First time here

[chloes1]

I'm new here, just wanted to introduce myself...

I have Rheumatoid arthritis as well as Osteoporosis, (thin bones) and Fibro as well. I have been taking pain meds and abusing them from pretty much from the time I was diagnosed 7 years ago.

My addiction has caused all the usual problems for me. Job loss, lost friends, the lying and stealing and well you get the idea.

I have been without the opiate for 13 days now and I am hoping that the physical w/d is pretty much over. I was taking oxycodone 5 mgs and when I finally really understood that I must find a way to stop I was using upwards of 20 pills a day along with Ambien (3-4 a day just to soothe the jittery nervy feelings) and don't get me started on the anti depressant! I have managed this at home, with virtually no help from anyone else.

I have a toddler who is the light of my life. The father sees our son most days, although he and I do not have a relationship beyond our son.

The difficulty is that I have all these reasons to get off these evil little pills and somehow I cannot manage to do it. I went to some NA meetings but those were some scary people let me tell you! I had one woman insist that she was going to be my sponser (aren't we supposed to be choosing them??) but only if I stopped taking all of my meds. Needless to say that didn't last very long! I did go to some AA meetings, but I gotta tell you the nearest one is about 40 miles one way. My son and I live on my disabilty check (SSDI) and I simply cannot afford to drive to the meetings as often as I would like. Besides which it feels deceitful to go to an AA meetings when alcohol isn't really the problem, how do you claim to clean up your act if you begin by lying?

Also I have genune pain. I hurt! This flare has really been miserable, I cannot manage to grasp sheets to make the beds, turn the taps to bathe either one of us, even turning the key in the ignition of my car is just about impossible. Not treating my pain is unrealistic.

So, I am trying to maintain some pain control without resorting to opiates. I am terrified that I will die if I relapse. I have come so very close already... If this pain doesn't get better I'm going to be in deep trouble. I cannot manage opiates, but I can't live like this either.

In short I am alone in this, frightened of the tomorrows, ashamed of my past (My God the people I have hurt!) and in a lot of pain. This will get better, won't it??

[Sugah]

First - yes, it will get better.

Second, I can relate to all your conditions, as well as remembering what it was like when my children were small (I just took my youngest son to vote the first time today).

Third - the problem with using opiates to treat chronic pain conditions is that we build a tolerance to them, and the "relief" we get from them decreases over time. We need more and more to get the same relief until, finally, we're not getting even that relief - but we need to take them to stay "well" in other ways.

I have several suggestions for you, and they're not necessarily in order.

• Be honest with your doctor. For RA & FMS, there are many non-narcotic treatments available.
  
• Anyone who "insists" she's going to be your sponsor is most likely not a good sponsor, and anyone who "insists" you stop taking all medications is dangerous. I'm sorry you had a bad experience in NA. If there's another meeting available, you might want to try that. I understand the issues of money/distance/children in recovery, but it can be done.
  
• Don't discount AA. Let me ask this: If you were to have a few in you and someone presented you with your "drug of choice," would you find it difficult to say no? I know many people who consider that to be their "powerless[ness] over alcohol."

There are many means of dealing with pain that have nothing to do with medication, but like someone starting an exercise program after years of sedentary life, it's challenging to get started. Slow and steady was the way for me. Some things that have helped me are meditation (including creative visualization and breathing exercises), yoga stretches, aroma therapy, music therapy, hot baths and showers, altering the way I sleep, and lowering my expectations. In that way, I've slowly increased my activities over time so that I now live as normal a life as anyone, and I often out-pace my younger counterparts -- all without medication.

Keep posting, cloes1. Others will be along soon.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[chloes1]

thanks for responding. I am so sick of trying to not be sick.

I got a little sleep, and it does help to know that too shall pass.

I have a call into my Rheumatologist to see if he has any more samples of Lryica, that stuff is crazy expensive! I do know that helps with some of the pain. I am really reluctant to start a med that I may not be able to keep taking. I really don't need one MORE thing to detox from!

[Latte]

Have you considered a pain clinic? They have so many ideas above and beyond just medication. As far as the other meds, there are programs out there to help pay for them. Talk to your pharmacist, they are really pretty smart people and very resourceful.

[chloes1]

Originally Posted by Latte

Have you considered a pain clinic? They have so many ideas above and beyond just medication. As far as the other meds, there are programs out there to help pay for them. Talk to your pharmacist, they are really pretty smart people and very resourceful.

The pain clinic is a great idea, however I really want to be more secure in recovery before I go to the "candy store". no question though a pain clinic is going to be necessary.

I hadn't considered talking to the pharmacy! What an excellent idea!! Talk about not seeing the forest for the trees! the pharmacy is just such an evil scary place for me, it never occurred to me to ask for help there. D'oh...

[lizw]

Welcome.
Hope you stick around.

[Latte]

Originally Posted by chloes1

The pain clinic is a great idea, however I really want to be more secure in recovery before I go to the "candy store". no question though a pain clinic is going to be necessary.

I hadn't considered talking to the pharmacy! What an excellent idea!! Talk about not seeing the forest for the trees! the pharmacy is just such an evil scary place for me, it never occurred to me to ask for help there. D'oh...

Pain clinics don't just deal with pills, a good one uses pills as the last ditch.

I love my pharmacist. He knows I'm in recovery and often I go to him before any procedure and he gives me some options that with my history he believes would work best.

[iljchia]

Ahh man --- opiates and sleep --- When I first stopped, I didn't sleep for a few days, and then it took me a few weeks to really sleep through the night. It's part of the nature of the beast. The opiates tend to take a good month to stop effecting mood and sleep. I was irrational, and pissed at the world for the first week or so. (my poor friends) Things get better throughout the first month!

I've been in a few pain clinics as I've moved around a bit. My advise go to NA meetings, talk with people, and find the clinics that are not candy stores. There are actually pain clinics for drug addicts, and they tend to be more reasonable to deal with bad insurance due to fact that addicts are often under insured.

As far as meetings --- you walked into a room of addicts -- odds are a few of them are crazy - we are an unpredictable population - the key is to learn to filter through people -- don't let one or a few people to scare you from the program. However, the program is set up in a way where people are really personal and really friendly - and that itself can be overwhelming.

For me the problem I ran in was with AA, people looked down on the illegal drug addicts, but thought it was okay if you had a script - and well i'm the person that abused the scripts so I've stuck with NA. One key thing is some of these random run ins are isolated based on region.

[DesertEyes]

Hi there Chloes1, and pleased to "meet" you

My ex-wife has severe Rheumatoid Arthritis, so I have seen the challenges you are facing. She's been on various anti-inflamatories and they work wonderfuly well for her. Methotrexate did her worlds of good and she was completely pain free.

I have an inflamatory disease too, nothing as difficult as RA, but I take much the same meds. There's mild anti-inflamatories like Kenalog, heavier duty ones like Decadron and Solumedrol, and all kinds of other ones.

My point is that there are two separate aproaches to managing pain caused by an inflamatory process. One, of course is to attack the pain with pain-killers. The other is to _prevent_ the pain in the first place by using anti-inflamatories. My docs have me doing _both_. Is your Rheumatologist trying out various different anti-inflamatories to see which ones work best for you? I didn't see any mention of those meds in your posts.

Welcome again, I'm glad you decided to join us.

Mike

[chloes1]

Hiya Mike!

RA causes such pain for everyone. Sometimes I think my illness hurts my family more than it hurts me.

Anyway I take a LOT of meds for this. methotrexate (makes my hair fall out, gives me sores in my mouth, thrush in the very back of my mouth is the worst! still take though) folic acid, prednisone, just switched to cymbalta (was taking imipram & was really abusing that! that scared me enough that I came here) remicade, etolidac... the list is exhausting.


I finally figured out that I can not take anything that gives a "high". Now if I could just sort out why I choose to hurt myself (and my family) with these wretched pills...

Addiction sucks!

[DesertEyes]

Originally Posted by chloes1

... RA causes such pain for everyone. Sometimes I think my illness hurts my family more than it hurts me. ....

Yes, it surely can. Does your family attend any support groups for "caregivers"? I've been to a few and they were hugely helpful. Out here they usually have them at the larger hospitals, you have to ask the social worker (if they hospital has one) or sometimes the nurses at the cancer unit.

Originally Posted by chloes1

... methotrexate .... prednisone....

_both_ of those? My docs will give me one or the other, but not both. And the same for my ex. Once in a while they would give her a shot of pred directly in the joint to overcome a flare up, but never both on a regular basis.

I've heard a lot of people say they really like cymbalta, but I've never tried it myself.

Originally Posted by chloes1

... that scared me enough that I came here....

I haven't abused any meds.... yet.... and i want it to stay that way so that is why I hang out here. I'm glad you decided to join us. Together we can all get thru this mess

Originally Posted by chloes1

... Now if I could just sort out why I choose to hurt myself (and my family) with these wretched pills.......

well, the standard answer is because you are an addict and that is what addicts do. I know it's true for me. Meds that give a "high" are dangerous for me because they change the way I _think_. And once I'm thinking the wrong way, I have no way of knowing that it's wrong. That's why I got to meetings and have a sponsor and hang out here, so I can compare my thinking to others and catch myself _before_ I go and do something dumb.

Have a (((( hug )))) .... a very gentle one cuz I know it hurts

Mike

[chloes1]

I don't know if any one in my family has attended any support groups, I highly doubt it though. It would be out of character for them.

and oh yes I get both the pred and methotrexate. The MTX is the chemo drug and the pred is the steroid to control the imflammtion of my joints. They both really suck.

So far so good with the cymbalta, but it's only been a week or so since I started. I sure hope it will help with the pain. Mostly it's supposed to help with depression. It's kinda of a joke... I need a pill to help me cope with my craptacular life caused by these rotten pills.

And yeah I'm just doing what addicts do. The why is so much mental self pleasure really. Why doesn't matter, what matters is what I'm doing about it.

And thanks for the cyber hug. :smile: All of this just has feeling so unlovable right now.

Any words of wisdom about how to find a sponser? I isolate myself so much I know I need to go f2f meetings, but phone, or email contact will get me started until I can find one in real life.

I could really use the help in getting through the storms in my mind. it's weird how I am totally at the mercy of my emotions. Serenity seems so far away sometimes...

[Latte]

I found Cymbalta to be a wonderful pain reliever.

I no longer use it because after a sit down with my Pdoc and my regular doctor we decided that I could have more pain from the weight gain the Cymbalta was causing then I could get relief from.

I truely belive in it though because many of my Chronic friends take it and rave. They have Vasculitis problems and RA, and Lupus.

You can do this, there are some wonderful tools out there.

Keep coming back.

[MROBI]

i suggest that u seek out a dr. that can treat your pain and opiod problem through the use of suboxone.

[chloes1]

I started a really nasty flare yesterday, and today I can barely move. I am soooo swollen, my wrists and ankles, knees and hips.

I have a call in to my Rhuematologist and have started my "rescue" dose of steroids. Holy Sheep I hurt!

Can anyone cross their fingers for me? Is this normal, 19 days in to have a big painful flare??

[DesertEyes]

Originally Posted by chloes1

....Can anyone cross their fingers for me? Is this normal, 19 days in to have a big painful flare??

Fingers and toes crossed for you, and will stay that way 'till you feel better

I dunno about "normal", but it sure is _common_ to have flares when the weather changes, and for flares to be totally unpredictable. My ex would just pile on the steroids 'till the flare was under control, then have the doc slowly lower the dosage over a month or two until she was back to where she started. That worked really good for her.

Mike

[chloes1]

that's the plan, gobs of steroids. Tomorrow I go in for a Toradol inj and we'll see if he wants a steroid inj or just steroids directly into my knees and ankles.

You know you hurt when you're willing to injections into the joint itself! They hurt!!

It's been raining for over a week here, which doesn't help my mood any. blech!

[Freedom1990]

Originally Posted by chloes1

thanks for responding. I am so sick of trying to not be sick.

I got a little sleep, and it does help to know that too shall pass.

I have a call into my Rheumatologist to see if he has any more samples of Lryica, that stuff is crazy expensive! I do know that helps with some of the pain. I am really reluctant to start a med that I may not be able to keep taking. I really don't need one MORE thing to detox from!

Since you are on SSDI and considered low income, check with www.pparx.org

Many of the drugs companies provide reduced-price or free meds to low income people.

I used to get my gastric reflux meds directly through the pharmaceutical company at no cost. I no longer need those as I've had surgery.

The only way I can afford my Cymbalta (which would normally run me over $260 a month) is because I applied through Lilly Cares and now get it free directly from Lilly.

[chloes1]

Thanks for the idea Freedom! Now why didn't I think of that??! I used to get Enbrel free until Medicare part D came into effect... So, I know to apply to the companies.









And now for my update, it's a mixed blessing I can tell you. I did get Toradol today and the swelling has already started to go down. What a relief that is!


I received steroid inj into my L knee as that one has the least range of motion. I also got a small injection of steroids to help keep the swelling down.

I also received an Rx for 20 oxycodone 5 mgs tabs. That is the mixed blessing. Way less than I used to get but enough to tide me over until the steroids kick in. I hope. I don't know whether to feel like a failure or like I've relapsed or how I feel. Except that at least for now I feel a million times better. Steroids, no doubt.


So, now my question: Is anyone here willing to work with me as a temp sponsor until I can get one in real life? I know I should start going to meetings, but realistically it will be the new year before I can attend regularly. Part of it is financial, and I have begun the process of getting a job.

It's going to be awhile though before the paychecks start coming in. I need the kick in the pants now! Or is it encouragement to keep trying I need? I dunno, but I need the help.

help

[DesertEyes]

Originally Posted by chloes1

... I know I should start going to meetings, but realistically it will be the new year before I can attend regularly. Part of it is financial, and I have begun the process of getting a job. ...

The last time I went in for surgery I just went to the first meeting I could find and I shared how scared I was. I also shared that I was going to need some support to get to meets, and maybe even more if things didn't work out. They were great, I got a ton of phone numbers from just that one meet and people started calling _me_ just to ask how I was.

The surgery went poorly, and all those people who offered to help showed up and brought their friends. There were so many people in the house I had to ask them to go home cuz the neighbors were getting weirded out.

Try it with whatever meeting you can get too, I think you might be surprised and how much help people are willing to give when you honestly ask for it.

Mike

[chloes1]

an update of sorts...

I have an appt w/ a pain dr & addictionologist on Tuesday. He doesn't accept my insurance, so I'll be paying cash out of pocket. I cannot believe what this guy charges!!

It's a 2 hour appt! :shock: I have never had a Dr appt that lasted that long. Wow!

I did do some digging around and there is an AA meeting a lot closer so I'll be going on Wed. I'm still having a lot of pain, but I figure if I don't at least try to help myself, why should anyone else??

[DesertEyes]

Way to go, choles! Taking action to take care of _you_ is awesome recovery.

Let us know how it goes with the docs, I'm always interested to hear what new aproaches there are out there for pain management.

Mike

[Freedom1990]

Good for you, gal! I've found that being proactive in my recovery and health issues is essential! Keep us updated!

[NeedingHelp7]

chloes, I know a lady who took opiates for a long time for pain of fibro. She kicked the habit, and went to Kelp. She feels better now than she has in years.

[chloes1]

Uuugghhh! I posted this HUGE message and now it's *poof* gone!


*ggrrrr* I'll try this again...

I went and saw the pain/addiction Dr, and I have mixed feelings about it.

On the negative side, it costs $500 to see him (each visit is $100 and will last about 30 minutes). His office personnel didn't put enough postage and this HUGE packet of questions that I had to fill out. So, it came postage due. Next his office has moved two doors down and he hasn't updated his letterhead to show that. His office is in a strip mall. He brings his dog to work with him, and will allow me to bring mine if I wish. I checked with the State to see if he had any complaints and he did. He averages about 2 complaints each year, some are minor and some a little more serious. He has no complaints in the last 6 months. All of his complaints were settled. He only accepts cash or checks and does not bill any insurances. His office staff did show me how to file for re-imbursement with my company and gave me the forms I will need.

So, I don't know... Any experiences you can share? Is this normal? The billing thing I think bugs me more than anything else...

The last item is a lulu for me, so please tell me what you all think! He encourage me to try low dose methadone to see how effective it is for me. After a LOT of thought I decided to try it. It's 10mgs 4x a day. I only take them 3x a day. Four just lays me out, more on that in a minute. I am having trouble taking them as prescribed, but some of that is all the stress in my life right now. I go back on the 30th and I don't know if I want to continue. It does help the pain, but I am worried about coming off of the methadone.