Fear is lack of faith.

[DesertEyes]

Fear is lack of faith.

Or at least that's what I've heard in the rooms of AA. It's certanily true for me.

Saturday morning I woke up with this nasty pressure behind my eyes. I know from past experience that there's a nasty migraine coming soon. I had surgery done this last Xmas, they drilled a hole in my skull and went poking around in my brain. Every so often I get a migraine from it. Nasty ones. I knew one was coming.

There's a concept in pain management called "proactive medication". Which means you take the meds _before_ it hurts too much, cuz if you wait then it take that much more meds to overcome the pain.

I don't _like_ taking my meds. Ok, ..... rigorous honesty.... I am _afraid_ of my meds. I'm afraid of apearing weak, I'm afraid of getting addicted again.... but most of all the meds remind me that I am three years overdue on being dead. That is what I am most scared of.

So I did not take my meds proactively, got into a little denial, and oh boy was I sick. I just curled up into a ball and lay there the whole day. Eventually I got enough meds to where the pain was under control. The problem then is that I can't take my heart meds cuz they _raise_ my blood pressure and when I have such a monster migraine the raised blood pressure would just make it worse. So without my heart meds my blood pressure went down and I was just _miserable_.

Today I am much better, still woozy from the low blood pressure but no longer biting a towel to keep from screaming. My sponsor came over for a spell, and my g/f drove me to a meet. I got lots of hugs, which is always good

Today I am taking my meds _proactively_. Nothing like pain to teach me a lesson. sheesh.

Now I can think, and be grateful that there are such meds, and people that love me. Now I can work on this fear.

I am not turning over my will and my life to my Higher Power. I am still in a bit of denial about my disease, and I am not trusting my HP to stick with me thru the harship. He always has, I just am not a very trusting guy.

Dunno why I'm afraid of dying. Being dead doesn't hurt. My heart has gone into full arrest three times and it wasn't that bad. I just kind of softly faded off without much fanfare. Obviously, I wasn't dead all the way, but enough to know it doesn't hurt.

The people that _are_ going to hurt are those that stay behind. And my darling g/f who is crazy in love with me and is likey going to be the one who finds my body. Typical alcoholic that I am, I am so worried about _me_ dying that I totally forgot about everybody else.

Besides I'm not dying today. I still gotta few more years with all the meds they have nowadays. I got good docs too, and I've told them they better keep me alive cuz if they let me die they won't get their bills paid

I can't live forever, and I sure don't want to die of Alzheimers, that would be awful. Dying while I'm young and still in my prime is not such a bad deal. I don't have to worry about retirement. If I wasn't into recovery I could cheat on my taxes and by the time they figured it out I'd be long gone. I don't have to worry about paying off my house loan. I can just enjoy the life I have today and trust my HP to worry about the stuff I have no control over.

Which is the way I _should_ be living my life even if I had perfect health. I heard a guy share it at my meet, I should stop worrying about the "what if" and instead focus on the "what _is_ ".

Today I feel much better. Today I have a bunch of people that love me and a wonderful life that is a gift from my HP. I've got meds that allow me to hold down a simple little desk job, and a cool forum with people I can dump me fears with. As an alkie, I truly have a life beyond my wildest dreams. All I need to do is spend a little less time inside my head and a little more time with my HP

Mike

[Ann]

Mike, you are a huge inspiration to me, to live one day at a time and to live each day well.

Not one of us knows what tomorrow may bring, but it's as likely to be good as not so good and for today we can just find beauty and sit in the sunlight.

Hugs of Gratitude for this reminder.

[CarolD]

It's difficult for me to accept
that I have chroic health issues that are impossible to cure

The trick is to do what I can ..when I can.....
and keep buying green bananas...

(((Mike))) Forward we go...side by side

[51anna]

Mike,

It's interesting that death is such a natural part of life and the one thing we are guaranteed will happen to us, and yet it can fill us with such dread and fear. When I feel that way, I think of you and how you manage to stay positive and active in your life.

By the way, I've had migraines since my teenage years, and I learned the hard and stubborn way to be proactive. Sometimes I still have to argue with myself, but in the end, I need much less medication if I'm proactive.

[lizw]

Hey Mike

Even though my illnesses are not terminal, I can relate to what you are saying.

Since I was diagnosed I have thought alot about what happens when a person dies etc... I assume I have thought about it because getting sick has reminded me that I am just a fragile human being NOT the superwoman my head tells me I am, on a good day of course. On a bad day, I'm the bug squashed on the sole of someones shoe.

As I shared the other day, I've recently completed a 5th step and I've been sober a little while (10 years), and this time round (through the steps) my expereince has been vastly difference in the fact that I am coming to believe that sure, while I am an alcoholic, I am also a human being and that as a human being of course I have fears, pet peeves, likes and dislikes.

But the thing about being an alcoholic, is because it is a disease of the mind (thinking) my mind takes all this stuff and twists it out of proportion. Making things seem extreme, i.e I don't like something, so my mind harps on and on about and next thing I know, I've a resentment towards whatever created the thing I don't like. And it is a jump from 'dislike' to 'resentment'.

Most of the stuff on my 4th step list, my sponsor told me it was 'normal.' Being afraid my MS may turn into progressive MS, is healthy. Not living my life because of the fear I may get progressive MS, is not healthy. I can be such an extremist though, with nearly everything.

So I hear you. Faith is fear that's said it's prayers, but at the same time we don't need to be spiritual giants eh? We all have bad days and it's the learning from them that is important.

[DesertEyes]

Wow, you guys rock!!! Thank you all for those wonderful posts, and for your loving support

Mike (((( hugs ))))

[barb dwyer]

Hi Mike -
I suppose that means the bottom line is - when you feel it coming on, you take the meds next time, right?


I'm having just as hard a time adjusting to this whole 'medical conditiion' thing.

You're not alone, hon.

[lizw]

Originally Posted by barb dwyer

- when you feel it coming on, you take the meds next time, right?


I'm having just as hard a time adjusting to this whole 'medical conditiion' thing.

You're not alone, hon.

That made me laugh too.

I've just finished a pain mangement course through my local hospital and it turns out alcoholics and addicts aren't the only ones who struggle with this stuff!!

There was me and another lady (out of 15 of us) who happily ate the pills perscribed by our docs. I had my time last year of not taking them, 6 weeks of horror, thank you very much!

[nandm]

I read somewhere and it has stuck with me "Fear is the faith that things will go wrong." I had to read it several times and think about it but for me it is a very true statement. When I am in fear I find that I am in fear simply because I believe that things will not work out the way I want them to.

Mike, I love your posts. You are an inspiration to me. Thank you for sharing.