5 AM....need to whine.

[namommy]

first, I just typed an entire post about my 5 AM need to whine, and my damn computer shut itself off.

I came on to post that some times of the day seem to be much worse than others and 5 AM seems to be the daddy of them all.

Usually I sit here and cry and feel sorry for myself and I don't want to live this way, but today I can come on and post to vent a little. (I love that my hubby go me this laptop)

I wake up everyday about 5 AM in so much pain I can barely stand it. My hands are shaky, my fingers are stiff and hurt, so I keep making alot of mistakes, but I figure if I get them moving it will help.

I have so much pain in my back I have a hard time breathing and trying to stand up straight and walk is just not happening. I shuffle along all bent over like a little old lady (except I ain't so little)

I figure if I come on here and post while I wait for my pain meds to kick in, it might help keep my mind off of feeling sorry for myself.

Any suggestions, or anyone else who goes through this, please let me know that I am not the only one who has really bad times throughout the day.

Thanks for letting me whine

Laurie

[Freedom1990]

:ghug :ghug

I know how frustrating and debilitating chronic pain can be. I have spinal stenosis and degenerative disc disease. Mornings are the absolute worst as I am very stiff and with a lot of pain when I first get up. I get my coffee made, gulp a couple of aspirin or ibuprofen, and usually feel better within 30-45 minutes.

It's been difficult for me to accept my health issues as I used to work a lot of manual labor jobs that were very physical.

After creating even more problems by working those kinds of jobs after I was diagnosed, I finally accepted it.

I'm glad you posted! :ghug

[kewalo]

Ironic. I too have spinal stenosis and degenerative disc disease. When I went through PT a year ago I was taught that our discs fill up with fluid when we're not moving. Once we get moving the fluid goes away. SO, I would wake up every 2 hours with a herniated disc pressing on my nerve, sending pain thru my right bun, down my leg and into my knee area. Nothing touched it. I tried vicodin from my doctor. Didn't touch the pain. The only thing that brought relief was 8-10 minutes on the treadmill down in the basement at a normal walking pace. So, I've been walking ever since. 3-5 miles a day. Got a new pup and she goes along. I know I'll never get well again, but I also still can windsurf, somewhat, on my light gear. Also, my 1st ESI pain injection worked.(google them) I've had others since. Also, I'm taking neproxin 2 times a day. Would love to be off of that stuff. Long term use of neproxin is no good.

I'm never completely pain free. As an alcoholic, the vicodin left a lasting impression on my brain. It's something I could easily abuse under the "legal prescription" facade. I can see why folks toss them down by the hand full. So, I go to lots of meetings. I don't want a new addiction. When I'm sitting in a meeting, all my present addictions are doing push-ups out in the parking lot!

[namommy]

I have Fibromyalgia, degenerative joint disease, herniated discs in my cervical and lumbar spine, bulging discs in my lumbar spine, spinal degeneration, and some arthritis mostly in my hands. I also have plantars fasciaitis.

I have many other health problems along with the chronic pain stuff. Hep C, Epstein Barr, Lyme Disease, Sleep Apnea, Restless leg syndrome, Insomnia, Depression, Anxiety, Panic Disorder, PTSD.

I have to see a Gastroenterologist for an endoscopy and colonoscopy to find out what my gastrointestinal problems are being caused by as well.

I'm only 46 years old, I'm too young for all of this stuff. It's all backlash from years of using.

Feeling this way at 46 is what gets me so down. Especially since I was so active before all this and I can't do the things I love to do.

I'm slowly finding new hobbies that I've really gotten into that are easy, rewarding, and don't require alot of physical activity. It's just a matter of getting back into a positive attitude and changing the way I do things.

Thanks for being here for support and Thanks SR for starting this forum.

Laurie

[Done_With_It]

Originally Posted by namommy

first, I just typed an entire post about my 5 AM need to whine, and my damn computer shut itself off.

I came on to post that some times of the day seem to be much worse than others and 5 AM seems to be the daddy of them all.

Usually I sit here and cry and feel sorry for myself and I don't want to live this way, but today I can come on and post to vent a little. (I love that my hubby go me this laptop)

I wake up everyday about 5 AM in so much pain I can barely stand it. My hands are shaky, my fingers are stiff and hurt, so I keep making alot of mistakes, but I figure if I get them moving it will help.

I have so much pain in my back I have a hard time breathing and trying to stand up straight and walk is just not happening. I shuffle along all bent over like a little old lady (except I ain't so little)

I figure if I come on here and post while I wait for my pain meds to kick in, it might help keep my mind off of feeling sorry for myself.

Any suggestions, or anyone else who goes through this, please let me know that I am not the only one who has really bad times throughout the day.

Thanks for letting me whine

Laurie

Just wanted to stop in and say Hey girl! Good 2 Cya! Miss ya

[Sugah]

I've got a list similar to yours, too, Laurie, and I know the frustration of scaling back, though I've had a reprieve from the depression issues for the most part since I got sober. I can't take anything for the pain. Oh, I could--but the one time when I had acute pain in recovery (crushed my leg), I couldn't wait to get off the pain pills because I knew if it went on very long, I'd start losing my desire to be clean. No NSAIDs, no narcotics, and over the course of a couple of years when the docs tried some stuff like Lyrica and Neurontin, I finally decided no more chemicals. I've cut out HRT, most refined sugar, eat organic when I can, no meat -- but salt, fried food and carbs are my downfall (and I can feel it when I overdo it).

Mornings are usually the hardest, though if a storm moves in, a flare moves in with it. Or, ironically, when a stretch of bad weather breaks and the sun shines, that usually triggers a flare, too. I'm sure you can relate. The best things I've found to get through the rough patches are prayer and meditation, self-acceptance, moderate exercise (walking even when I don't feel like walking, stretching even when I don't feel like stretching) and keeping my weight down. If I have so much as an extra five pounds to carry around, my pain rises exponentially. So, when I got clean and knew I was going to have to do this thing without narcotics, the first thing I did was get rid of an excess thirty pounds, most of it gained in rehab. It really wasn't that hard. I started eating regular, small meals, cut out junk food and snacking, and began drinking piles of water.

I see my kids bounce around, chase the dog, and my daughter out running on the track, and I find myself yearning to be out there wrestling around with them, or working out with my daughter. I feel a little sad that I can't do those things, but for the most part, I've come to the place where I've accepted that the pain is just part of who I am -- not all of who I am. I can be happy and enjoy family and friends -- or solitude -- whether it's a day I can be up and around or a day I have to pile up the pillows and "be" from my nest.

5am is right around the Dawn Chorus time, so if you open a window then, you've got your own natural symphony outside. Sounds like a good time for communing with your HP!

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[namommy]

We have a beautiful Dawn Chorus around here. One morning we had to get my 11 year old son up early and he said "Mom, are those the birds you were telling dad about,...they sound beautiful" and he just laid on my bed for a few minutes quietly listening. It is one of the nice parts of 5AM.

The weather here has been crazy. It starts out damp and chilly, then gets very hot and humid, we've had thunderstorms every day this past week that get cold and damp again. It makes for a tough day. And the weather report for this area is the same for at least 2 more days, maybe longer.

I get steroid injection in both my cervical and lumbar spine the beginning of July, I am looking forward to some relief.

thanks for the support.

Lauie

[DesertEyes]

Hey Laurie, have a gentle (((( hug )))))

I know those feelings you mentioned, about not being able to be active like everybody else. I used to have a very physical job as a photograher, lotsa travel and hauling stuff all over heck and gone and meeting all kinds of fascinating people.

No more. I can barely handle a desk job in an air-conditioned office. Five days of that and I am _exhausted_. Last nite one of my best friends was putting on a jam session, in Vegas, him and some of the top talent around. I _love_ music, and his guitar work especially.

Couldn't go. Blood pressure was swinging too high, and 30 minutes later swooshing too low. I felt like ***** and just crawled into bed. Tonite my g/f's sponsor was the main speaker at one my fav meets. Couldn't go either. BP sucks, gotta migraine and generally feel awful.

This is _not_ the life I want. Not at all.

Thing is, HP didn't ask me what life I wanted when He decided I wasn't going to die a drunk in a dumpster. That's where I would have ended up on my own. Then there's the matter of my bad heart. It has completely stopped 3 times, and kicked back on to the docs surprise. HP didn't ask me what kind of life I wanted those 3 times either.

What I have is called Cardiovascular Autonomic Neuropathy. The nerves in the center of my body are slowly dying off. That means my heart doesn't pump real well, the lungs don't breathe regularly, stomach doesn't digest. Other organs will start to go eventually, if I live long enough.

My heart hurts all the time. That's called ischemia, a mild type of never-ending heart attack. My stomach is always upset cuz there's undigested food in there. Head always hurts cuz they went digging around in there last year and now they're not sure if maybe I have neuropathy in my brain or it's just leftover from the surgery.

I take 12 meds a day. Miss one and I'm in a world of pain.

Every so often the heart hurts so bad my whole body starts to shake. I get that a couple times a month, like last Thursday. When the docs do blood work they find "cardiac enzymes", which means the heart muscle itself is dying. When the weather changes I get the mother of all migraines. They do blood work and find that I'm full of adrenaline and other stuff that shows the pain is affecting my internal organs.

They rotate me on pain meds, this year it's tramadol. If I don't take it and stop the pain I'll just end up in ER. They take my blood, they freak out and park me ICU for a week or two. One time they kept me a whole month. Doesn't solve anything so I don't go anymore.

Docs have these wonderful charts that show how long a person with my condition will live, based on my blood work and tests and stuff. I'm 4 years overdue. Nobody with my numbers has ever lived for a single day, and I'm still going to meetings. In any case, the longest anybody has ever lived with this is 10yrs. My pump is going to just stop one of these days. Why it didn't today is beyond the docs understanding.

I got 6 more years of hurting to go.

You know. I don't care for that. That just doesn't work for me. I have discovered that there's all kinds of music on the internet. I just downloaded "Tall Dark Handsome Stranger" from Heart. I had no idea that song even existed.

I have discovered that in Vegas there's a lot of young guys and gals trying to get a break in the entertainment biz. And they need good portfolios and pictures. Couple months ago one young-un came by and my g/f and I made her some top of the line pro-level pics. I spent a whole week on that and gave her the same level work I used to give super models back in Hollywood. That poor girl had been trying for _years_ to break into the big time here in Vegas and just couldn't even get an audition.

She took my pics in and got the gig.

Today there were birds singing in the trees between the apartment buildings. There was a beautiful sunset. I've got the stereo cranking with all kinds of wonderful music I now have time to look for on the internet. I have friends that find antique cameras in garage sales and just _give_ them to me as gifts. If they don't stop I'm going to have to open a museum !!!

And I have you guys here on SR who understand what it's like to be in constant pain all day long.

I don't have to carry my camera equipment anymore. I got a whole list of young-uns who offer to do things for me. If I'm too sick to drive I got tons of people want to take me. When I don't show up at meetings they call me to see if I'm ok.

I got 6 more years of a wonderful life filled with good friends, awesome meetings, birds, music, sunsets and maybe even my own camera museum some day And I'm not dying of alzheimers either, or going to wither away all alone in some retirement home. I get to go quikly, while I'm still young and happy and in the fullness of life.

Couldn't ask for a better life than that.

Mike

[namommy]

Mike,

Thank you for that post. I'm trying to find ways to do things that are enjoyable to me, without alot of strenuos activity involved. I can participate in my garden, by starting my plants from seeds in mini=green houses in the house and moving them to planters in the garage and taking them in and out of the house everyday so they get sun during the day, but not exposed to chill or animals at night. Then when they are ready, my husband and son do the heavy work of planting them in the garden. I just place them where I want them planted.

I've gotten back into reading, which I love to do. I found a second hand book store which is great. I buy a bunch of books cheap, when i am done I return them and get store credit to get more books and it keeps the cost down.

I'm trying to be more positive about my life, but somedays when my depression and mental illnesses kick in, it's hard. That is when I turn to God and my prayer books and the bible.

But, I really love what you posted and I love your positive outlook and spirit.


This one goes around the internet alot.


We weren't meant to go to our graves all prim and proper and dressed in our sunday best. We are meant to go sliding in sideways, hooting and hollering, battered, bruised and scarred with a cigarette in one hand and a margaruita in the other shouting "Hey man, what a ride!" - Anonymous

[Alera]

Originally Posted by namommy

Mike,


I've gotten back into reading, which I love to do. I found a second hand book store which is great. I buy a bunch of books cheap, when i am done I return them and get store credit to get more books and it keeps the cost down.

I'm trying to be more positive about my life, but somedays when my depression and mental illnesses kick in, it's hard. That is when I turn to God and my prayer books and the bible.

How are you holding up NAMommy?

I have also gone back into reading. Its one joy my pain can't take away. When I don't feel well enough to read, I am able to listen to audio books on my MP3 player. I get the CD's from the library and been exposed to many books I would never have looked into: from Gordon Ramseys' biography (very interesting and I've only seen one of his shows) to a series on the Civil War.


Somewhere there is a website where you can trade books with other readers who want to trade. All you pay is shipping. Done-With-It has the link IIRC (If I remember correctly).

I also get a lot from my prayer books. My favorites are the Catholic Book of Christian Prayer and the original My Utmost for His Highest. Although not every daily entry in the second book jives with my spiritual beliefs the ones that do really hit home with me. I was exposed to it by the late reporter David Bloom, who was also a Catholic. Of course, I also read my Bible.

What prayer books do you find help you in times of pain?

[namommy]

Alera,

I am not holding up so well the past few weeks. I also have epstein-barr, and my symptoms have come back adding to the pain.

One of my favorite prayer books is "God, I have issues....50 ways to pray no matter how you feel" by Mark E Thibodeaux, s.j. I love the approach he takes in leading you into the topic, and the different suggestions for prayer.

also a favorite, is "The Touch of God" I can't remember who it's by, and it's not right here on my nightstand at the moment.

Another one I keep by my bedside is "When I'm on my knees" Devotional thoughts on prayer for women. by Anita Corrine Donihue.

I also read the United States Catholic Catechism for Adults. I went through RCIA a few years ago, but haven't been able to finish my sacrements because I need to get an annulment from my first husband and I am having a hard time gathering all of the documents because of the cost. Once I get the documents together, my parish priest is going to send a letter of financial need to the Tribunal and if necessary help us with the cost. But, the newer book that I have (mentioned above) is recommended for all catholics to have in their home. I love looking through it and using the prayers that are listed in it.

I have so many books on God, Saints, Angels, Prayer, Catholicism, and anything I can find about God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit, I could probably open a small religious library. For some reason I have a hard time letting go of books. Once I've read them, they mean something to me and I think i will go back and read it again, but I usually don't. Only my Bible and my Prayer books do I re-read.

Of course the rosaries are the best for helping me relax and zone out and away from the pain for while.

I'm sorry, but anything about God and being Catholic justs gets me so excited. It's big part of my life.

I didn't realize you were Catholic, but now that I think about it, you may have sent me a PM about it a while back.

Thanks for asking about me, it really means alot.

How have you been feeling, and how are you coping with your pain?

Laurie