123 Reasons to Love New York Right Now

[Ba Ba Oreilley]

Given the bitter weather and the spectacularly frustrating transit strike, this week’s New York provides a much needed warm fuzzy with its “123 Reasons to Love New York Right Now� cover story. After all, we all sometimes need a reminder as to why we put up with the bullsh!t.

Alas, as we read the piece and grew infected with the warm glow of lust for NYC, we realized that there was a lot missing from the listicle. Sure, we love Central Park and squirrels and fancy shoes, but those things don’t really get to the heart of why we adore New York so totally and completely. In fact, we can think of 123 completely different reasons to love New York, all of which make a bit more sense to us. After the jump, Gawker’s 123 Reasons to Love New York Right Now.

1. Because we scorn the fat.

2. Because we can drink until 4 AM.

3. Because we have our drugs delivered to our doors.

4. Because all we have to do is walk down the street in order to be propositioned for sex.

5. Because we get to push tourists if we’re late for work.

6. Because we only pretend to recycle.

7. Because Tompkins Square park is still friendly to junkies.

8. Because whether you make $50k or $200k, you’re still “middle class.�

9. Because “phuck� is intrinsic to our local dialect.

10. Because there’s a Starbucks on every block.

11. Because you can get anything you want on Craigslist.

12. Because Anderson Cooper.

13. Because our restaurants are so cramped, we can hear if our neighbor is being an a$$hole.

14. Because you can live in the same place for 10 years and never have to see or meet your neighbors

15. Because a pink paper like the New York Observer can survive.

16. Because assistants.

17. Because everyone’s Gay.

18. Because we can make someone like Blackface Jesus into a celebrity.

19. Because sometimes it smells like maple syrup.

20. Because there’s always a secret room behind the VIP room.

21. Because we can get fake TiVo for $9.95/mo.

22. Because our tabloids are considered newspapers.

23. Because the transit strike keeps us from really working.

24. Because Jocelyn Wildenstein exists.

25. Because you can go to the East Village Baths and not get raped.

26. Because David Cross’s imposters live here.

27. Because Brooklyn is for domesticating.

28. Because i-bankers and hipsters can peacefully coexist.

29. Because there’s always a free drink available somewhere.

30. Because we know Sex and the City is a crock of shite.

31. Because we know Friends is a crock of shite.

32. Because it only takes $30 million to launch and burn a magazine.

33. Because we think Vitamin Water is a real beverage.

34. Because we never have to shovel snow (unless it’s coke).

35. Because we all know we’re actually better than Tinsley Mortimer.

36. Because “road trip� just means Ikea.

37. Because even Lenny Kravitz’s toilet gets clogged.

38. Because smoking is encouraged.

39. Because we only have one mall, and it’s not any good anyhow.

40. Because people read.

41. Because we invented PNP.

42. Because words like Otto Tootsie Plohound make sense to us.

43. Because we eat McDonald’s ironically.

44. Because ANYONE can lie to Page Six.

45. Because Jews.

46. Because you can take a dump at the Apple Store.

47. Because you can buy anything, even a stolen baby.

48. Because mani/pedis are affordable.

49. Because George Whipple.

50. Because our public opinion can turn on a dime.

51. Because real estate is a professional sport.

52. Because only black is the new black.

53. Because it’s acceptable to Shoot the Freak.

54. Because our pigeons have rabies.

55. Because Conde Nasties don’t threaten our food supply.

56. Because anyone can get into Soho House and see that it’s nothing.

57. Because everyone’s got a blog.

58. Because Paris Hilton moved to Los Angeles.

59. Because Bloomberg has that adorable bald spot.

60. Because it’s easy to stalk famous people.

61. Because everyone you know has slept with one another.

62. Because Woody Allen is allowed.

63. Because Fresh Direct has every single product’s nutritional info on its website.

64. Because Peter Braunstein stabbed himself in the neck.

65. Because we have a looser definition of substance abuse.

66. Because everyone has a cat or a book deal.

67. Because you only need a Village Voice to get a chick with a *****.

68. Because anybody can be a DJ.

69. Because even if you can only play “Wish You Were Here� on the guitar, you can make a few bucks at a subway station.

70. Because Robin Byrd.

71. Because everybody knows the 1-800-Mattress song.

72. Because sometimes it’s just fun to give tourists wrong directions.

73. Because you can buy live jellyfish from a wooden box in Chinatown.

74. Because your parents love to come visit and pay for dinner.

75. Because your parents don’t love to come visit.

76. Because you can walk down the street and fart and nobody will notice.

77. Because if you want a cat, you can walk into any deli and just steal one.

78. Because you can do your Sunday morning walk of shame undetected.

79. Because Teen Vogue is only $1.99.

80. Because fifth floor walk-up apartments are great for the glutes.

81. Because nobody uses condoms anymore.

82. Because Dr. Zizmor is a celebrity.

83. Because you can drop a penny in an empty water jug and make some dude’s day.

84. Because everyone looks like shite in the morning.

85. Because there’s such a thing as $300 sushi.

86. Because you can be a gay man and reasonably keep both a wife and a boyfriend.

87. Because bagels.

88. Because there’s just enough Brits around to keep us speaking proper English.

89. Because we worship high fashion in collapsible tents.

90. Because vegetarians keep to themselves.

91. Because our knock-offs are often better than the real thing.

92. Because there’s always someone naked in Times Square.

93. Because the New York Press is still trying.

94. Because your cab driver is probably more interesting than you are.

95. Because you can get mustard on everything.

96. Because it’s perfectly fine to answer your phone mid-sentence.

97. Because H&M: Our Gap is Eurotrash on purpose.

98. Because we don’t stand in line, we stand on it.

99. Because we tolerate the New York Sun.

100. Because gift bags.

101. Because you can ride the Staten Island ferry all day at only the cost of your stomach.

102. Because “summer� really does make sense as a verb.

103. Because we know what “new bar smell� is, but not “new car smell.�

104. Because 666-6666 has nothing to do with Satan. Technically.

105. Because even your intern has an intern.

106. Because only old people have land lines.

107. Because parts of Central Park still smell like a poopy country farmyard.

108. Because you can make a career out of being Amanda Lepore.

109. Because everyone drinks at brunch.

110. Because our tap water won’t kill you.

111. Because it’s easy to steal wifi.

112. Because as much as you hate it, Rockefeller Center is still kind of neat.

113. Because city kids have been there and done that before you even got here.

114. Because everyone’s painfully human, even the staff of the New York Times.

115. Because used clothes cost more than new ones.

116. Because we’d rather be emaciated than healthy.

117. Because in one morning, you can look like a jackass in the background of four different morning shows.

118. Because it’s perfectly acceptable to give the finger to anyone at any time.

119. Because the smell is concentrated in Chinatown.

120. Because doing your own laundry is for rich suckers.

121. Because you can buy Vagisil at the bodega at 4 AM.

122. Because we keep Jersey at arm’s length.

123. Because we gave silly Adam Moss a job.