Terribly confused

[iliveforyou]

Hi. I don't usually frequent this forum but I am having an inner battle that is causing a lot confusion. I suffer from many chronic pain conditions that already limit and diminish my mobility at 28. I'm looking at assisted walking (walker, cane) by the time I'm 35, if I am lucky 40. I am on heavy painkillers, without them I can barely move.

I've stopped abusing them last month and when I saw the dr. next, I handed over ALL of my pills to my husband. He's angry, hurt and p*ssed that I was abusing the medication.

My question is this - How can I be clean if I am still on them? I am not abusing them but am I clean because I am not???

I feel akward and very hesitant to call myself clean.

But I also cannot control the fact that I've been dealt a sh*t hand physically.
It's devestating on my life and I hate being 28 and my body is rapidly deterioating. I am terrified of what my future holds in 5 years if I am this screwed up already. Rant over. But seriously would like opinions of the questions:

Can I call myself clean???

-Jess

[Dee74]

I deal with chronic pain as well Jess, although I've never misused my meds (I'm still on prescribed but OTC meds usually)

I'm not very much into what someone else thinks about my recovery. If the meds I'm taking help me to maintain a decent quality of life, and I know I'm not misusing them - then my conscience is clear and my recovery is good.

Noone should have to suffer because of an addictive past.

We often do have to go an extra mile tho. If the meds you're on are ones you've had trouble with, I do encourage you to look around at other pain relief options that may available to you.

I was convinced I would be using a scooter by now...but instead I've regained a great deal of mobility thanks to a gentle but persistent exercise programme.

Obviously that may not be the way forward for you and your particular ailments, but the idea is a good one I think - there are often non-narcotic avenues open to us, if we're open to looking for them

take care

D

[underoath]

IF it keeps you from self medicating and helps your quality of life then who cares what other people think just be cautious and honest about how you take them... I can't speak from personal experience, but my sponsor has related issues with pain

[Latte]

If you are taking the medication as directed by the doctor while that doctor is aware of your problems, then you are still clean. That is just the opinion of this addict.

I personally go to the doctor for medical treatment and AA/NA for my treatment for addiction and only mix the two if totally necessary (ie. preparing for surgery-new Dr., etc.).

[iliveforyou]

Thanks everyone for your responses. Just a really confusing thing for me. I deep down believe that I am clean as I have not misused this medication I am on since I had gotten out of the hospital and relapse that followed. Granted having my husband hold them is a great help.

-Jess

[violetfemme23]

Hi Jess!

I'm a 28 year old woman with rapidly diminishing mobility as well. Do what you need to do! I gave up my meds because I thought I was abusing them, and now i'm suffering greatly while looking for something else & wondering if I did the right thing.

If you need these meds just keep your doctor in the loop of your dosing. There's a big difference between physically dependent and "addicted."

[IvanKatz]

Latte,
Totally off topic here... I spent 4 years in Humboldt bay and trained in coos bay back in 88-92. Our 44's were the 44396 & 44378... Funny I remember my old boat #'s after 20 years but not what I had for lunch yesterday - huh?