Why english teachers retire early...

[Aquiana]

Subject: Fw: Why english teachers retire early
>
> Purported ACTUAL analogies and metaphors found
> in high school essays.
>
> 1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle
> that had its two sides
> gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
>
> 2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and
> breaking alliances like
> underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
>
> 3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come
> from experience, like a
> guy who went blind because he looked at a solar
> eclipse without one of
> those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes
> around the country
> speaking at high schools about the dangers of
> looking at a solar eclipse
> without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
>
> 4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E.
> coli and he was
> room-temperature Canadian beef.
>
> 5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like
> that sound a dog makes
> just before it throws up.
>
> 6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
>
> 7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
>
> 8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years
> had disintegrated
> because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude
> shock, like a surcharge
> at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
>
> 9. The little boat gently drifted across the
> pond exactly the way a
> bowling ball wouldn't.
>
> 10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the
> pavement like a Hefty bag
> filled with vegetable soup.
>
> 11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The
> whole scene had an eerie,
> surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in
> another city and
> Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
>
> 12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose
> hair after a sneeze.
>
> 13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement,
> just like maggots when you
> fry them in hot grease.
>
> 14. Long separated by cruel fate, the
> star-crossed lovers raced across
> the grassy field toward each other like two
> freight trains, one having
> left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph,
> the other from Topeka
> at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
>
> 15. They lived in a typical suburban
> neighborhood with picket fences
> that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth
>
> 16. John and Mary had never met. They were like
> two hummingbirds who had
> also never met.
>
> 17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob
> informant and she was the
> East River.
>
> 18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a
> mind like a steel trap,
> only one that had been left out so long, it had
> rusted shut.
>
> 19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
>
> 20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law
> Phil. But unlike Phil,
> this plan just might work.
>
> 21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the
> kind you get from not
> eating for a while.
>
> 22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the
> metaphorical lame duck, either,
> but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe
> from stepping on a land
> mine or something.
>
> 23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and
> extended one slender leg
> behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
>
> 24. It was an American tradition, like fathers
> chasing kids around with
> power tools.
>
> 25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he
> thought he heard bells, as
> if she were a garbage truck backing up.
>
> 26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they
> had forgotten to put in
> any pH cleanser.
>
> 27. She walked into my office like a centipede
> with 98 missing legs.
>
> 28. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you
> accidentally staple it
> to the wall.

[CAPTAINZING2000]

someone had to sit down and think of this

[mew2]

Originally Posted by Aquiana

> 20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law
> Phil. But unlike Phil,
> this plan just might work..

my brother in law is like this!!! i do like this quote! A+ in my Book!

[ted]

I ACTUALLY LAUGHED