New Barbies from Mattel

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Mattel recently announced the release of Limited-Edition Barbie dolls for the Houston Metro market:

Galleria Barbie: This princess Barbie is only sold in Uptown Park. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a longhaired foreign dog named Honey, and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. NOTE: Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with "augmented" version.

Sugar Land Barbie: This modern-day homemaker Barbie is availabl e with Ford Windstar minivan and matching velour gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone sold separately.

Greenspoint Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9 mm handgun, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab kit. This model is only available after dark and can only be paid for in cash, preferably small, untraceable bills.

The Woodlands Barbie: This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included is her own Starbucks cup, credit card, and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.

Friendswood Barbie: Short, highly tanned and ready to land a husband, we meant "get an education." Comes with standard issue UT shorts with "U of T" printed largely on the butt. Also comes wearing latest "themed" sorority party T-shirt, hair in pony tail and a gaggle of similar looking friends, each carrying the latest in "knock off" Kate Spade bags. Honda Civic, undecided major. Drunken backward hat and Frat Ken sold separately.

Dickinson/Texas City/Santa Fe/Splendora Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams, Jr., CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a Confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

Clear Lake Barbie: This collagen injected, rhino-plastic Barbie wears a leopard print spandex outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends on her boat. Percocet prescription available.

Pasadena Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Baytown Barbie's (discontinued) house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.

West University Barbie: This doll is made of actual tofu. & nbsp;She has long straight faded blue hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow." She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two West U Barbies, and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker for free.

Sharpstown Barbie: This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his '79 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

Harrisburg/Navigation Barbie: This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired temporary plates and three baby Skippers in the back seat, but no car seats. The optional Ken doll comes with a cowboy hat, shovel and work gloves. Ken comes with his own 1979 Ford pickup with a Telemundo bumper sticker, tinted windows, and Our Lady of Guadalupe rear window stickers. Truck is painted primer gray, but wheels and rims are not available. Comes with cement blocks. Green cards are not available for Navigation Barbie or Ken.

Montrose Barbie/Ken: This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple "snap-on" parts.

River Oaks Barbie: This sophisticated Barbie comes with oversized diamond ring, martini glass (always full) and Mercedes Benz. A $6M River Oaks Mansion and chauffeur are also available.

Spring Barbie: Cousin to the Sugar Land Barbie, this Barbie comes complete with Ken, Skipper and Scrapper, and mutt. Only ambitions are to finish hig h school and start a family. Longs to be just like The Woodlands Barbie, but just can't cross the tracks.