Friday Funnies

[Gabe]

TGIF y'all!!

[cwohio]

[Gabe]

[cwohio]

trouble is the suckers don't last long enough to matter - just long enough to be annoying!

[cwohio]

[best]

Originally Posted by Gabe

Printed this

If my wife tries to hit me its your fault *LOL*

brb...going to hide the fry pan *LOL*

[cwohio]

ooo best - hope your medical insurance is paid up!

[Gabe]

They were doing a segment on the radio the other day on funny street names.
Two of the more memorable ones were...
Psycho Path
and
Aweema Way

[cwohio]

*in the jungle, the mighty jungle....*

[indigo]

One for some of the ladies

[nocellphone]

For your Friday (or anytime) amusement, please allow me to present my new favorite comedian---Mitch Hedberg!

It is a bittersweet but appropriate introduction, as Mitch was taken from us in 2005 by the disease of addiction. While there is nothing sadder for me than the needless, completely avoidable loss of a life to this disease, I am a firm believer that humor aids healing. I hope that you will find laughter and healing from all that troubles you today... Perhaps Mitch can help.

Mitch Hedberg stand-up video clip

Some quotes from Mitch (ok, many quotes...):

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

I bought myself a parrot. The parrot talked. But it did not say, "I'm hungry,"... so it died.

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. "Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here."

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone. The dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, "Shoot! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!"

I think a rotisserie is like a really morbid ferris wheel for chickens. It's a strange piece of machinery... "We will take the chicken, kill it, impale it, and then rotate it. And I'll be damned if I'm not hungry! Because spinning chicken carcasses make my mouth water! I like dizzy chicken. With a side of potatoes of some sort."

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

Yeah, I'm not into sports. If I had athlete's foot, my first reaction would be, "That's not my f#@!ing foot!"

I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk. I said, "Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I will tip you over."

I was in a bus once, it was in the middle of the night, and I had a box of crackers and a can of Easy Cheese. It was dark, and it was a surprise how much cheese I had applied on each cracker. That's why they should have a glow-in-the-dark version of Easy Cheese. It's not like the product has any integrity to begin with. If you buy a room-temperature cheese that you squeeze out of a can, you probably won't get mad because it glows in the dark too.

I make instant oatmeal in the morning then I don't do sh!t for an hour. Makes me wonder why I need the instant oatmeal. I could make the regular oatmeal and feel productive.

The flap on the inside of the vending machine is a great invention. Before that, it was hard times for the vending machine owner. "Hey, which candy bar are you getting?" "That one...and every one on the bottom row!"

I used to buy a lot of M&Ms, they're a delicious candy. But then I switched to aspirin. I find that if you hand your friend two aspirin, he doesn't think that you're selfish.

I like the hotels that have the rotating restaurants, you know? I've never been in a rotating restaurant, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, I put her on it, and I gave her a burrito.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1000 of something is too many. I'll have 1000 pieces of noodle.

I'm at a hotel room and my friend comes over and he says, "Can I use the phone?" I said, "Certainly." He said, "Do I need to dial nine?" "Yeah, especially if it's in the number. You can try hitting four and five back to back real quick."

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.

I saw a billboard for the lottery. It said, "Estimated lottery jackpot 55 million dollars." I did not know that was estimated. That would suck if you won and they said, "Oh, we were off by two zeroes. We estimate that you are angry!"

Every time I go and shave, I assume there is somebody else on the planet shaving as well, so I say "I'm gonna go shave... too."

I wanna see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It would be so damn literal! "You're using that machine to its exact specification! That machine has been misunderstood for years."

Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out flyers. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it's kinda like they're saying, "Here, YOU throw this away."

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

I did comedy for a fundraiser once. We were trying to raise money to buy one of those machines that shows how much money has been raised.

[Jazzman]

Honey I'm home!

[Gabe]

[cwohio]

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs

NC - what a hoot - sorry to hear of his passing! thanks for adding to our friday funnies!


jazz - it's about time you showed up dude!

[Jazzman]

oops, I guess that one was a little over the edge!
sowwy

[nocellphone]

From The Onion, a horoscope for you (if you're a Leo... or if your name is Leo... one of those, anyway):

Leo--July 23-Aug 22

You will soon discover that your home's fire escape plan, although seemingly effective, fails to take fire into account.

[Jazzman]

Maybe this one won't get yanked... maybe..

http://www.falarious.com/html/In-The-Bathroom.html

[Jazzman]

Just a normal NASCAR fan

[Gabe]

Why Jazz...did you offend the censoring committee?
Color me unsurprised.

[Jazzman]

It was a naked guy hanging outside an apartment window. You could see his butt from a distance w/ the caption "Honey I'm home".

It was nudity.. from a distance.. but nudity still. Sorry!

Actually I think the hairy back is much more offensive

[abtchonamission]

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