven't seen her sicne whe broke up with me. She called me when she was on a week end pass and before going to jail for five days. She asked if she left some earings at my house and talked about going to jail and other things.I bet she wouldn't have broken up with me if she had known she was going to get a years house arrest, at least she wouldn't have during that year. I guess she won't be doing much dating at all for a year!

[dirtyd]

My fiance went to rehab for drugs and we had probs during and when she came home ,but i gave her some room and let her decide how she felt and everything worked out. She is still and will always be recovering but a little time to get her feelings together went a long ways. I promise it will be hard to let them go if you love them but that may be the only way.I know when she got sober she was really struggling with her feelings and it took a while , so try to be patient and if you believe in them pray and have faith.