Fired and Free

[Weeza]

I've shared in other threads about my health battle with Fibromyaglia and how this disabling pain condition is confirmed by four doctors. My new rheumatologist said the other day that I need to be on an analgesic without NSAIDs in order for my body to heal, so when I phoned my sponsor of 18 years to tell her about these doctor's orders, she fired me even though the medication is a non-narcotic.

I had already done what my sponsor requested, going to 90 meetings in 90 days, identifying myself as a newcomer and taking chips every day for two weeks. It was degrading to go from 18 years sobriety to being a newcomer, but this was what I had to do to keep my sponsor she said I slipped on pain medication the moment I ever agreed to take any.

In all honesty, I've not picked up a drink in 18 years nor have gotten high from any pain medication. For some three years I've taken various pain medications AS PRESCRIBED, and such meds were prescribed because of numerous surgeries, but I was good about keeping a written log by a clock and informing another sober member about the medication. My sponsor was aware of two major surgeries but didn't bother to check in on me... So after I noticed she wasn't that into touching base because she sponsors a dozen other women and is busy with work, I did not continue to tell her about subsequent surgeries, yet I forwarded updates through the Internet mentioning details of one doctor telling me that I had two months to live so he prescribed Methadone, and somehow she missed that.... And then she missed how I had gotten off that stuff cold turkey three weeks later and was struggling from pain so trying all kinds of other therapies that don't involve medication-- like Reiki, acupuncture, cupping, chiropractor visits. She also missed an important message about a trauma I survived. Yet, I would get the invitations to attend her baby meetings at her home, so did my best to attend but the two hour drive each way was hard on my body.

At any rate, I am not a superhuman who can tolerate pain but did try going without medication for months on end until a doctor suggested medical cannabis for Fibromyalgia and IBS relief... Before agreeing to try, I spoke with my husband who has about 25 years in AA and NA, and he fully supported me in taking up the script. The dose was very minimal, either 2 puffs when pain or IBS flared, yet it did not have an analgesic affect so my hips and legs remained in pain, making it difficult to walk, but at least it was better than the bad side effects Methadone had on me for the 3 weeks I took it... And before anyone gets to judging me about that "choice," my pain management doctor and general physician told me I "had no choice" because it was likely that I would die in two month's time, so to give my body a chance to repair and heal, the medication was necessary to save my life.

I can't even begin to describe the weight of guilt I carried with me for not staying on top of phoning my sponsor, or so it seemed... I mean, I did inform her of this death sentence but she told me to come to her baby meeting anyways and would tell me to bump up my meeting attendance and phone her, not asking me if I had been prescribed pain medication although I would CC her electronic journals of my medication use and would call but she would not pick up the phone or return my voice messages. Apparently she was distracted by her work load so missed my attempts to keep her informed, but somehow this was my fault because I was not persistent enough. Yet I don't know how much more I could have persisted with the disappointed feelings I got from talking to an inbox that was never answered....

Wow, just in writing this much out, I can see my part and how I did try and did try not to be sneaky about anything, yet because of the recent reaction when I finally got to her two weeks ago and told her the whole thing over the phone, she then changed my sobriety time from 18 years to Day One, telling me to find another doctor for a fifth opinion, go to meetings and say I was new, etc...

So after doing all that my sponsor asked me to do, going to meetings every day, taking chips, phoning her every day, get reevaluated by a new doctor, by the time I got to Day Twelve of going without pain medication (the light dose of medical cannabis), when I was confirmed by a rheumatologist to have Fibromylagia and scripted Ultrum, a non-narcotic, the lowest dose of analgesic my body can take, rejecting the other medications she wanted to prescribe which were an anti-depressant, anti-convulsant and sleeping aid, I checked things out with the pharmacist, informed my sober husband, shared about it in NA meeting, and made a call and email to my sponsor. She did not reply.

So I persisted this time and finally got her live on the phone, telling her about everything and pointed out my email to which she read over the phone for the first time a day later, then she said she could not support me in taking this new medication because I would soon die from an overdose. Thereafter, other friends of our group told me the same thing over phone and email. I felt bombarded, shamed and shunned. So in trying to be a good sober member and follow direction from my former sponsor to not take the medication for a day, my body just returned to chronic pain.

The Big Book clearly states that we're not doctors, that we should take direction from our doctors when it's advised, and that we should not offer medical advice if we're not doctors. But even though this is sane direction, I've been so wracked with guilty feelings and it's hurtful to be told that I'm not sober to a point I feel mobbed and ostracized by my sponsor and homegroup. Yet, I must admit to feeling a sigh of relief from being free from this entrapment of something resembling peer pressure to conform to what a group of drunks are doing by taking my inventory and telling me I'm not working the program... Obviously I am because I've not taken a drink or have gotten high even though my little alcoholic head said on the second day of being a 'newcomer', "you might as well have a glass of grand marnier since you've already slipped," but I didn't want to give my sponsor the satisfaction of proving me wrong.

At any rate, I'm now free from feeling badgered and will work on reclaiming my 18 years... It will be bizarre to return to my friendly NA meetings and share with everyone how I'm 'not a newcomer after all' but I will wait on that action until I find a new sponsor, run everything by her, and have her be with me as I take that rightly earned 18 year cake.

I appreciate my (former) sponsor's fear because we've lost friends to relapsing on pain medications resulting in fatal overdose, but if I can't say this any more clear, I'm completely in love with my son and would never leave him motherless or cause him any suffering by becoming a pillhead or drunk. If anything, the mild analgesic allows my body to at least be able to walk and play a little kickball with him in the front yard and he's missed playing with me in that way...

Sometimes medicine helps us live manageable lives. It's not a be all end all kind of thing. And because I've gone through this terrible ordeal myself, I now have an appreciation for people experiencing medical or emotional / mental health issues to which they do need prescription medications to function and live healthier lives. Up until my 15th year of sobriety, I privately scorned other program members for taking medication, even sharing in meetings the same kind of message passed on to me about how the 2nd Step couldn't be done effectively while under the influence of any medicine, but God do I know differently now and so apologize as a sober member of AA and NA for my passed judgments.

It's a new day, and I'm feeling optimistic about the future.

God bless All,
Weeza

[barb dwyer]

wow.

Well - now you can find different sponsor.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Wezza

It is a slippery slope, so be careful. My wife had 12 years and I believe she started slipping on sleeping medication and antdrepressions when she found her mom dead in her apartment, and a week later learned her father had fatal cancer.

Today she is having a difficult with giving up the drink and the sleeping pills etc. So watch out and be HONEST with all.

On the flip side I have friends who is 25 years sober but only have 7 years without prescription drugs while going thru a divorce. He is my best AA friend to date and is doing great.

Just some stories to add to the list
Merry X-mas
AG

[barb dwyer]

Actually -
I'm totally PSYCHED for you,
being free to find a NEW sponsor-
one that will relate to you,
and one who will understand.

I feel that if you stay innundated
within the Fellowship
you'll be able to take these pain drugs
as perscribed
and be a far more active person
in the recovery community
and the sommunity at large.

I've been taking this particular medication
for three years now
and the only time
I ever ran out 'early'
turned out my
roomate ws taking pills out of my bottle.

I took my pills with me to work
and the problem stopped.

You will find a medication that works for you
and it's gonna be GREAT!

[Weeza]

Hi Always, very sorry to hear about your wife's relapse after the loss of her parents... Anti-depressants and sleeping medication scares me so I don't take them. I've had chronic fatigue syndrome since 1991 and was taking anti-depressants and sleeping meds for the year prior to my getting sober, and that bit of a year experience was enough research for me to know those medications don't work for me in a good way.

Barb, I wanna write you, too, here, but my 7 year old is making pop rock sounds behind my head so this means I need to get off the computer... Oh great, now he's reading what I typed out...

some privacy!

[barb dwyer]

freakin kids, anyway!!