Working the steps: #3

[DesertEyes]

Working the steps: #3

This is a little exercise I learned in my program of AA. Whenever I'm up against one of life's obstacles I re-word the steps to fit the obstacle. Then I work the steps just like I do for my addiction.

3- Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.

"... as we understood him"

I do _not_ understand my Higher Power. I've heard some people say in meets that if they could understand their HP, it would not be a power much higher than a drunk. I look at the world and there is _so_ much that does not make sense to me. The world is not happening the way I would have it happen, if I were the HP.

Then I have to remember that when all I was responsible for was my own life I did a spectacularly poor job of managing it. If I were in charge of the whole world it would be a catastrophe.

So instead of looking at the whole world, I look at just my own life. There are a long series of fortunate co-incidences that have saved my skin time and again. Starting with all the times I should have died at the hands of my abusive parents, all the times I should have died when living on the streets as a runaway, the times I should have died as a drunk living in a dumpster, and yes, the seven vists to the ICU I've had in the last 3 years.

I am living in Las Vegas, and this town is all about luck. If a guy were to walk into a grocery store, buy a lotery ticken and win a gazillion bucks that would be huge luck. If the same guy walks into the seam store the next week and wins _again_.... it's a little creepy. If the same guy keeps winning again, and again, and again.... there comes a point when I have to admit that the game is rigged.

I have had the most incredible run of "luck" in my life. Again, and again, and again. Every one of those trips to the ICU I get doctors shaking their heads at my being alive, never mind being able to get up, walk and after a few weeks go back to work. How is it that every time in my life I have been in need there has been somebody there to help me thru? Every time I come up against some challenge I hear words of wisdom in my meets, or a stranger takes me aside and shares _his_ similar experience?

What other explanation is there for my life? The game is rigged in my favor, there's just no way to deny it anymore. I don't know _why_ it's rigged, but I have no doubt that it.

"...our will and our lives over to the care... "

That little phrase covers _everything_ I had been messing up for years. Clearly, I had no control over my will and my life. Honestly, it would be hard to find anybody who could have messed it up even more. I still try to manage it; I get angry at the docs and decide to skip my meds. That works oh so well * lol *

Nobody could mess it more than what I have done, so turning it over to _anybody_ would have to be an improvement.

"Made a decision..."

No. For me it has not been a "decision". It has been an "admission". My life has _never_ been under my control. I just fantasized that it was. I am not the one who kept me alive thru all those hospital visits. I am not the one that got me sober, not the one who protected me from my insane family of origin. The HP has been running the show all along, I've just been too stubborn to admit it.

I have no decisions to make, I just have to quit being in denial.

Since I am not in control of my life, I can stop worrying about dying. That's like worrying about sunrise. It's going to happen anyway, might as well go and enjoy the stars in the night sky until the sun does come up. Worrying just keeps my head down and I never get to see the stars.

Last night my blood pressure was all over the place. There's a _great_ friday night meeting that I _love_ and I was just too sick to go. I got angry, I got resentful, I started to sulk, and generally made myself miserable. Then I remembered step 3, and realized that if I went to the meet _anyway_ I'd still have lousy blood pressure, and I'd be in pain the whole meeting long.

I let it go. I took some meds, got into bed and when my g/f came home from her meet we had a very nice chat. She tucked me into bed and I slept 10 hours. Today I feel much better, not all the way well but good enough. I am no longer obsessing about a meeting I missed, I am instead enjoying being alive. In fact, I may even go take a nap in a few.

Step 3 is what shows me the way to enjoy what I have, and to quit making myself miserable from obsessing on what I do _not_ have.

Mike

[51anna]

Oh Mike, thank-you for this.

I really needed to read this today.

As always, you are brilliant.