My Daughter

[Cynay]

Boy.....

This is one of the hardest things I have ever done.... Brief history.

My daughter is 17, We went on a trip to Italy in early August and 3 weeks later she decided that we have no relationship and she can not live with me...

So she moved in with her Aunt and Uncle.... no suprise there, they have been trying for this since she was born. They can provide much better for her then I can as well. Here is the issue.

I have raised this child since birth with little to no help. I have fought my ex-husbands family all the time where she is concerned.... stupid stuff like them wanting to call the police on me when I decided to let her stay home alone after school at 11/12 (mind you neighbor kept an eye out too) Her Father telling me if I cant afford her give him custody cuz he will not pay support, he is always broke..... Well.

I tried to get her to do theraphy and the one time we went she told me she feels she has basically raised herself and wants to be treated as an adult... Does not want to be parented by me. Since early Sept she has been quite the little poop where Im concerned. She does not call unless she wants something and did not even leave me a message at Thanksgiving. She did call and said her plan for Christmas is to spend the day visiting everyone ending up at my house.... she asked if that was ok and I was thrilled that she would spend the rest of the day with me..... she asked if that would be ok, I said of course.... then she told me that she is planing to fly out to see her father at 5:30 and would I take her to the airport.... we have been this route before... she will spend enough time to open a present and then leave. I know that the reason I will see her at all is because no one else would intrupt there Christmas celebrations to take her to the airport.

I had a credit with the airlines for her from a previous flight she did not use... so I get a call today from her father saying he will mail me the difference and to buy the ticket asap.... He would not overnight the check and I reminded him that the bank could hold it.... his response "cant you cover the check till it clears" NO, I can not afford to (not to mention I dont trust it being good) Now this is the man that is on the verge of bankruptcy *sighs* again for the 100 time and cant pay Childsupport. The he begins to talk to me about her college education. About how "we" are going to pay for it. When it became a "we" I would like to know since he has done nothing for 17 years.... I told him that "I" do not plan to do anything.... She has choosen to not have a relationship with me, treat me rudely and Im tired of being the bank. I explained there are alot of options for her... and some she is not even applying for. (I really can not afford it either) His response...."guess I will have to take the heat for this" OMG.... since when has he been the "bank"

I have working on all of this with my Theripsit, sponsor, other Al-anon friends and I have set my boundries ... she refuses to comply to the boundries and wants to be treated as an adult..... So Im respecting her feelings and letting her be an adult.

Man this is SO hard.... I know its part of her growing up, but its hard to see all this ... almost as hard as this new relationship she and I have. We use to be really close.... I struggle with her giving to everyone else and acting like Im not worth her time till she wants something.... Ugggg sometimes parenting just sucks.

[cmc]

{{{{{Cynay}}}}}

"she refuses to comply to the boundries and wants to be treated as an adult..... So Im respecting her feelings and letting her be an adult."

Cynay,
She is almost an adult but it sounds like she wants the benefits without paying the price. I think you are on the right track with letting her see what life is like as a grown up. Consequences can be a great teacher!
I'm so sorry she has been so ungrateful and distant with you. My hope is that someday soon she will learn to appreciate all you have done for her and also realize how much you really have proved your love and concern for her best interests.

hugs,
cmc

[steady14]

Cynay: I'm sorry that your are getting treated so poorly and disrespectufully by your daughter.

I agree with cmc. You sometimes have to let them stub their toes in order to learn life lessons the hard way. Alhtough she is not yet an adult she will be 18 soon I suspect. If she insists on living with her Aunt and Uncle who wanted her since she was born, why wouldn't they take care of her needs?

I have the similar situation developing with my 14 year old daughter. She has always got ggod grades and was loving and obedient, that has all changed recently. Likely a fallout of my W's addictions, recent affairs, and major tension in the home.

I would not trust her father to follow through on his plan to pay you for the ticket. He needs to meet your terms given his track record and your lack of trust with him. Giving for the sake of giving because that's what you want to do is one thing. Protecting yourself from being taken advantage of is another. As long as you understand the difference and your motivation, you will know what to do.

Good luck, somethimes parenting being a spouse of an addict sucks.

[BigSis]

You know, Cynay, when I discovered my kids were in active addiction, one of the MOST difficult parts was separating the normal "teen rebellion" - that is just as normal and identifiable as the "terrible twos" - to recognize what was teen rebellion and what was using behavior.

Turns out, it doesn't matter so much - both require the same sort of boundaries.

I see you setting some, and my heart goes out to you. I am pleased you are staying open to a relationship, though the way it looks is changing. Those communication lines are the ones she will use when she is done being stupid... and for my kids, that seemed to hit at about age 20 1/2...

Can you hang on for three more years? Yeah... I bet you can. And it sounds like daddy might be feeling much the same as you - his fear coming out as anger directed your way. He is probably as flummoxed and uncertain of what next step to take.

My meetings got me through, as well as seeking out moms who 1. had kids who rebelled and 2. were beyond this point with at least one of them - their perspective that things will work out helped me very much.

And I stayed away from parents of kids who were straight-line successful because I couldn't trust myself to not express jealousy and envy. In the long run, I think my kids are developing some awesome character and depth.... but damn, what a rough road it's been!

(((Cynay))))

[Cynay]

Thanks you guys......

Boy do I need to hear that.....

I do count my blessings... she is an amazing person. She is just horrible to me today and for some reason she accepts other people but can not accept me. It does not seem to matter what I do she has an issue with it. Some of the things that come out of her mouth are so disrespectful and you would think this child and I had spent the last 17 years in different homes ... her perspective is SO different then mine is.

She does however rip my heart out. Her Father is untrustworthy..... and he has always been a missing element in her life, but she would rather spend a week with him for Christmas then time with me.... that one hurts.

Dont get me wrong, Im not the June Cleaver of mothers... and I have many mistakes and some huge ones. I have not provided her the perfect home or family and but I can say I have always done my best where she is concerned and I have always been there for her. She has never been homeless or gone hungry and I have never layed a hand on her..... OMG maybe that is the problem, I should have spanked her !!!!!

Ugggg hindsight is 20/20.

[Astro]

Cynay,

One thing I was reminded constantly in early sobriety and now live by with respect to parenting is this simple fact:

Our responsibility as parents is to care for our children no matter what. We feed them, clothe them, nurture them, provide them with a home, educate them, pay their expenses, etc., whatever it takes to raise them into adulthood. We brought them into this world, and until they're old enough to be on their own we're responsible for everything in their lives.

Another fact: Girls love their Dads, boys love their Moms. God knows there are times when I wish my son didn't like his Mom so much since I consider her the evil &^%$# from Hell, but I'm so grateful that he's a loving person, and that he's so close to the woman that I once loved. My little daughter writes me notes almost every day, and still likes to hold my hand. For that I feel so blessed.

Like BigSis said, when she is done being stupid she'll realize all that you've done to bring her to where she is now. In a few years she'll come around. My two brothers and I went through that same phase, and now our Dad is someone we admire and respect for the effort he put into us in spite of the Hell we put him and our Mom through. I know for a fact that I wouldn't be the person I am now without his constant support.

You know you're not alone in these feelings. In 5-6 years my kids will be that age and I'll be going through these same issues. Maybe my son will hate me and love his stepdad, and my daughter will probably hang out with her friends rather than holding hands with her Dad, but I'll have the memories of their younger years to carry me through those difficult times, and maybe be able to look forward to a time when they'll need the support and wisdom of their old man in their lives again.

Scott

[Teggie]

Cynay, many hugs to you!!

I know so much of what your going through, feeling your heart ripped out and feeling defenseless.

I am going through some of the same with my 15 year old. Her father and I divorced when she was 8. Her, her sister and I moved to another town and started a new life, a year later I married my current hubby and we have a son.

From the time she was 8 till she was 12 she saw very little of her father, he was very bitter over the divorce and he & my hubby don't like each other much at all. But they were always civil to each other. Monthes would go by without even a phone call and his visits with the girls very sporadic. I got a puny lil 180 dollars a month from him but not anything else. My hubby is the one who took her to school, picked her up, cared for her when she was sick and I had to work and did things with her.

We never had much money but we were'nt in the poor house. We always had food, school clothes, softball stuff all those things you have when you have kids.

When she was 12 she had a lil boyfriend who she was "in love with" shortly after her discovering this "love of her life" my hubby and I split up for 6 wks due to his drinking. I left with the kids and came back to my hometown, and after dragging myself out of the massive pit I was in found a house to rent, got an old car running, worked my arse off and set out to make a life.

Her dad started coming around then, thinking I was through with my marriage and hinting at us reconciling. I did not encourage it at all, made it very clear I was not seeking any sort of relationship at all. Meanwhile I was battling her wanting to go see her old bf now 60 miles away. When my hubby and I decided to try to work things out the s&%# hit the fan, the ex was livid and pissed as hell.

Shortly after the reconciliation my oldest did a 360. Now she hated her stepdad, hated our rules, hated us for not driving her to see her bf and started seeing her father alot, telling him all, talking him into taking her to see her bf and then decided she wanted to live with him. Being the ex was already pissed at me he decided to sue me for custody after I told the oldest no, I did not want her living with her dad. Alot can be said but I think he was out to make me miserable. And he did. After a ugly court battle she got her wish since she told the judge she wanted to live with her dad. Ironically the next time she got her dad to take her to see the bf she found the bf with another girl.

So now she lives with her dad, they live with his sister, her hubby and a same age cousin. Her dad is gone alot, working, running with pals or just dissapears for a day or two with no contact. I guess he figures since he lives with his sister it's ok. In the meantime I see her every other weekend, talk to her frequently and continue to help support her with school clothes etc. The ex hardly has anything to do with his younger daughter and never calls her or picks her up. Our problem now is the relationship with the 19 yr old boy that shes hid from me and when I found out I wrote her dad a letter. So now shes angry as hell at me, will barely talk to me and acts like I'm the worst mom around.

I guess in my very long winded way I am saying that nothing in the past matters to the teen. They only see what they want today and who can give it. I want to say shes basically a good kid, has been doing better in school and is very sweet till you cross her. Cross a teen and look out, you'll end up with mud on your face.

I can only say that maybye this self centered phase will eventually be outgrown, that maybye someday she'll say "Hey mom, thanks for looking out for me" like I told my mom after I was old enough to see what a self centered lil poop I was as a teen.

Until then, you hold your breath and pray for the best. Keep your boundries up, don't give in on doing what you know is right. They have many pals, they need parants to guide them. I am determined to stay as much a part of her life as I can, whether she cares for it or not.

I sense a kindred spirit with you, a fellow sister in battle. I wish us both much peace, serenity and wisdom to continue on our paths that we feel is right.

Many hugs,
Teggie

[Cynay]

you guys are great.... I think we need to start a 12 step meeting for parenting.... ggeezzz

I lost it with her yesterday though.

Saturday was her winter formal dance, I was good and did not call her or force the relationship.... but I guess I expected that she would call and come by ... needless to say she did not. So Sunday she texted me to see if I had gotten the check from her father for her airline ticket. I told her no and asked how the dance was.... she said good, but she is tired. Another words she does not want to talk to me and I lost it sending back a text saying ok, but Im getting really tired of her treating me like crap.... I did stop before I suggested she find someone else to take her to the airport on Christmas thank God.... but Im just getting so ticked off with her.

You know ... part of me does want to tell her no contact unless she wants to work on a relationship with me and can treat me nicer.... everytime she does this is like twisting the knife she put in my back.... then the other side of me keeps telling me to be mature, patience and that this is normal.... to just wait it out.

Im glad Im not the only hated parent out there.

[Astro]

I don't think you're hated at all, but I do think that sometimes kids forget how to express their feelings in a loving and respectful manner, instead choosing to lash out against the people who care for them most.

It broke my heart my when my son decided he didn't want me to walk him to class anymore, and when it wasn't cool to hold his hand. That boy is 11 years old, and now it warms my heart when I wake up in the middle of the night to find him standing next to my bed, wanting to spend the rest of the night there. He won't tell me if anything is wrong, but I think he needs something to make him feel secure.

[Cynay]

That is one of my problems with all of this.

She has not forgotten how to express her feelings in a loving and respectful manner.... she does it with everyone else all the time. I see it, its just me (right now) that she has issues with....

I have to admit though.... if I keep remembering the little girl that I raised up to the age of 13 she does warm my heart. Amazing that a person can love this much. Good thing I do too cuz I have thought of that old saying.... I brought you into this world and I can take you out of it.

[Astro]

Originally Posted by Cynay

Good thing I do too cuz I have thought of that old saying.... I brought you into this world and I can take you out of it.

Oh, LOL!! I had that thought a few times with regards to my son this weekend. Then my custody time was up and he was off to his Mom's, and I missed him so much it ached.

I remember times when my Dad was so pissed at me that he'd tear doors off the hinges in our house to get at me. 20 years passed, and we became drinking buddies and best friends. I've since stopped drinking, but he's still my best friend, and I know that I can count on him for anything. Funny thing is, he was always there for me, but for a long time I lost sight of his support. We all come around sooner or later.