A little advise please

[StuckInBadPlace]

First a little about me.

I am around 30 years old. I have had three knee surgeries that have left me with almost no cartilage left in one of my knees. The pain can be excruciating at times others just irritating as hell.

After my second surgery I had a hard time getting off the opiates. I have quit for as long as a month, but every time I quit the pain comes back. I have tried just about every over the counter pain med you can imagine, with some relief. My concern about OTC pain meds is they all have some pretty bad side effects. But with the opiates I find my self occasionally abusing them and buying them from the street, which of course is VERY EXPENSIVE AND ILLEGAL.

The reason I usually go that route is my current pain management doc gives me a VERY low dose, especially given my history of being on them for a legitimate reason, (cough) and others. When I have the time off of work I have absolutely no problem getting off of them, yea it sucks but I have to taper back down before every appt for fear of a bad UA anyways.

I realize this is quite dishonest, but I just don't know what to do. I have been alright from time to time just cruising along on what I was given but this last time my pain was insufferable so I went through 100+ Percocets in a little over a week. My months supply.

For some reason the withdrawals really haven't been that bad at all this time. I am on my second day and only have a little bit if the runs and painful crawling legs. Not to mention the legitimate pain in my knee coming back.

I have been through withdrawals more times than I can count, and don't want to do it again. It is way too hard on my wife and kids. But at the same time fear that I am on the edge of mental addiction and not just dependence. While in withdrawal however I don't scheme or think about how I can get more. I know I could probably call my doc for an early refill, something I have never done, and get one but I feel like I deserve what I got for running out soon.

My next fear is that my other knee is going to need surgery soon. I know I won't make it through that without an opiate of some kind.

Any advise please, this feels hopeless?

[Sugah]

My best suggestion is to buy a cane, then use it to walk into an NA meeting. Listen, see if you can relate, and if so, you might be an addict.

I live with chronic pain, too, without the aid of opiates. I can't. They'll kill me because no matter what my intentions, I'll abuse them. The mental compulsion to take more and more is in control once they're in my body. Pain management for me is living within the limitations of pain and a willingness to pay the consequences when I overdo it. Addiction treatment is living my life according to the principles of the 12 steps.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[StuckInBadPlace]

Sugah,

Thanks for the reponse. I wouldn't even know where to look not to mention while working two jobs and starting a company, and two kids where I would find the time to make it to a meeting.

I must say I am able to control it once I get to a certain level. Not high, or doped up, nodding out <-- whatever the heck that even means (seen it a couple times on sites that deal with opiate WD). Just minimal pain. My problem seems to be when I am taking too low of a dose to really do anything. Or for that matter not put me in medium withdrawals until my next dose.

Now again, that isn't to say I have never taken an extra one here or there for um, well not exactly the reason it was meant for... but that isn't the norm.

So, here I am day three, other than a very little bit of fatigue and anxiety all of my withdrawal symptoms have subsided. I don't really understand this at all but am VERY gratefull that God has made this so spectacularlly easy for me this time. Now if he could just work some magic on my knees.

I mean it absolutely blows my mind how easy it has been. I wish it was always like this in the past. Has anybody even heard of that? Maybe you go through it so many times you brain get's used to repairing itself?

Unfortunately it is back to excruciating and I am so close to taking some kind of opiate. Not to get high mind you, just to stop hurting so I can work and get to sleep. I have been taking prescription strength Aleve (spelling?) and 4 ibuprofin at a time with no effect, problem is my lower leg bone (too tired to look up the correct word) aches like mad too. Almost like the impact with no cartliage is causing constant concusions to it.

Is it possible for your mind to play tricks on you? Like you feel the pain subconciously so your consious brain will go get some of what it wants???

Will the pain get less once I get maybe one month out. I would have absolutely no problem perservering that long if that is what it took. But I sure as hell don't want to do it for nothing.

Has anybody else gone through a stage where the pain was unbearable and then finally about a month or two out it sudenly got better? Can you tell I am grasping for straws?

[Sugah]

My pain tolerance got better the longer I was off opiates. When I was taking the pills, I didn't stop to assess the level of pain. Why, if I could just pop a pill (or a dozen). When asked by the doctor to rate it, 1-10, I was always assigning a score it the upper regions. These days, the pain I would have rated as a 9 or 10 I now give a 4 or 5, and I can work through pain like that. When I get to a true 9 or 10, I take a break. Perhaps, with your busy schedule, you don't see that as an option.

As for your withdrawal being easy this time -- I don't have an explanation for it, except, well, maybe you're getting a pass this time? My withdrawal seemed to worsen each time I went through it (usually because I ran out, not because I wanted to quit -- only the last time did I seriously consider that I might be better off without it). You might do well to treat it as a gift and take the time now to talk to your doctor about alternatives to opiates.

I couldn't tell you how long it took my pain tolerance to increase. I can tell you it greatly increased at three months after an accident, and I did have to take opiates at that point -- but without relapse. I had a treatment plan in place, a sponsor, meetings, a trusted person to monitor what I took, and in three weeks, I was off of them, never having taken more than I needed or more than was prescribed. The standard course of pain meds for someone with my injury was 6+ weeks. I wasn't willing to give my life back to the pills, so I got off early and toughed it out.

Meetings last between an hour and an hour and a half (NA meetings are more likely than AA meetings to be 90 minutes). In San Diego, you should be able to find them just about anytime between 6am and midnight -- and even if it's just a few times to determine if you belong there, it'd be time well spent. I urge you to consider squeezing it into your schedule.

I'll put in a good word for you in my prayers, and I'm glad to hear you're doing so well after three days.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[kwigers]

Hi Stuckinabadplace,
Your ego, desease, fear or whatever you wish to call it is certainly working overtime for you!
Yes your mind and body and spirit are all connected. You have to have the pain, so you can have a reason to keep the story (whatever that happens to be) going for yourself or life would not make sense to you.
It makes total sense! In your first post you were already looking for the pain and by the second one, you had found it! This is the universe giving you what you want! It is perfection!
What else is going on for you? There are many factors that can be looked at and a part of your pain. Thoughts about what you believe about yourself. Nutrition-lack of or missing things you need, or too many toxins. The drugs you have put in your body all factor in and can cause harm in depleting certain nutriants, or blocking systems in your body from fully functioning.
The addictive part of drugs and alcohol played out in thoughts that appear completely logical, and justified, yet these are how so many millions of us succumb to our addictions, we justified- we listened to our thoughts that in some form or another we NEEDED whatever we were abusing and using. We believed we were not out of control, we thought we were IN CONTROL and every one around us were the nutty ones.
The first place I would start if I were you would be to work with someone who can help me become more aware of the thoughts and beliefs I have in my head, and how to change these. Then and maybe at the same time, I would find someone who can help me figure out how to support my physical needs through nutrition. When your body gets good support your mind will also gain more clarity!
Much love and light to you!~Cheryl

[Latte]

Ask for a referral to a pain clinic. Not all of them are pill mills.

A good pain clinic will help you to manage your pain with a combination of therapies.

My thoughts are with you.

[barb dwyer]

We even have a group of women who meet weekly from the Program who coem together to cope with pain. Maybe something like that exists in your gorup (assuming you have a gorup) and you just haven't heard about it?