Level of vulnerability felt

[lizw]

For the last 24 hours I have been thinking about how much the level of vunerability I feel has changed. I assume it started to change when I found out I was sick 2 years ago. I also think I have spent a lot of time 'reacting' to this change too, even if it is just in my head.

For example, 3 years ago if I was walking in a place where there were not many people it would never occur to me that it was unsafe for a woman to do this considering the world we live in and in the part of town I stay. But these days I am really aware of that stuff if not overly vigilant.

I think the first time I was aware of it was last year when I went out to a concert type thing and there were tons of people. I began having those light bulb type moments (you know when the light in your brain switches on) realising if enough peple bumped into me I'd probably fall over as my balance can be really hammered at any given moment.

Love to hear other peoples ESH on this.

[Sugah]

I hear you, Liz. I love heights. Always have. Now, if I'm taking the stairs, I will stand aside and let people pass me--wait quite awhile if I have to--because I feel unsafe if someone's behind me.

Tonight, I went to a reading, and there was a deck on the roof that overlooked the city. I went up, but I was nervous. It was hard to enjoy the sight.

Before my injury, and before I learned that my bones were made of swiss cheese, before I faced the fear of losing my leg (and it was definitely fear, even after I was told the danger had passed), I wouldn't have imagined feeling so vulnerable.

You know, liz, I try to focus on the gift of slowing down. I don't remember to do it all the time, but enough so that most days are pretty okay.

Peace & Love,
Sugah