is saddness a tool? - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

lillian · 01-05-2007, 09:58 PM

does crying help? i read a post i wrote from a couple of weeks ago about how my husband told me he slept with a girl, but wanted to work on things with me and definetely didn't want a relationship with her, the idea was ridiculous and he would probably never see her again, or would rarely-- i thought this was odd at the time- how does sleeping with someone else equal wanting a relationship? since that time, he hasn't slept with me and things have gone somehow to he doesn't want to stop seeing her, is seeing/sleeping with her, having a relationship with her, and wants separation from me/doesnt want a relationship with me/divorce would be just fine with him.

i have a sponsor, am starting to work on the steps, he's getting his things out-- i read posts here, i know i am not alone, i know i have to work on me and not think about why he's doing what he's doing. i hate myspace-- any time i want i can look up her page, see her beautiful pictures, read her love poems to him. i know i shouldn't ask why (why say he wants to be with me, wants me in his life, misses me, and then doesn't call/has a brand new relationship he's into) I must move on, but i really want to be wrong- i want it to work out. the problem feels new, even though it isn't. its been 2 years since he moved out and asked me for a divorce- he moved out a month after getting sober,so he's got 2 years. some say don't take action, wait, he and I are still changing, the new girl is a new drug- others, like my family, say get a divorce, get his things out, it will help me move on. divorce is symbolic- is it trying to force a solution? we don't have kids, and property is not an issue. the real problem is me reacting, being sad, having no self esteem, being obsessed with him and not thinking of my own life. this is just a venting i guess- you all have given me good advice before. of course i'll always be up for hearing how you have coped. i cry and aren't there supposed to be some kind of enzymes in those tears to make you feel better?

how are you all doing tonight?

appleblaster · 01-05-2007, 11:49 PM

doing well actually. nice and peaceful tonight.
sadness can be a very useful tool if you recognize it for what it is, feel it, accept it and walk through it. if you don't fight it then you will move forward faster. what you are going through would make anyone sad.
i do not really know the chemical makeup of tears but i do know that crying does seem to purge that sad emotion. if you are very energetic and you go out and wash the car, you purge the energy. tears are liquid sadness i guess. let it out.
someone on this board said recently that an alcoholic's words are irrelevant. make your decisions and conclusions based on his actions. b/c at the end of the day that's all that matters.
i am totally with you on the myspace thing. i used to torture myself stalking my exabf on there but now it doesn't really matter anymore. i've accepted that he's like scrambled eggs......i cannot have just the white or the yellow part, i've got to take all or nothing. i've chosen nothing. he's seen other girls (medicating his pain) and i firmly believe that anyone who stays with him a long time must like their eggs scrambled. these days i'm going for sunny side up!
lots of huggs to you lillian.
be good to yourself.

lillian · 01-06-2007, 04:44 AM

its nice to hear that you are doing well and are feeling peaceful. long has it been since you ending things with your ex? i look forward to the peaceful. it's going to take some time and work i think for me. did you get therapy/go to alaon/do anything in particular to walk through it?>

utopia · 01-06-2007, 04:46 AM

hey, crying good? absolutely, i find its best when with the witness of a loving and trusted friend because when my pain is validated it is much easier to accept and release. then again sometimes i just have to cry. its like when something is funny and i cant help but LAUGH, its releasing the emotion rather than repressing it and causing all sorts of trouble, like, godm probably cancer by not allowing myself ot feel. a marriage ending is a great loss and like any loss i believe one needs to grieve in order to accept. im not married but i have know loss in my life and with a program and the faith i choose one day to get out of that dark hole because i value someone more than what ive lost, me and what my life is going to be on this earth.

i used to equate sex with love, take sexual interest in me as a sign of love. due to my childhood and having a parent who was also sexually abusive. im learning differently now but thats why i got the two mixed up. not goin to be ashamed that i trusted because i refuse to bne ashamed of being an open and loving being that sees the good in others but one thing ive had to learn and still learn is boundaries in my life and to have some barrier, maybe not the barb wires but now a big welcome sign either....rambling....ad for divorce, if it brings you closer to feeling at ease i would say do it buti ts your choice because remember its your life, your body and your future. you can choose! what others think aint none of my business and they can hate it or love it baby!!! peace and good luck on your path!

Cynay · 01-07-2007, 02:59 PM

*hugs* to you, what a hard place to be.

I personally think that crying is the begining of the healing process... for me it takes alot before I will cry. When I was a child I use to think that my mom would abuse me just to break me and see me cry... because of my stuborn nature I would not give her the satisfaction and therefore would not cry. As an adult I carry alot of that with me and Im usually unable to share my tears with another person. I have only done it a handful of times in my adult life...

What I have learned is crying for me is a surrender of the pain, It's giving it up and saying Im not a rock Im a human and I cant do this alone... That is where my healing begins.

As for the marriage... Damn that one hurts. Hind sight is 20/20.... I was so torn up when my ex and I seperated, he was one month sober and 13th stepped with a gal at his meetings... Looking back on things now I can clearly see that God was doing for me what I could not do for myself. I would not have left that relationship and it was so toxic for me... I thank him every day that he removed me from that.

I know it hurts and you are in deep pain right now, maybe try to hold on to the faith that God has a better plan and is removing this toxic relationship so you can move on to what your really deserve...

lillian · 01-07-2007, 11:35 PM

thanks cynay- you know, i don't think i'd ever have ended the relationship either on my own- i wanted to be married- who cares if the living sitation was bad= so maybe it is a blessing that he ended it- over the years, i accepted less and less and became less and less=i cried my guts out yesterday, at one point last night i felt like killing myself- but today, i got up, raked the yard, put his stuff in boxes- he came over with his roommate and got a lot of his stuff- i can start to see the house as mine versus our house that he abandonned. he cried and said some stuff that didn't make sense to me about hpw i'm the one that talks about divorce/ending things, not him, how much he loves me- yet he is the one saying he wants muvh more distance, doesn't want a married relationship, and he has a new girlfriend. anyway, i will try to ease through it and not stuff it all down. thank you for your thoughts.

Cynay · 01-08-2007, 01:08 AM

He is confused hon.... just confused.

But it does not have to be "your" confusion. It sounds to me like we have alot in common when it comes to ending toxic relationships.

All I can tell you is today after Therapy, Alanon, Open AA meetings, SR and a heck of a lot of reading.... Im one of the lucky ones. I would not have said that 2 years ago.... but today Im dating and there is one that is special.... and all of them Im dating treat me better then the alcoholic ever did...

It takes time, start inside hon....

steady14 · 01-09-2007, 06:34 PM

I hear the same story. My W wants more space and doesn't want to be married right now. She loves me but is not in love with me. What is it with newly sober spouses?

She does say that she wants our marriage to work, she's just not ready to go there right now.

Wishing you the best in a very tough time.

01-05-2007, 09:58 PM	#1 (permalink)
lillian Member Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Los Angeles CA Posts: 136	is saddness a tool? does crying help? i read a post i wrote from a couple of weeks ago about how my husband told me he slept with a girl, but wanted to work on things with me and definetely didn't want a relationship with her, the idea was ridiculous and he would probably never see her again, or would rarely-- i thought this was odd at the time- how does sleeping with someone else equal wanting a relationship? since that time, he hasn't slept with me and things have gone somehow to he doesn't want to stop seeing her, is seeing/sleeping with her, having a relationship with her, and wants separation from me/doesnt want a relationship with me/divorce would be just fine with him. i have a sponsor, am starting to work on the steps, he's getting his things out-- i read posts here, i know i am not alone, i know i have to work on me and not think about why he's doing what he's doing. i hate myspace-- any time i want i can look up her page, see her beautiful pictures, read her love poems to him. i know i shouldn't ask why (why say he wants to be with me, wants me in his life, misses me, and then doesn't call/has a brand new relationship he's into) I must move on, but i really want to be wrong- i want it to work out. the problem feels new, even though it isn't. its been 2 years since he moved out and asked me for a divorce- he moved out a month after getting sober,so he's got 2 years. some say don't take action, wait, he and I are still changing, the new girl is a new drug- others, like my family, say get a divorce, get his things out, it will help me move on. divorce is symbolic- is it trying to force a solution? we don't have kids, and property is not an issue. the real problem is me reacting, being sad, having no self esteem, being obsessed with him and not thinking of my own life. this is just a venting i guess- you all have given me good advice before. of course i'll always be up for hearing how you have coped. i cry and aren't there supposed to be some kind of enzymes in those tears to make you feel better? how are you all doing tonight?

01-05-2007, 11:49 PM	#2 (permalink)
appleblaster up and out Join Date: Jan 2007 Posts: 185	doing well actually. nice and peaceful tonight. sadness can be a very useful tool if you recognize it for what it is, feel it, accept it and walk through it. if you don't fight it then you will move forward faster. what you are going through would make anyone sad. i do not really know the chemical makeup of tears but i do know that crying does seem to purge that sad emotion. if you are very energetic and you go out and wash the car, you purge the energy. tears are liquid sadness i guess. let it out. someone on this board said recently that an alcoholic's words are irrelevant. make your decisions and conclusions based on his actions. b/c at the end of the day that's all that matters. i am totally with you on the myspace thing. i used to torture myself stalking my exabf on there but now it doesn't really matter anymore. i've accepted that he's like scrambled eggs......i cannot have just the white or the yellow part, i've got to take all or nothing. i've chosen nothing. he's seen other girls (medicating his pain) and i firmly believe that anyone who stays with him a long time must like their eggs scrambled. these days i'm going for sunny side up! lots of huggs to you lillian. be good to yourself. __________________ Life is too short to spend your time with boat anchors.

01-06-2007, 04:44 AM	#3 (permalink)
lillian Member Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Los Angeles CA Posts: 136	thanks apple its nice to hear that you are doing well and are feeling peaceful. long has it been since you ending things with your ex? i look forward to the peaceful. it's going to take some time and work i think for me. did you get therapy/go to alaon/do anything in particular to walk through it?>

01-06-2007, 04:46 AM	#4 (permalink)
utopia Member Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: Australia Posts: 712	hey, crying good? absolutely, i find its best when with the witness of a loving and trusted friend because when my pain is validated it is much easier to accept and release. then again sometimes i just have to cry. its like when something is funny and i cant help but LAUGH, its releasing the emotion rather than repressing it and causing all sorts of trouble, like, godm probably cancer by not allowing myself ot feel. a marriage ending is a great loss and like any loss i believe one needs to grieve in order to accept. im not married but i have know loss in my life and with a program and the faith i choose one day to get out of that dark hole because i value someone more than what ive lost, me and what my life is going to be on this earth. i used to equate sex with love, take sexual interest in me as a sign of love. due to my childhood and having a parent who was also sexually abusive. im learning differently now but thats why i got the two mixed up. not goin to be ashamed that i trusted because i refuse to bne ashamed of being an open and loving being that sees the good in others but one thing ive had to learn and still learn is boundaries in my life and to have some barrier, maybe not the barb wires but now a big welcome sign either....rambling....ad for divorce, if it brings you closer to feeling at ease i would say do it buti ts your choice because remember its your life, your body and your future. you can choose! what others think aint none of my business and they can hate it or love it baby!!! peace and good luck on your path! __________________

01-07-2007, 02:59 PM	#5 (permalink)
Cynay Member Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Phoenix, AZ Posts: 3,836	hugs to you, what a hard place to be. I personally think that crying is the begining of the healing process... for me it takes alot before I will cry. When I was a child I use to think that my mom would abuse me just to break me and see me cry... because of my stuborn nature I would not give her the satisfaction and therefore would not cry. As an adult I carry alot of that with me and Im usually unable to share my tears with another person. I have only done it a handful of times in my adult life... What I have learned is crying for me is a surrender of the pain, It's giving it up and saying Im not a rock Im a human and I cant do this alone... That is where my healing begins. As for the marriage... Damn that one hurts. Hind sight is 20/20.... I was so torn up when my ex and I seperated, he was one month sober and 13th stepped with a gal at his meetings... Looking back on things now I can clearly see that God was doing for me what I could not do for myself. I would not have left that relationship and it was so toxic for me... I thank him every day that he removed me from that. I know it hurts and you are in deep pain right now, maybe try to hold on to the faith that God has a better plan and is removing this toxic relationship so you can move on to what your really deserve... __________________ Cynay "Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself." Harvey Fierstein

01-07-2007, 11:35 PM	#6 (permalink)
lillian Member Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Los Angeles CA Posts: 136	thanks cynay- you know, i don't think i'd ever have ended the relationship either on my own- i wanted to be married- who cares if the living sitation was bad= so maybe it is a blessing that he ended it- over the years, i accepted less and less and became less and less=i cried my guts out yesterday, at one point last night i felt like killing myself- but today, i got up, raked the yard, put his stuff in boxes- he came over with his roommate and got a lot of his stuff- i can start to see the house as mine versus our house that he abandonned. he cried and said some stuff that didn't make sense to me about hpw i'm the one that talks about divorce/ending things, not him, how much he loves me- yet he is the one saying he wants muvh more distance, doesn't want a married relationship, and he has a new girlfriend. anyway, i will try to ease through it and not stuff it all down. thank you for your thoughts.

01-08-2007, 01:08 AM	#7 (permalink)
Cynay Member Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Phoenix, AZ Posts: 3,836	He is confused hon.... just confused. But it does not have to be "your" confusion. It sounds to me like we have alot in common when it comes to ending toxic relationships. All I can tell you is today after Therapy, Alanon, Open AA meetings, SR and a heck of a lot of reading.... Im one of the lucky ones. I would not have said that 2 years ago.... but today Im dating and there is one that is special.... and all of them Im dating treat me better then the alcoholic ever did... It takes time, start inside hon.... __________________ Cynay "Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself." Harvey Fierstein

01-09-2007, 06:34 PM	#8 (permalink)
steady14 Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: East Coast Posts: 45	I hear the same story. My W wants more space and doesn't want to be married right now. She loves me but is not in love with me. What is it with newly sober spouses? She does say that she wants our marriage to work, she's just not ready to go there right now. Wishing you the best in a very tough time.

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