New kid-just want to feel OK again!

[SisHopeful]

Hello all,

Thanks for reading my post. I am new here. I was SO glad to find this message board and this particular subject!

Mods-I did what I could not to be too specific-but I may have failed. I was not quite sure how to explain. I tried to tailor it accordingly. My apologies if you need to moderate and thanks!

My story:
This story starts out about 6+years ago now.
I was super-morbidly obese for decades. I am in my mid-40’s now. I had weight loss surgery and lost over 200 lbs. Prior to the surgery I had (no surprise!) some severe knee and hip joint pain. This was looked at and turned out to be some deterioration (arthritis)-bone on bone stuff.

My general doctor gave me an opiate as other drugs were not helping-especially with the late night gnawing pain. I took it as prescribed. When it got to where it didn’t seem to work-I told my doctor and he gave me a stronger dose. That was OK. Although I really DID enjoy the euphoria and being nearly 400 lbs I was so HAPPY to have those moments of NOT being in physical OR emotional pain.

Then came my weight loss surgery. My surgery is that of malabsorbtion. It means my insides were bypassed and do not assimilate what I take in-in the same way any longer.

About a month or two after my WLS surgery-I told my doctor the meds were not helping much at all. He was concerned-as was I-because I was on Norco by then and we decided I should go to a pain management doctor.

I went to the PM doctor and he titrated me from many opiates a day to 37 mcg of transdermal patches a day-plus 2 opiates for breakthrough pain.
This worked amazingly well! I was able to exercise and move and really not have to worry about the debilitating pain! However-----I started doing things with my tablets..like saving some for when I was going to be in a stressful situation-which for me would be anything social or work stress wise.

I would tough out the break through pain and break my pills in half and save them for stress. Never did I ask for MORE-I just manipulated what I had.
I did this for 4 years-plus the previous time I was on the meds.
I then moved to the UK. I was put on similar meds-same patch dosage. I did the very same thing. I was given 3 per day for breakthrough pain. I saved or shifted the doses for any tough situations.

Tough situation means feeling really insecure, low self esteem, fear, nerves.

I recently had a fall down the stairs-14 steep stairs! I hurt my tailbone and my left shoulder badly. I went to emergency and you may have guessed “nothing we can do-you are already on SO much medication!”

I have always been unhappy with the way I was using my drugs-I am SUPER aware of that part-but I did it anyway. At this point-I decided to go to my gp and ask her what I could do. I told her I wanted OFF the opiate tablets and to just stay on the patch. She upped my transdermal to 50mcg a day. BAD IDEA!!

After the tablets ran out-I started on the 50 patches. I got SO sick and out of it! First I was in withdrawal-then I was overly drugged. I could NOT get used to it and I felt bleaker than I had EVER felt in my life. I barely remember those two weeks.

Finally-I decided “I want OFF these meds!! ALL OF THEM!” I researched online about suboxone or subutex-and decided to pull of my transdermal patches and see the doctor. I told her that I wanted to go on one of these and OFF the patches. She didn’t like that idea. Instead-she said she wanted me to go on patches that contain a very small amount of the same medication in Subutex. This is called “Transtec” and has been used in the UK and Australia for years for pain. I knew that the med itself was used to stop the cravings and decided to go with it. Doctor knows about my joint issues and was not OK with me totally stopping pain meds.

So-I went home with my new patch and a few breakthrough tabs (just enough until the patch kicked in). She had titrated me wrong!! In the next day (weekend)-I started to go into withdrawals again. Had she had done the titration right it would have been from 37mcg to 52.5 mcg of Bupe. She had me on 6!!!!!

Scary-I know. I had to GO back online and do my OWN research and get the proper titration table. I printed it-gave all links and information and sent it to her. She corrected the patches-gave me another round of 20 tablets and off I went. That was over two weeks ago. The tablets (opiates) were gone in a couple of days-so I have been off them nearly 2 weeks too.

So-what’s my problem? OMG!! I miss the pills. I miss not having a way to GET AWAY!

I know this is really long all-and I hate that it is! I know if you read this far-you RULE the school! LOL!

I want to feel OK again. I have this mental CRAVING for the tablets-even though “technically” speaking the cravings are done and not really ‘here’ with me any longer.

I have a therapist and I have things I need to deal with. “Something” happened to me when I was VERY young and I have just sort of stuffed it away. And when I say stuff I mean nearly 400 lbs worth of stuff.

So now-I have no pills. I have no binging (not with my surgery). I AM still addicted to food and drugs. It doesn’t matter if I have any available or actively use them-the addiction is HERE. I know that.

My body now is a basically “average” (whatever that is!) size. But my mind is still clicking away!

But right now I am scared. I am scared I will never feel “normal”-I will always be uncomfortable in my skin. Big skin or thin skin-just not comfy.
I have never abused my patches and am currently using the new patches-which really DO help quite a bit with the pain. They PHSYCIAL pain that is.

I wanted to come here and make some new friends. I have not really shared this with anyone except hubby and shrink. I need a place to be right now.
Can any of you relate? Can you share your story as well-or point me to the threads that would be helpful? I am here to participate as well. I have been in and out of 12 step programs for decades. Mostly OA-sometimes AA when there were not OA meetings-since it’s the same steps.
Gosh-I have to stop typing now-because it’s SOOO long!!

Thank you so very much for reading this and thanks for this message board!
Peace

[DesertEyes]

Hello SisHopeful, and pleased to "meet" you

Originally Posted by SisHopeful

.... My story:
This story starts out about 6+years ago now.
I was super-morbidly obese for decades.....

If you take a little time to browse thru the other forums within this website you will see that the _details_ of our stories are different, but the general pattern is the same. Most of us "self medicated" with chemicals in response to the stress of life, childhood trauma, medical issues, etc. And yes, food is just another chemical that can be used and abused.

Originally Posted by SisHopeful

.... want to feel OK again....

You can. There are millions of people all over the world that have overcome addictions, and there are a wide variety of recovery programs for that purpose.

Originally Posted by SisHopeful

.... I have this mental CRAVING for the tablets....

Well sure. You have stopped using food and pain pills to deal with those internal fears and issues, but you have not _replaced_ them with something healthy.

Originally Posted by SisHopeful

.... But my mind is still clicking away!....

Exactly right. That's what recovery programs are all about, they help you replace the addiction with something positive and healthy.

Originally Posted by SisHopeful

.... .But right now I am scared. I am scared I will never feel “normal”...

I understand. We all go thru those fears. Take a little time to read thru the posts here, you'll see that people's lives get better, that they loose the fears and learn how to exist in the world in a healthy positive manner.

Originally Posted by SisHopeful

.... point me to the threads that would be helpful?....

Besides the threads in this forum check out these other forums "next door", see if anything there is helpful to you.

Narcotics Addiction-12 Step Support - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Eating Disorders - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Originally Posted by SisHopeful

.... I have been in and out of 12 step programs for decades.....

well..... you know..... from what you wrote in your post it sounds to me like you have not been succesful in having the life you want for those decades. Have you considered that maybe if you stopped going in and out of programs and instead gave a program your full dedication maybe you'd have better results?

I'm not trying to be pushy, so forgive me if I come across that way. It just seems like an approach you have not tried. 12 step programs work very well for a lot of people, but like any other program they only work for you as much as you are willing to do the work.

Originally Posted by SisHopeful

.... Thank you so very much for reading this and thanks for this message board!....

no worries, I'm glad you decided to join us. Welcome again.

Mike

[Freedom1990]

Hi Sis, and welcome to SR!

Gosh, when Mike beats me to the punch with the first response, I'm left kind of scratching my head because I'm not sure what I can add to all the good stuff he has already said!

I don't ever remember being comfortable in my own skin, even as a small child.

I always felt like I was on the outside looking in, or I was an imposter, or something!

I did a lot of opiates in my early 20's, and of course rationalized it was okay because they were prescribed after all!

What I didn't realize at the time was I was medicating all those crappy feelings like fear, self-loathing, and insecurity.

Whether we abuse narcotics, overeat, abuse alcohol, get addicted to sex, etc., I believe we have a disease of the emotions. We are in dis-ease.

12 step programs have saved my life. I have learned to be comfortable in my own skin.

I too see a therapist, and have off and on over the years when I have needed the extra support in addition to 12 step recovery.

You talked about still having the craving? In The Doctor's Opinion in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, it says:

"Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a period of time differentiate the true from the false. To them, their alcoholic life sees the only normal one. They are restless, irritable, and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort that comes at once by taking a few drinks..."
(Quotes from Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous 1st edition)

I don't know about you, but I can substitute food or pills or a myriad of other things in place of the word 'alcohol' in that passage, and it still rings true for me.

My dis-ease is threefold-physical, emotionall, and spiritual. I have been able to address all three areas through 12 step participation on a consistent and long-term basis.

I am so glad you found us, and I know what it's like to not have anyone to talk to about such things. I tried so hard to hide it for years.

I hope you continue to post, and know you are among friends.

[SisHopeful]

Hello Mike and a very kind thank you!

You know-I was reading this when I woke this morning and I had to laugh (and cry too!).

The last thing my therapist said before I left the USA (last year to go to England) was "SisHopeful-I know you don't want to go to meetings right now and are scared to go to new meetings in England-but-promise me one thing...if you get lost, if you get scared, the first thing you will do is FIND a meeting"

She was a true believer in the program and I must fess up and say that she often mentioned the program as something I might want to consider just going INTO and not OUT of!

Anyway-I will not ramble on. Thank you for your experience and thanks for the HOPE too. I needed that. It's sort of the cold water splash on the face I needed. Funny how quickly I tend to 'go back to sleep" if I don't stay aware of the fact that I am an addict (of many sorts).

I have gone and read more threads-and saved many others to read as well. I am going online to see where the meetings are going on in this town.

I have run out of addictions to trade-if you know what I mean? I seem to have lost my luxury of running from one hiding spot to another. The hiding spots are getting too little for me.

Thanks again and hope to "see you around"

Peace,

Originally Posted by DesertEyes

Hello SisHopeful, and pleased to "meet" you



If you take a little time to browse thru the other forums within this website you will see that the _details_ of our stories are different, but the general pattern is the same. Most of us "self medicated" with chemicals in response to the stress of life, childhood trauma, medical issues, etc. And yes, food is just another chemical that can be used and abused.



You can. There are millions of people all over the world that have overcome addictions, and there are a wide variety of recovery programs for that purpose.



Well sure. You have stopped using food and pain pills to deal with those internal fears and issues, but you have not _replaced_ them with something healthy.



Exactly right. That's what recovery programs are all about, they help you replace the addiction with something positive and healthy.



I understand. We all go thru those fears. Take a little time to read thru the posts here, you'll see that people's lives get better, that they loose the fears and learn how to exist in the world in a healthy positive manner.



Besides the threads in this forum check out these other forums "next door", see if anything there is helpful to you.

Narcotics Addiction-12 Step Support - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Eating Disorders - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information



well..... you know..... from what you wrote in your post it sounds to me like you have not been succesful in having the life you want for those decades. Have you considered that maybe if you stopped going in and out of programs and instead gave a program your full dedication maybe you'd have better results?

I'm not trying to be pushy, so forgive me if I come across that way. It just seems like an approach you have not tried. 12 step programs work very well for a lot of people, but like any other program they only work for you as much as you are willing to do the work.



no worries, I'm glad you decided to join us. Welcome again.

Mike

[SisHopeful]

Hi Freedom and thanks so much!

So-I was reading your reply and BURST into tears. You-of course, hit the nail on the head. Not comfy in my own skin. Never have been.

And the Doctor's opinion? I started reading it and realized I recalled MOST of the words from my days going to meetings. It's like "DUH"! What might be missing in my life.

Why do we get this weird amnesia. I forgot so quickly what I NEED to do to stay OK and clean/sober/abstinent (etc on and on!).

Thanks for giving of your time to me. Thanks to you both for reading that HUGE ramble! LOL! It means SO much to me.

You know-I am like that starfish in that story..you have probably heard it a million times..

A man was walking along the beach at sunrise and saw a little boy running along the shore. He got a bit closer to see the little boy desperately trying to throw Starfish back into the water before they dried out.

The man said to the boy "What are you doing?? There are far too many Starfish on this shore! You won't be able to save them all. It won't even matter!"

The boy looked up to the man with a Starfish in his hand-he looked at the Starfish and at the man and flung the Starfish back into the water-and as he walked off to continue his job-he said "It mattered to that one!"


Thanks for throwing me back in the water! LOL
Peace,

Originally Posted by Freedom1990

Hi Sis, and welcome to SR!

Gosh, when Mike beats me to the punch with the first response, I'm left kind of scratching my head because I'm not sure what I can add to all the good stuff he has already said!

I don't ever remember being comfortable in my own skin, even as a small child.

I always felt like I was on the outside looking in, or I was an imposter, or something!

I did a lot of opiates in my early 20's, and of course rationalized it was okay because they were prescribed after all!

What I didn't realize at the time was I was medicating all those crappy feelings like fear, self-loathing, and insecurity.

Whether we abuse narcotics, overeat, abuse alcohol, get addicted to sex, etc., I believe we have a disease of the emotions. We are in dis-ease.

12 step programs have saved my life. I have learned to be comfortable in my own skin.

I too see a therapist, and have off and on over the years when I have needed the extra support in addition to 12 step recovery.

You talked about still having the craving? In The Doctor's Opinion in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, it says:

"Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a period of time differentiate the true from the false. To them, their alcoholic life sees the only normal one. They are restless, irritable, and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort that comes at once by taking a few drinks..."
(Quotes from Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous 1st edition)

I don't know about you, but I can substitute food or pills or a myriad of other things in place of the word 'alcohol' in that passage, and it still rings true for me.

My dis-ease is threefold-physical, emotionall, and spiritual. I have been able to address all three areas through 12 step participation on a consistent and long-term basis.

I am so glad you found us, and I know what it's like to not have anyone to talk to about such things. I tried so hard to hide it for years.

I hope you continue to post, and know you are among friends.

[Freedom1990]

The beauty of recovery is you will get to a point where you are comfortable in your own skin.

I never dreamed that was possible, but I kept doing the things that were suggested I do, and I don't know when exactly it happened, but it happened!

I know what it's like to get off track and end up mired in the muck again. After 4 years clean/sober, I drank and used again.

That discomfort that I had in my own skin prior to recovery the first time around was a thousand times worse when I relapsed. The mental anguish in between binges was horrible, and I would burst into tears without warning. I had a horrible fear that I couldn't put my finger on.

Thank God I was only out there for two months before I drug my carcass back up the steps to my home AA group.

I've stuck with it ever since, and that was August 5, 1990. I've also actively worked on my codependency issues the past 11 years.

You talk about running out of addictions to trade, and I can definitely relate to that!

I'm so glad that you found us, and that you feel some hope!