Those moments when the world seems to stop

[lizw]

I've had a few incidents this week when I have expereinced these kinds of moments.

As most of you know 2 years ago I was diagnosed with MS which is a progressive disease. More recently (at my nuro's) I was diagnosed as having problems with my eye sight, all part of the MS. I suspected as such, as at the time I was unable to make out the shape of things - things which should have shape, i.e.steps, appeared flat to me.

When I am at home and not doing much, all this is fine. While it upsets me, at times, I am getting better at handling it. Am down to spazzing out about every few months now, rather than every few weeks.

But one of my incidents this week is I went to the bank and filled in a withdrawl slip but before approaching the teller I noticed I had not written the account number in the box where they it was suppose to go, I had written it underneath the box as I was unable to see/identify the box (because of my sight) when I filled in the slip to begin with!

It really shocked me. The only other times my MS has affected me 'in public' was when I was first diagnosed and nearly past out at the swimming pool (I was out of the water by that time and sitting in the changing room, wondering what the hell I was going to do) and at the gym when I was with a friend so I had someone to 'look after me'.

I wondered if anyone else has or has had these types of moments?
It's sort of like reality hits and everyone else appears to be going about their business, while I expereince some kind of intense grief. It's quite similar to how I've felt when I've found out friends/relations have died - disconnected from reality.

[DesertEyes]

Hey there Liz

Yeah I know about those "moments'. I call them "oh ****** " moments.

My problems are with short term memory, not vision. I sometimes forget something I just did a couple minutes ago. Like I'll be paying bills and a couple months later when balancing my checkbook I notice I paid the same bill twice. On the same day. In fact, I put _two_ identical checks in the one envelope. eeeesh

My g/f will be making plans for the weekend with me and she'll stop short, caress my cheek and say "Mike, I just answered that question 10 seconds ago".

The way I see it, I was going to lose my memory sooner or later. Eventually I'd get to be 100 yrs old and get Alzheimers, although not necesarily in that order. Our politicians here in this side of the world always claim they can't remember when they get called in to be questioned on their mis-deeds, so I just tell people I'm practicing to become President of the USA

I focus on what I still have that works. That's my friends, my recovery, and my HP. All the rest is going to fade away, given enough time, so obviously it's not what's important in life. One of my sponsor used to say that the any thing you can hold in your hands is not worth holding on to. It's only the things I can hold in my heart that are worth holding on to.

That's the way I feel about my health and my body. They're just _things_. When the deal is done what I am going to value about life is not my body or my health. It's the people I have loved and that loved me back that have made my life worth living.

Mike

[lizw]

Thanks Mike. I've got the memory thing too.

I haven't started sending people double cq's yet but I pay everything by internet banking and have to write paid on my accounts or I would pay them twice!

I am being to think I have a lot of confusion in terms of squence, if that is at all possible but with MS anything is.

I am taking a course where we are studying the play MacBeth and I don't seem to be able to get the squence of events straight, and I can assure you it is not from lack of trying!

Maybe it is mental confusion.

[DesertEyes]

Originally Posted by lizw

...I am taking a course where we are studying the play MacBeth and I don't seem to be able to get the squence of events straight, and I can assure you it is not from lack of trying!.....

You know, over in Hollywood where I used to live, they have a thing called "Alternative Theater". They do traditional plays, such as Shakespeare, and _intentionally_ do the scenes backwards, or out of order.

See? There is nothing wrong with you, it's just that you are such a sophisticated actress that your are doing it the Hollywood way

Mike

[Latte]

One thing that I realized is that I HAVE to ask for help. It is hard but it really does take a big burden off of me. I do as much as I can myself and then I ask.

I have been doing pretty well with my chronic condition but when another illness (strep throat in this case) got piled on top I asked my husband to take a few days off. We had sick kids home for a few weeks, I was just exhausted and I knew I was on my last nerve. This was big for me.

My thoughts are with you.

[Sugah]

Liz, I'm sorry you have to deal with this, but I have all the faith in the world that you can. You're about as no-nonsense about life as I've seen folks come. If you have an experience, you allow yourself to experience it fully. You're not afraid to look at yourself and what you're feeling. I admire that more than you could know.

Yes, I've had those moments. Like you, at home, I manage. I have grown or almost grown kids who help, and I can go along knowing that I'm teaching them responsibility. The whole truth is that I need their help, but at home, I don't have to focus solely on that.

You know that I'm on my own a lot these days. Being in my apartment isn't so bad. Dishes don't pile up much, and any messes there are to clean up are mine, so I do my best not to make them.

But when I'm out and about, I get reminded frequently that there are differences between me and the majority. I don't talk about the neurological pain much because focusing on it too much seems to amplify it, and it can quickly become more than I can bear. I can deal with muscles pain, bone pain, but nerves--huh uh.

I've looked at a two-block incline that I know I have to climb it to get to where I need to be, searing shocks climbing both my legs, people passing me right and left. I'd be lying if I said I never questioned my ability to do what I'm doing--or how long I can keep it up. So, I pray. "Let me take the next step if it's your will." So far, so good. I accept the reality that I've done what docs said I couldn't do--come back from an advanced stage of my condition and function again. Not at the level I did before, but compared to what I'd become resigned to, I'm walking on friggin' sunshine.

Each day is a gift.

As always, you have my prayers, sister.

Peace & Love,
Sugah