Confused...need clarification

[Teggie]

I do not have chronic pain (thank god) so I am illequiped to try to understand all this.

Hubby has chronic pain.

Breif history

Has hx of alcohol abuse, when we met he said he was in AA, has not gone to many meetings since we have been together. Seperated in 2004 due to him started drinking & reconciled 2 monthes later. Not drinking now that I am aware of.

I have two children from a previous marriage we have been married for abot 8 years and have a 8 yr old son.

Hubby has neck and back issues. Had neck surgery in 2004, has spine narrowing & now thinks the neck plates in his neck are coming undone. Doesn't work a regular job, makes countertops etc but nothing regularly. I'm the primary breadwinner. We have no health insurance only have it on the kids due to limited finances.

Sees a local doc & is on

Hydrocordone 180 tabs a month
Xanax .5mg 60 tabs a month
Lyrica
Antidepressant
Ambien
BP med
Naprosyn

Tends to take the hydro not as prescribed, began to have issues with him being overmedicated & acting irrational & after confronted with it went to doc and was taken off the pills and prescribed the fentanyl patches with a smaller amout of Hydro for breakthru pain.

Was on patch for a time until I found out he was taking more Hydro with the patch on causing massive oversedation. He nearly overdosed one night, I had to pull the patch off and spent the night making sure he kept breathing. When that was over he acted like I was making the whole thing up and it wasn't as bad as I thought.

So back to the doc, off the patches, back on Hydro only with me managing the meds. Bought pill boxes set them up.

Worked for awhile until he started saying his pain wasn't being managed & he needed a higher dose. He started getting into them so I had to start hiding them & giving him one pillbox a day. And inevitably every night I would get asked for extras because of the pain.

The last few months he has been hunting and finding where they are hid and getting into them without telling me. When asked about it he says I don't understand chronic pain. And that what appears to be addiction is part of the chronic pain not being controlled.

He last got into them about a week ago & I am done. I gave the meds to him and said I'm done with it. Then he proceeded to spend the next few days totally gorked out (horrible) acting irrationally, confrontational, accusing me of having meds hidden from him, not sleeping, hunting the house for preceived meds, passsing out in front of the kids etc etc

I feel anger at him for lying to me, fear that he will overdose, fear he will harm the kids by driving with them etc, fear he will burn us up falling asleep with cigarettes.

He is now nearly out of meds I think, isn't moving much, sleeps alot, has two weeks till meds can be refilled. Is very quiet.

We are not speaking at all, he has not even offered a apology for putting me and the kids thru hell the last few days.

I'm at the end of my rope, I have to get off this rollercoaster. I go to alanon & post here in the friends & family section. I am cutting off financial support (will not buy the narcs or pay for the dr visits anymore.) I am very close to asking him to leave. I feel like I am being used & our marriage is a sham.

My question is:

How much of this is true addiction & how much is pain managment issues?

I just need some clarification in an area I am not that familiar with. Can chronic pain managment mimic addiction to this degree? I don't dispute he has pain issues but the way he is handling them is ruining me & our marriage.

Thanks

[Sugah]

I have chronic pain from multiple conditions. I manage it with prayer & meditation, creative visualization, exercise, hot baths, aroma therapy, and most importantly, a 12 step program of recovery.

Regardless of the pain, when I used, my addiction drove the amount I used--which was all I could get my hands on. No one but your husband can say how much pain he's in, but I know one thing. Moderate to severe chronic pain can be managed without meds. It takes a very honest desire to remain clean and sober, but it can be done. And I also know that until I was ready to quit, no one could make me. The only thing in your control is the money, and if you've already cut that off, you'll soon know to what lengths he's willing to go to feed his addiction.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

P.S. My housekeeper had disc replacement surgery on her neck. She still has some discomfort, but she was back to work six month later.

[serenityqueen]

Sorry to hear you and your family going through this with your Husband. Like Sugah said, he's the only one who can say truly how much his wanting the pills is for genuine pain and how much is addiction.

From what you have described, he sounds like he's addicted. I am in Recovery for opiate pain pills. I seriously abused them for 25 years. I have 3 years and 8 months in Recovery and I deal with chronic pain issues on a day to day basis. I noticed he's on Naprosyn, I am too. Funny, when I was using, I never even bothered to fill any Rx's for Naprosyn, if something didn't have the little red "may cause drowsiness" label on it, I didn't even bother. Even if it were for genuine pain, I had myself convinced that it wasn't going to help me. My frame of mind was if it didn't get me high, it wouldn't help with any pain. Boy, was I ever wrong.

I hope you stick to your guns about financially cutting him off. DO NOT under any circumstances let him drive anywhere with your kids in the car. I have a dear friend who's husband would fall asleep smoking when he was high and has burnt holes all over the furniture and carpet. She actually slept with a fire extinguisher for this reason. I'm not saying that as a suggestion, just that there are many others on here who can relate to what you are going through. You said you post in the friends and family of substance abusers forum?

Only you can decide when enough is enough. I hope for the safety of you and your kids, you do something soon. Not only is he endangering his own health, he's endangering everyone in the house everytime he lights a cigarette, cooks, . . . . I'll keep you all in my Prayers.

Judy

[Teggie]

Thank you very much. Somehow writing it out, when I went back and reread it it became very clear that addiction is the issue.

We finally talked today, I said I had something to say & proceeded to say I could'nt do this anymore, that I wasn't going to pay for the narcs anymore or the doctor visits or the ER bills he ran up whenever he ran out of meds and went to the ER in acute pain.

He asked if I wanted him to leave, I said that if he felt like he needed to then go ahead. He asked if I would manage the pills again and keep the extras at a relatives out of his reach & I said no, I can't do that anymore. He says he is in a quandry because he needs the pain control but can't control how he takes them. I said he would have to figure that out but I had heard of people who were on non narcotic means of pain control due to addiction. I did say that if his behavior occurred again I would ask that he leave because of the effects it has on the family..

Thank you for your wisdom. It really helps when I feel like I don't know what to do.

Thank you for the insight.

[serenityqueen]

I'm glad you and your H talked, it's important that you make yourself very clear and congrats for setting the boundaries.

As I said in my previous post, I'm a recovering opiate addict with chronic conditions that cause a great deal of pain. I go to a Methadone Maintenace Program which has enabled me to be drug free since July 25, 2005. Not only does the Methadone help with that, it also helps with the physical pain that I experience on a daily basis. It is a serious decision that no one should make without giving it a great deal of thought. Going into a MMT Program requires going to the Clinic on a daily basis to dose. At the Clinic I go to, eventually the person can "earn" take home doses but there is different criteria to meet at each individual Clinic.

In my opinion, MMT should be a last resort. Yes, your body does become dependent on the Methadone, but the benefits for me by far outweigh the inconvenience of going to the Clinic everyday. I had spent many hours a day trying to get enough pills to keep me from going through withdrawls. Many times I got pills illegally through deception, theft, Dr. hopping, trips to the ER, everything your H is doing right now. Being on the Methadone allowed me to be able to work on my Recovery without the horrible post accute withdrawls. I am able to get up each morning and live my life like a "normal person" without having to get pills first. Up until recently when I had to go on Disability, I was able to keep a full time job with many responsibilites, I learned to respect myself again, to care about myself and others, I am no longer involved in any illegal activity, I could go on and on, but I'll spare you hours of reading. What I have found in Recovery is something that it's impossible to put into a few sentences except to say that I have found myself.

A MMT is not a quick fix. In order to get into Recovery, any addict needs to build up a support system, IMO, going to Meetings, getting a Sponsor as well as many phone numbers of others in Recovery, work the 12 Steps, and most importantly, find a God of their understanding. For me, all of this is like a recipe, if I left out one ingredient, it didn't work.

This is something he has to make a decision on and do for himself as you very well know. I hope you continue to set boundaries that you know you can and will keep.

God Bless,
Judy

[MROBI]

all i can say is that when i go to pain dr. i also see a dr recomended by him who is an addiction specialist, cuz i have substance abuse issues from the past, and it helps me a lot. someone in pain mngnt has to be in control of their meds and take them as prescribed.

def. of addiction...loss of control over a substance and abusing even thogh u know it will do harm.

no dr will prescribe pain meds to feed an addiction, its illegal. only can use to treat pain. your hubby may do better on less addictive meds like ms contin. or maybe try using methadone, try talkin about this with him and his dr

[kewalo]

Teggie:

Lots of good info for you in the above postings. This info below is more for me. Sharing helps me to keep the faith.

I'm cross-addicted and in recovery for many years. I go to both AA and Al-anon. I have a recent blown out back and quickly discovered how Vicodin "calls to you when you stop taking it". So I quickly gave up on it and any other "buzz-driven" pain meds.

As you're probably finding out, Your hub is going to do what he's going to do until a true bottom is reached. HE must see it as HIS bottom. No matter what, it will eventually be his decision to stop and no one elses.

What I learned in Al-anon from going nuts over my drug addict daughter: First Al-anon taught me the 3-Cs: I did not "Cause" her addiction, I cannot "Control" her addiction and I cannot "Cure" her addiction.

She went to 6 treatment centers and finally decided to stop on her own in the last treatment center. She's clean 6 years now and in NA. But for many years I woke up every morning and she was the first image in my brain, the first thing I thought about, and she ruled my every waking moment. But finally Al-anon taught me to allow her dignity to be who she is, putting the focus on me, and giving my daughter to God to deal with. I'm STILL powerless over what she does. So I go to Al-anon, even if she's clean.

[Teggie]

Well much has happened since I last posted. Previously we reached a decision to start locking up the meds so that he could not access them, we bought a lock box and I got a combo lock that only I had the combination to.

Things seemed to go well for about two weeks then surprise! (NOT!) the lock box dissappeared. Was I surprised? No I wasn't. Immediatly the quacking began, "someone stole them!" "I'm not lying, I did not take the meds" yadayadayada.....

I knew it was a lie and said so. He continued to deny it.

He had been going to some AA meetings when I go to alanon once a week. The next meeting night after this he decided to go. On the way home he decides he needs to come clean with me. He tells me he did take the box (duh) and then tells me that he has been smoking pot since before we met and hasn't been out of pills even when his prescription was gone. He had been buying them at intervals from a "friend" of his.

I can't describe the hurt, I thought I had hurt enough already but no....still more. I flew off and kicked him out. Illegal drug use is something I can't tolerate. And I told him it will not occur on this property or in this house. After three days of living in his truck, and heartbreaking pleas from our son, he came to me and asked what did he need to do because he didn't want to lose us. I told him he had to figure that out but obviously he needed help.

Over the next week he contacted MHMR, got on a waiting list for rehab and attended meetings like a fiend. The week after that he tapered off and isn't going to AA as much. He's back on the daily pill boxes because of the chronic pain and so far has not goton into extras but as for the other substance use I don't know. Sometimes he acts like maybye he is but other times not. I figure whats gonna happen is gonna happen. And it's gonna happen no matter what I do. And he will lie, easily. I could go crazy and obsess myself into insanity but I refuse to.

I found some pawn shop receipts yesterday while cleaning out some stuff, granted they were all from before this but still...I found one for a Christmas present we gave him in December, he pawned it in January. I told him about finding them and stated it was a low blow.

Today I told him that if he decides to use illegal drugs again to be a man about it and remove himself from the family. I have no wish to be found guilty by assosciation or whatever. Then I stomped over to the "friend" who lives two houses down & who hubby has admitted to getting pills with and told him not to ever set foot on my property again & if he does I will call the police.


If he's going to progress I am sure it will become apparrant very soon and I will be forced to kick him out, yet again, hurt our son, yet again if he doesn't man up and leave himself.


I want to beleive he's going to just stick with the prescribed meds but my alanon teachings say be prepared for the worst.

I want to give him the benefit of the doubt if he is really trying to stay clean except for his prescribed meds. But I don't trust anything he says and our marriage is hanging by a very thin line.

I don't know what exactly to do so I take it one day at a time, keep up with my alanon, take care of the kids, work and in the spare free time ask myself if I am the biggest fool there is.

Just wanted to share,
Teggie

[Proserpina]

Originally Posted by kewalo

As you're probably finding out, Your hub is going to do what he's going to do until a true bottom is reached. HE must see it as HIS bottom. No matter what, it will eventually be his decision to stop and no one elses.

I have to completely agree with this, coming from personal experience with chronic pain and the addiction "justified" by it.

Unfortunately, it wasn't until I had completely given up on life and myself that I reached my bottom and took my life back. But it's been a long, hard road to get there.

I really think the chronic pain situation forces many of us addicts to walk a fine line between controlling pain and feeding our addiction. In my situation, I found out that no matter what I do, I cannot walk that line safely. I always cross it. It sounds like your husband crosses that line as well.

I still don't have all the answers. But I'm holding on and staying clean while looking for them.