In a world of hurt...

[Toomutch]

I really do not want to go on like this. I had to leave work early yesterday because of rapid heart beat, body jerks loss of coordination and numbness.
The principal at the school where I work wanted to call 911, but instead called my husband as I requested.
My husband picked me up from work and was quite supportive. Trouble is his inconsistency. He told me to rest and took good care of managing the household. Until today
He called up screaming at me because there are things he wants me to get done... I cannot get any of it done, I feel awful.

Im so sick of his bullsh*t. I am so sick of pain and dizziness and brain fog.
If it weren't for my kids I would be done with this life. A may as well be drinking. At least I wouldn't feel anything that way.
I just want to check out!

[nandm]

I am sorry you are having such a rough time right now. I am unsure how to reply to your post as I am unfamiliar with the cause of your pain and symptoms. Are you taking medications or therapy for the physical problems? Your husbands reaction sounds like he is confused and frustrated with what is going on. That is not to defend his actions. Please let us know more so we can support you better and maybe help some.

[nandm]

Sorry about that last post, I went to the newcomers thread and was able to find answers to my questions

I live with chronic pain, and I do have to take narcotic pain meds. I have never abused them.
In most cases I have a high pain threshold. I have had a few bladder infections without ANY pain. In fact they got so the only way I knew I had them was because I was peeing blood. In addition I have had strep throat without pain, if it werent for the rash I would not have known I had it.
However with fibromyalgia and ruematoid arthritis I am is horrific pain. It's all I can do to make it to work and home to do a bit of laundry. I am worn out by 12 noon most days and by the time I get home from work I am so exhausted every little thing is a struggle.
I not only feel like a terrible mother and wife, but I get quite depressed which I guess is common with chronic pain.

You have a lot on your plate. What therapies are you using right now to deal with the pain and depression?

From what you wrote about your son and husband you are not a terrible wife and mother. It sounds like they are both doing well and succeeding in life, you have a part in that.

Chronic pain can be so frustrating not only for the person experiencing it but also to the people closest to them. It sounds like that is what your husband was reacting to the frustration of not being able to help, having his life affected by the pain that you experience, seeing someone he cares about in pain and not being able to change it, and so many other things.

Try not to let yourself get too discouraged right now. It might be time to speak with your doctor, see a rheumatoidologist, a pain clinic, a specialist in fibromyalgia. They might be able to help you find a workable solution to your pain and get it more managable so you can have your life back, your son can have his mother back, and your husband can have his wife back.

Take care.

Judith

[barb dwyer]

{{{{Too}}}}

I got no answers - only a hug.

[warrens]

Suzette

Not much to say about your pain. Nandm has good suggestions. Fibro is such a weird condition. It manifests itself in so many ways in different people.

All I can do is ask a question: What part of your discomfort would drinking not make worse? Sure, getting smashed might give temporary "relief" by knocking your butt out. But then, on top of your discomfort, you'd have all the crap that alcohol bestows. Not good if you think about it. More pain, discomfort, and certainly worse for your relationships. Nothing gained, much lost.

All I can suggest with regard to your symptoms is seek the help of doctors. Perhaps join an online fibro community such as this. Seek spiritual assistance of a type that makes sense to you. Yoga?

If nothing else, keep writing and sharing. Sometimes families are too much in the "moment" to lend support. We can't do your dishes, but we sure can lend empathy and support.

warren

[ksos]

Hello and thanks for coming to our pain management and Recovery forum. Like nandm, as well as others have said, living with chronic pain certainly takes its toll on those of us who feel it daily.

I am somewhat concerned because you expressed:

"If it weren't for my kids I would be done with this life."

Please understand that I am also a chronic pain patient who also takes narcotics for relief, which sometimes does not come. I am on so much medication that you would think that I would not feel a thing. Unfortunately, or rather, fortunately, I do still feel anxious and I still feel pain. I feel that the only people on the planet who truly understand me, are here on this board.

If may be so bold, may I suggest that you seek counseling for the depressed feelings you've been experiencing? Staying alive for your children is not enough. Telling us that you would rather "check out" if it weren't for your kids, is suicidal thinking.

Please post back and let us know when you make an appointment to see a psychiatrist who may help you.

[ksos]

One more thing came to mind, as I missed one huge issue with you, which is the reported "cloudy brain fog", dizziness and, of course, pain.

Do you have insurance? if so, there are doctors who specialize in managing pain in ways that do not interfere with your activities of daily life. Also, many pain specialists offer educational and support groups for the spouses of pain patients...

[Toomutch]

Nandm, Barb, Warens, ksos and the rest of the SR family,

Thank you for your replies and concerns.
I am feeling much better emotionally. The day I posted was a trying one. A good one but a trying one. My husband was overwelmed because he had to do all the last minute preparations for our sons Graduation. Once we got there it was wonderfull. He will be moving in with us full time this summer because he will be attending a college nearby. We have five kids total. 4 still at home. We are a blended bunch.

I did not drink and I did not continue wanting to do harm to myself. I simply wanted to be understood.

I am glad that this forum is available, because chronic pain as well as emotional pain go right along with alcoholism in my opinion. I take a lot of meds. for both physical and emotional pain. And where many of this forums members will not or cannot take meds. safely, I am greatful that I can.

Well I'm off to my eliptical trainer and 6 loads of laundry. I think this afternoon we will BBQ out back and play some croquet.
If I get to worn out I will come in and lie down and they will all have to deal with it.

[stone]

I am glad you are feeling a bit better.

[ksos]

Toomuch,

I am happy that you have posted here, since you seemed to have had a real bad day. Unfortunately, pain is directly correlated with mood states and people do feel suicidal when they have to deal activities and events, when all they want to do is lay in bed or use medications which are not prescribed...

Anyway, have a terrific weekend and know that we all here for you....!

Always,

Ksos

[Toomutch]

Ksos,

All my meds. are prescribed and taken as directed. I do however "hate" and I do not use that term lightly, to be slowed down and have to be dependant on others. I makes me feel like a slouch. I have always been one to get EVERYTHING done until recently, and it is hard to ask for help.
I made 250 homeade cookies on Weds. night for the high school where I'm employed after a full days work. All in all including chores I was at it for 16 hours. The next day is when I felt so awful and had to be brought home from work and was pretty much worthless for the next 24 hours. It was bad timing because much had to be done during that time but I could not help out and my husband was pissed. So I guess the moral of this story is that I need to pace myself and that is depressing for someone who used to never stop.

[51anna]

Hi Toomutch,

I so understand how you feel. In fact, it was feeling exactly like you are, for a period of a couple of years, that led me to drinking. I was desperate, and had two teenagers and a husband who didn't understand. I looked fine, so...what was the problem?

I have learned with fibromyalgia that I need to pace myself. If I overdo it, I pay the price. I have cut back and it's worked wonders. Learning to say 'No' has been a godsend. My pain seldom gets out of control anymore.

Take care of yourself!

[Toomutch]

Thanks Anna! I just have to learn to slown down, and learn to use the word NO...
I don't know why it is so hard for me. Probably because when I say no to family, friends, colleages... I fell guilty.
I am glad to know that your fibro is under control.

Suzette

[ksos]

Originally Posted by Toomutch

Ksos,

All my meds. are prescribed and taken as directed. I do however "hate" and I do not use that term lightly, to be slowed down and have to be dependant on others. I makes me feel like a slouch. I have always been one to get EVERYTHING done until recently, and it is hard to ask for help.
I made 250 homeade cookies on Weds. night for the high school where I'm employed after a full days work. All in all including chores I was at it for 16 hours. The next day is when I felt so awful and had to be brought home from work and was pretty much worthless for the next 24 hours. It was bad timing because much had to be done during that time but I could not help out and my husband was pissed. So I guess the moral of this story is that I need to pace myself and that is depressing for someone who used to never stop.

You know what? I think another moral of the story is that we sometimes have to surrender to our pain at times and to accept that we may need other to help us at times.

I do not know about you, but I hear myself saying things like, "If this were 2003, I'd be done listing 25 items on eBay in 3 hours...and today, I struggled to list ONE lousy LP. One LP for the entire day"

I am definitely sensitive to the depresson of not being as fast or as productive or as efficient as I once was. I really do not believe that I will be 100% back to age 34 after a pump is installed in my back, creating the scenario of when pain was nothing in my life and all I did was work, work, and party!

I also must accept the fact that my chassis and engine need to be tuned to the present condition...But there are good things, too!

[jazpoppy]

TooMuch;

Sorry to hear of your pain and especially the attacks of severe pain you suffer with. I am a chronic pain sufferer as well and I have good days, bad days, and mediocre days. I take all my meds as prescribed, but sometimes I just have to deal with feeling lousy. I am lucky to have an understanding boyfriend and and very understanding son (he's only 10 and he's my little angel). If it wasn't for the love of my son and bf, I'd be thinking about checking out too, but there are people in our lives that want us around and need us around. We just have to hang in there and fight! God bless you!

Love

Jaz

[ksos]

Toomuch...

We just have to support one another here and, as Jazzy says, hopefully find people in your life who can somewhat relate to what you are going through. Of course, that is a tall order, and even those who love us oftentimes, don't have the clues.

Just come here or pm that member who you feel a closeness with. Many people are on here at all hours, LOL!

[jazpoppy]

TooMuch;

Hey! Hope things are going much better for you. I had a bad week, I was unable to sit at the computer most of this week, but I'm feeling better and I'm back in business! I just wanted to check in with you and see if you are feeling better. God bless you! You take care of yourself!

Jaz