2/23 Language of Letting Go

[Cynay]

You are reading from Mars & Venus starting over by John Gray, Ph.D.

Quite often, after ending a relationship, we will simply blame our ex-partner for the problems, feel a huge relief to get out, and then move on. We feel relieved because finally we are out, and we have another chance to find love and happiness. Although this reaction is certainly appropriate, it is a clear indicator that we are denying a host of unresolved feelings. If we continue to ignore these feelings and just move on, we will tend to attract partners who are ferfect to trigger our unresolved feelings.

Men and women commonly feel relief for different reasons. A man feels relief when he blames his partner for their problems, while a women feels relief that she doesn't have to feel responsible for the relationship anymore. Althoughwe both feel relief, we need to look a little deeper to heal our hearts and to find the right partner next time.

A man is eager to forget what has happened, but he has not yet forgiven. His immediate solution to the failure of his relationship is to find another partner. Although he may have a positive attitude, when similar issues arise in future relationships, he will be qquick to blame and will have a more difficult time finding forgiveness.

To find forgiveness, a man needs to explore how he contributed to the problem in the relationship. The more responsible a man feels, the more he is able to forgive. A forgiving and responsible attitude frees him from being too picky or reacting with blame in future relationships.

When a women feels relief it is associated with an attitude of responsibility. Her relief comes from not having to feel responsible anymore to make a relationship work. She feels she has sacrificed enough and often has nothing left to give. In this state of mind, she must be careful not to be forgiving right away, otherwise she may get stuck in self-blame. When a relationship fails, men get most stuck by blaming their partner while women get most stuck by blaming themselves.

To forgive and forget, women need to first to explore how they were effected by the problems in the relaitonship. When a women attempts to forgive too quickly, she may feel a lingering guilt or feeling of unworthiness. If she first takes time to explore the four healing emotions, she is then able to forgive her partner without bearing the unhealthy burden of guilt.

After finding forgiveness without hearing too much responsibility for the problems, the foundation has been laid for a women to become fully accountable for her contribution to the problems in the relationship. With an attitude of forgiveness and responsibility, she is then empowered to move on with the self -assurance required to begin a new relationship. She is able to recognize that what she suffered in this realtionship will not necessarily occur in the next.

If a women equates having a relationship with sacrifice, then she will resist getting involved again. If a man remembers a past relationship with blame, he will continue to get involved, but then he is required to make normal sacrifices or compromises he is often quick to back out.

When we feel relief at the end of a relationship, our challenge is to ontinue looking at our feelings. A significant part of why we feel relief is that we can finally stop having all these uncomfortable feelings. Our tendency is to try to forget what happened. Centainly there are times when this strategy works, but it is not appropriate at the end of an intimate relationship.

By taking some time to explore our emotions beneath the surface feelings of relief, we will gradually find a whole world of unresolved feelings. Although we are happy to forget and to move on, it is wise to give ourselves permission to resent the whole experience and to feel all four healing emotions. When we don't have to forget our past to feel better, then we are ready to move into another relationship.