Morphine Pump for Chronic Pain; My Decision.

[Impurrfect]

Ditto what Barb said

[serenityqueen]

ksos,

You have your own not so little fan club going on here, don't you? lol

Do you feel like you're answering fan mail?

Just checking in to see if you've got an admit date yet.

I'm keeping you in my Prayers . . . as always.

Love ya Hon,
Judy

[ksos]

Originally Posted by Alera

On the lower doses I didn't have any drowsiness. On the higher doses I did, but that's to be expected for a bit of time.

On all doses, it basically turned me into a person with narcolepsy. This may be related to my Sleep paralysis but I have no idea. On the lower doses, the neurotin did not make me drowsy but if I did as much as sit down, I would fall asleep. I would sit down to smoke on the outside stairs and suddenly wake up. I literally would have to stand up to keep awake. I would have no symptoms that I would be falling asleep, no drowsiness before hand. I would literally be awake one minute and asleep the next. It was horrible if I was talking to someone and sat down with thinking.

Hope that answers your question. Sorry it took me so long to reply, been doing schoolwork over the weekend.

Hi Alera...

I haven't been here in a while and I am sorry for not checking in with my SR family, but I have no news about when I am going to be admitted for the procedure. I am really not doing to well waiting, as I can barely move at this point...But, to the Nuerontin issue...

I also fall asleep on a dime and it is definitely when I take the Nuerontin as opposed to just the methadone. I was with my folks the other day and my Dad asked me if I wanted to drive his pride and joy 4X4, and I told him no thanks. I am really afraid of smashing up people and vehicles if I drive and fortunately I do not have a car and have no plans or money to get one.

Yeah. I agree with the narcolepsey type syndrome and I hope it disappears when I get this all done...

Thanks for the research and keep up with your schoolwork!

[ksos]

Originally Posted by serenityqueen

ksos,

You have your own not so little fan club going on here, don't you? lol

Do you feel like you're answering fan mail?

Just checking in to see if you've got an admit date yet.

I'm keeping you in my Prayers . . . as always.

Love ya Hon,
Judy

Ah Judy....

Yes, I am very surprised at the popularity of this topic and have truly appreciated the kindness of everyone here...Unfortunately, I wish I had more positve news re: an admission date. I was told that this may take some time, but the good news is the actual pump mechanism was approved as is the hospitalization, which is about three days.

Apparently, it is just a matter of scheduling, and I am somewhat down in the dumps about this not occuring, to be honest. I feel horrible, despite having medication and all of your support and my outside support as well...It is very difficult for me to walk lately and I did not want this to occur, but maybe it just confirmed the need for this procedure.

I definitely will let you know when I am going in...I just hope I can have a say as to the day, since I do have some important things to take care of before the admission, but I am not worried about that stuff quite yet!

Thanks for the prayers, and I feel the support.

[butterflylover]

My thoughts and prayers are with you!!

[ksos]

Hey folks,

Here is the latest news, which is about the same as all the news thus far.

I called my PM MD's office today to check on the status of my surgery and the admission date and, thus far, the process is all, but completed, except I am awaiting the insurance approval.

I asked the person who has been handling this whole thing why is this taking so long, and she said it is up to my insurance. I replied that I was informed that the pump and device were approved, which they were, and she said it is the hospital stay that is pending the approval.

For once, I would love these suits to feel 20 minutes of what I feel. I went out today in Brooklyn's 98 degree heat and was heading to my first NA meeting of the day, and I suddenly felt dizzy and started having palpitations like a panic attack, but I remembered that I haven't had a PA in almost 20 years. I had to turn back, and I felt like crap for missing the meeting. I was so pissed off about this entire situation, but that was it...

I called my sponsor and he said he will come and walk with me tonight to my home meeting, but I just feel like I am losing my strength...I never felt this way before.

I am 6'1 and 220 pounds and before this pancreatitis hit me in 2004, I felt vital, strong, and walked with confidence. Now, I am like an old man--even my Dad at 70 years old, looks better than I do.

I am just really depressed today, but you all make me feel better...Thanks for all the prayers, too.

Love always,

Ksos

[51anna]

Ksos, I think it's probably hitting you hard right now because this is an emotional ride that you are on. You've been waiting for this procedure to happen 'anytime' for quite awhile. And, waiting for something like that, has to be hard. This could be life-altering for you and you're kind of stuck waiting for the bureaucracy.

Hang in there and you'll get through this.

[ksos]

Thanks Anna, for the supportive words, and you are so right about the bureaucracy of this healthcare system we have, although I would probably be dead by now if I lived somewhere else!

I feel a bit better now since I had a very rewarding time with my parents who came in to hot New York to visit me. They have been ultra-supportive of me, although I have admittedly kept them away from this issue since they become very nervous about anything relating to my health. They happen to be very healthy people, and are the type of seniors that one sees on those shows for fitness and nutrition--Thank the Lord for that!

I suppose that the heat of NY, as well as my somewhat isolative lifestyle, sometimes gets me down, too. I am a bit fearful of even making a 30 minute subway trip into NYC for a prescription tomorrow, because I do not know if I can stand the heat. It is expected to be close to 98 degrees here and if anyone has ever traveled the hell tubes of the trains--Man, just thinking about is causing me anxiety!

Ok. One day at a Time. Have to remember that one...

Thanks, Anna, for the usual support!

Ksos

[Alera]

Just dropping by to get the update. Sorry you are still waiting for the insurance to kick in for the actual hospital visit. I'm still praying for you nightly that you will have strength as you continue through this journey.

[ksos]

Originally Posted by Alera

Just dropping by to get the update. Sorry you are still waiting for the insurance to kick in for the actual hospital visit. I'm still praying for you nightly that you will have strength as you continue through this journey.

Hi Alera!

The update so far is the same, although I went to my MD's office and spoke to the kind lady who is "in charge" of obtaining the approval and basically said to her, "I know you are working on this, but I do not know how much longer I can function."

Unfortunately for me, I was dressed in my best suit since I had an interview for a terrific job before, so I did not look the part of the sick patient...It is difficult for me to hide it, but my life is literally in the hands of this woman. I sensed that she is concerned but if it were a relative of hers...One of the staff asked if I were an attending MD working at the hospital--How I wish!

I do think I am going to get news next week and I will be approved and admitted around that time. I just cannot see it lasting much longer.

Thnaks for your prayers of strength for me, Alera, and I believe that they are working, as I was able to make 2 interviews and a few grueling trips in to Manhattan for my interviews...I just pushed myself and I am proud of that...

Always,

Ksos

[Impurrfect]

(((KSOS)))

Thanks for the update. I really hope you get approved and get the procedure done soon.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[Sugah]

Hi, ksos. I just read through this thread and thought I would add my experience to it. I had a morphine pump in 2001. I was not clean at the time, and the reason that it was recommended was that I was up to 80mg of oxycontin every 8 hrs and 2 Vicodin 10mg for breakthrough in between (prescribed). I was going through this and then some, along with other prescription and street drugs.

I only had the pump for a short time, as it was threaded into my spinal column and began to leak, leaving me open to life-threatening infection. The clinic where I had it implanted was four hours away. No other hospital would touch me, so when it began to leak, I had to be taken at 3am to this clinic. I would caution that you have access to the facility where you have the procedure done or have an arrangement that if there are any problems, another, closer facility will be willing to treat you.

This is what mine looked like:



I have had to take opiate pain medication for a short time in recovery. I see that you have a sponsor - I urge you to stay in close contact about any cravings that the drug may awaken in you. I don't understand the brain chemistry behind it, but I know my addict mind. If this brings to you a better quality of life, as I will pray for you that it will, please remember that recovery is a gift to be cherished. I didn't relapse when I had to take pain medication. If you're rigorously honest, and grateful for your recovery - you won't, either.

Have a blessed day.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[ksos]

Originally Posted by Sugah

Hi, ksos. I just read through this thread and thought I would add my experience to it. I had a morphine pump in 2001. I was not clean at the time, and the reason that it was recommended was that I was up to 80mg of oxycontin every 8 hrs and 2 Vicodin 10mg for breakthrough in between (prescribed). I was going through this and then some, along with other prescription and street drugs.

I only had the pump for a short time, as it was threaded into my spinal column and began to leak, leaving me open to life-threatening infection. The clinic where I had it implanted was four hours away. No other hospital would touch me, so when it began to leak, I had to be taken at 3am to this clinic. I would caution that you have access to the facility where you have the procedure done or have an arrangement that if there are any problems, another, closer facility will be willing to treat you.

This is what mine looked like:


I have had to take opiate pain medication for a short time in recovery. I see that you have a sponsor - I urge you to stay in close contact about any cravings that the drug may awaken in you. I don't understand the brain chemistry behind it, but I know my addict mind. If this brings to you a better quality of life, as I will pray for you that it will, please remember that recovery is a gift to be cherished. I didn't relapse when I had to take pain medication. If you're rigorously honest, and grateful for your recovery - you won't, either.

Have a blessed day.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Sugah....

I cannot tell you how much I appreciate what you have shared with me. Please feel free to comment on anything I write, so I can see the entire picture from a patient's POV. You probably can imagine how grateful I am for this unique feedback. Okay, let me tell you some facts about my pain situation as well as my distance from my Pain MD's clinic and the hospital he works out of;

His office is 15 minutes away from my residence by subway.

The Hospital is 25 minutes away from residence by subway.

I do not use any illicit drugs at this time. However, I was in full active addiction prior to my 2004 hospitalization for my first attack of Pancreatitis. My primary DOC's are opiates, particularly Heroin, Oxycontin, Percocet, Hydrocodone, actually-- name an opiate and it is in my primary DOC class. I also used to be addicted to barbituates like Phenobarbital, Seconal, and Tuinal. I also need to say that I have used cocaine and marijuana, but do not consider them my drugs of choice, but I would use them. I just want you to know my history in a brief way. Believe it or not, I never was a drinker of alcohol.

After my hospitalization for pancreatitis, I was referred for pain management and have been with the same Pain MD for over 4 years. He is aware of my substance abuse history and works very closely with his colleague and another provider of service to me, an excellent addictionologist who is also an MD, but never prescribes anything to me. He does work with me on substance abuse issues which arose several months ago when I was reporting higher levels of pain to get more methadone than I needed. I was put on a contract at that point, have toxicology performed every month now, and cannot get scripts "phoned" in to the pharmacy, which he used to do, actually.

Currently, I am actively involved with N.A., attend 2 meetings a day, and have a sponsor with whom I work very closely with. In terms of my medication that is prescribed by my Pain Doc, I am maintained on 120 mg of Methadone In addition, I also take 3600 mg of Nuerontin for pain control as well. As you may know, I am awaiting my insurance to approve the procedure, which sounds exactly like yours, and, to be honest with you, that picture freaked me out. I knew it was not going to be a bed of roses, Sug, but I am a bit scared of what you told me happened to you.

When you say that the "drug may reawaken cravings," are you referring to the morphine as opposed to my current medication? Or were you thinking I was not on methadone and Nuerontin? I am just a bit worried if Morphine will trigger my urge to use since I will be removed from the methadone and Nuerontin--which is why I have to stay in the hospital for three days--I imagined it was to deal with titrating the medications as well as to see if the pump worked.

Also, did you say that you still needed to take narcotic meds, even after the pump was put in?

Let me just say, and words mean nothing, but I do not have a "clean date" as of now. I do not feel "clean", even though I now take the medication as prescribed.

I am looking at this pump in terms of establishing a mechanism that I cannot control, but that will control my pain to the best of its ability. Once I am on the pump, I will put in my new clean date--which will be the first day that I am not in control of how many pills I can take...I know it may sound weird, but I just need to have drugs taken out of my life, and since I am a pain patient, I need pain meds, and I can accept that. I just want it to be out of my hands, so to speak, and I do not have to think about it...

Am I crazy for thinking this way?

Thank you so much for sharing this experience with me, Sugah. You really have opened my eyes to many things that I did not think about.

Always in gratitude,

Ksos

[ksos]

Originally Posted by Impurrfect

(((KSOS)))

Thanks for the update. I really hope you get approved and get the procedure done soon.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Whew! Hey Amy...How are you doing, my dear? Oh, I wish you were my insurance approver : )

I am blown away by Sugah's post, which I think really helped me truly understand Recovery in the context of Pain Management. I feel that once the procedure is done, I will return to work!

I had two wonderful job interviews this week, the one yesterday was one of the best interviews I ever had, but it will be a tough job. I must be 100% better than I am now to do any work, let alone a directorship, which was more pre-destructive occupation, so to speak!

((((Hugs))))

Ksos

[Impurrfect]

So glad the interviews are going well...good luck!

I'm glad sugah posted....I have learned SOOOO much from her since I've been here!

BTW...I totally understand about the clean date in your situation. I think some people would say you could already say you're "clean" because you are only using what's prescribed, but I would think the same way you do.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[ksos]

Originally Posted by Impurrfect

So glad the interviews are going well...good luck!

I'm glad sugah posted....I have learned SOOOO much from her since I've been here!

BTW...I totally understand about the clean date in your situation. I think some people would say you could already say you're "clean" because you are only using what's prescribed, but I would think the same way you do.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Hi Amy!

Sugah rocks and I never really tell her, but I will say it now! You rock, too!

It does bother me that I have no established "clean time" but you know what I mean. I feel like it is so ambiguous when one is taking all the pills that I do each day. For some reason, it will feel more like Recovery when the medication is administered by a medical procedure that I cannot access.

I do not know if I can say it any better than that? Nevertheless, I am happy that you get my drift...I used to have June 3rd, 2003 as my first clean date here on SR, and I worked really hard in the three months I did have when I first began posting--which actually was primarily on the Mental Health forums.

I learned so much today that my head is vibrating, but in a positive manner. I hope that you are staying well, too!

[Impurrfect]

Oh, yeah, Sugah rocks!!!

I'm doing okay. Trying to find another job. It sucks...have a degree as an RN but can't do it thanks to my drug use. Then there's the 2 year gap between nursing jobs and working as a waitress...doesn't take much to figure THAT one out!

Checking into other career options, possibly going back to school online if I can get financial aid.

BUT, I'm alive, clean, and that makes everything okay!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[ksos]

Hi Amy...

Actually, I was wondering about the nursing situation since I am also a healthcare professional who, by the luck of the draw, was not reported to the licensing board for practicing under the infuence...

I won't ask you about your situation here, and you are right on! You have your life, you are clean, and you are probably--no, definitely a better person for that!

I was married to a nurse who subsequently became an adult nurse practitioner and I received the attorney's letter of her intent to file for divorce on the exact day when she received her Masters'. How fitting, I thought to meself, as I wrote the last check out of my check book for half of her massive student loans, and reflected over the three degrees she obtained while lying to me about everything!

However, I am a fan of nurses, so do not think that my experience with this %^^$%@ would sully my opinion of you, my firend!

Online courses are terrific, btw. I know of a Masters' level Psychologist who is actually finishing her Psy.D from an accredited school of psychology in Arizona.

Amy, also there are very clever ways in which you can deal with gaps in one's resume--although I share that same problem and I know it is so hard...

We can always talk at another time and place about these particular commonalities...Actually, that is a heck of an idea for yet another new forum for SR!

((((Hugs))))

Ksos

[Impurrfect]

I was going to pm you my e-mail address, but it says you have chosen not to receive pm's. PM me if you want it. I have a few friends here who are in either the nursing or some other medical profession and it never hurts to network to get ideas.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[ksos]

Originally Posted by Impurrfect

I was going to pm you my e-mail address, but it says you have chosen not to receive pm's. PM me if you want it. I have a few friends here who are in either the nursing or some other medical profession and it never hurts to network to get ideas.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Amy...

You are not the first to have told me this issue with the pm...I have to first request you as a friend, I think, and then, you need to respond, I think, and then we can open the doors to communication via the pm mechanism...

I will do this now, and if I can, I would like to simply make the pm thing work normally, since a couple of nice people have informed me of this...I shall return!

Ksos

[Sugah]

ksos, I'm glad that my post wasn't taken the wrong way. I hesitated in making it, because as I said, I was not, nor did I desire to be in recovery at the time. I was riding the "Oh, look at poor me" bus at the time, living with an addict, and the worse my physical condition became, the more guilty and obligated he felt towards me. I used my condition as an excuse to never have to do anything positive in my life. Though I wasn't dying from my condition, folks around me treated me like I was - and would excuse any behavior in me because of it. In other words, my state at the time I had the pump was the exact opposite of where you're trying to be. But, I did have it and I saw that no one else had shared first-hand experience, so I posted anyway. I didn't find the desire to get clean for more than a year after I had the pump removed.

I know that the picture is a little freaky - I hesitated in posting that, too - and I hope I didn't give you more information than you were looking for. I had to go dig that picture up, as it's been so long ago, I didn't know if I still had it. Remember that this procedure was done in 2001 -- and it may not be done that same way now. The line entered under that horizontal patch at the bottom, threaded under the skin to the spine, then from there, the catheter was threaded behind the spinal cord. It provided a constant drip of lidocaine and morphine so that I didn't feel the pain in my legs. I did take meds for breakthrough, and I had a button that would allow me a controlled extra dose. I wore the control module, along with an I.V. bag, in a fanny pack around my waist. One last caution I would have for you: when you get it, don't ever let the bag run dry. I did it once in my sleep, and I could not move for the pain when I woke up.

I also forgot to mention that I had several attacks of pancreatitis, though mine was nowhere near what you live with. It started about nine months later (after the pump) and the last serious attack I had was when I was in rehab (Nov. 2002). I had to modify my diet and take enzymes for a long time, but today, it's apparently okay, as I haven't had any more symptoms - and I eat what I want now. I don't want to offer false hope. I know the pancreas doesn't regenerate like the liver - and I'm assuming that the undamaged part of my pancreas was enough that I can now live normally.

I try to refrain from offering E, S & H for certain chronic pain conditions because - well, I just don't know what I'm talking about! Mine are all bone, muscle and nerve conditions (RSD, FMS, RA, Osteoarthritis, Osteoporosis, and Scoliosis - you can see part of my curve in the pic above). I am the world's biggest baby when it comes to abdominal pain. Whereas I can deal with inflamed joints and spasming muscles, a bout of stomach flu will have me crying that it's the end of the world. I can't imagine, knowing what an pancreatitis attack feels like, what you must go through on a daily basis.

I'll keep you in my prayers, ksos. If you disappear for three days, then we know you're on your way, yes?

Peace & Love,
Sugah

P.S. Please ease up on the "you rock" stuff. I blush very, very easily!!

[ksos]

Sugah....

Okay, okay...No more of the "rock" stuff, but let me say to you that your post about the experience you had, certainly helped me understand the 'ESH aspect of this--for you...as well as for me, in a way.

Actually, the picture was not "freaky" at all. I was just so appreciative that someone would take the time to share their own experience with this type of process with me, and just further made me feel cared about as a human being....Sorry! No blushing intended...but it was cool of you to share, okay?

If I am not here for three days, I promise I will leave word on this thread, since I know how I feel when people sort of "drop out" for a spell. The worst things come to my mind--I guess I remember when I dropped away and came back here...5 years later!

Ugh! Now it is pouring outside!

Always,

Ksos

[nandm]

Originally Posted by Impurrfect

Oh, yeah, Sugah rocks!!!

I'm doing okay. Trying to find another job. It sucks...have a degree as an RN but can't do it thanks to my drug use. Then there's the 2 year gap between nursing jobs and working as a waitress...doesn't take much to figure THAT one out!

Checking into other career options, possibly going back to school online if I can get financial aid.

BUT, I'm alive, clean, and that makes everything okay!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Amy, I too am a nurse. Have been for 20 years. 12 of that I spent also working as a paramedic. I have not nursed for 2 years now. Although my stopping nursing was not due to my addiction as I have been sober over 7 years. My is due to PTSD. But what I have found is that I can look at it as a positive or negative thing. I can be angry at myself for the insanity of being able to make over $30/hr anywhere as a nurse but my head not allowing me to or I can view it as I now have the opportunity to pursue my dreams and other options in life. I do occassionally wind up in the frustration of not being able to make that kind of money but then I remind myself that happiness is not made by money it comes from inside us.

I realize though that it sounds like you still would like to do nursing. You might consider just trying honesty with your future employer. If your previous references or personal references especially recent ones are good then you still might have a shot at the job. You might even say that you are willing to work on a contingency basis and take drug test on a regular basis if they would like. There are also many positions that do not deal with handling many meds. There are nurse manager positions, dialysis nursing, nursing home nursing (many times the med aides handle the meds), home health nursing, etc.... Nursing is a solid career, pays well, always has a shortage so your chances of finding an employer who will take a chance on you is pretty good.

I wish you the best of luck and hope that no matter what you choose to do you find it to be a positive thing in your life.

Judith

[ksos]

To Judith and Amy,

Is there an organization called "SPAN" that is sort of set up for nurses that have experienced substance use issues or other on the job truama? I have a feeling I've asked this question before, and I suppose I can just 'google' it...

Now, I have this wonderful new, but old idea for "Recovery and the Helping Professional". Talk about something that is a necessity...and perfect for an online forum.

K-

[Alera]

Here is a good article on SPAN:
"Recovery is not something you get over" | February 2007 | New York Nurse | NYS Nurses Association

There are SPAN groups in 33 states.