Hey These R Still Better Then Bein Drunk

[CAPTAINZING2000]

UncleBa's Story Time

Alcohol Induced Brainiacs???


Theory: The more you drink the brighter, cleaver and funnier you become. Your senses are heightened, beauty enhanced and athletic prowess increases ten fold.


Tim Johnson is trying to get home. It's over 600 miles and he has only $53.22 to his name: the airline ticket is $131 and the bus fare is $99.99. This problem needs deep thought so he immediately goes to Kabamm's Bar and Grill for happy hour (2 for 1 beers) and consumes about.....Well.....$53.22 worth of suds.

As he finishes a plan formulates. He stumbles out to the interstate and starts to hitch hike. Unfortunately, because he keeps falling down no one will pick him up and it's now 11:30 P.M. Wait!! Another even better idea is hatched.

He takes off his shirt, pants and shoes and starts to do sit-ups in the middle of the highway. His inner voice confirms that once people see how normal he is they will gladly give him a ride.

A number of inconsiderate motorists nearly hit him but finally a car pulls over. It's not what he expected.

State trooper Jim Durkin listens intensely to his story only interrupting to ask clarification questions. Once he completes, he is arrested and dropped off at detox. Once sober he is court ordered to the county psychiatric ward for evaluation.

Obviously they didn't fully understand his insightful homebound plan.

Katy Binger, an out of work donut filler, and a member of girls that are constantly drunk, had spent her last unemployment check betting on "Always a Winner" (A 200 to 1 shot) at the Belmont Horse Track. It died of a cerebral hemorrhage rounding the first turn.

She was being evicted from her mobile home and desperately needed a solution to her money problems but couldn't afford the liquor needed to energize her thought processes. Fortunately, she knew where she could get a half-gallon of "Thunerbolt Vodka" free but it wouldn't be easy.

She grabbed a shovel and went to St. Boniface cemetery and dug up her ex-boyfriend's, Tony Caidone, grave.

He had died six years previous while trying to steal a rare Siberian Tiger cub to resell on the black marker. Apparently, its' mother didn't want her baby put up for adoption. What was left of him was found by the Zookeeper the following morning.

At his funeral, Katy had put his favorite liquor ($4.95/gallon) in his coffin. She now had no choice but to reclaim it to help in this emergency.

Shortly after arriving home with her bounty there was a knock at her door. A neighbor recently released from lock-up stopped by to say hello. Seeing a money opportunity she offers to pour him a drink for $1.00.

After he leaves she staggers to the local convenience store and buys one lottery ticket. The next evening she wins the $4,000,000 state lottery.

She immediately moves into a double sized trailer and gives the balance of her winning to her ex-boyfriend's brother to invest. He absconds with the money.

She is once again broke but no worries.....She still has her shovel.

A story from a Mississippi Jail tells of the length a person will go to prove their innocence. Johnny Daves was incarcerated and waiting to go to trial when he escaped in the early morning laundry truck.

He jumped out when it hit town and immediately went to the supermarket and bought a case of beer. He then hid in the afternoon garbage truck and once back inside the jail he quickly went to his cell.

He stayed up all night drinking and thinking. The next morning he was.


........ordered to appear before the local Judge who dismissed his case because the real criminal was caught.

This would have been the happy ending except the empty beer cans were discovered and he received a six-month sentence for his escape.

Remember the cliché, "Don't drink and watch movies".....Ok.....You don't but two gentlemen are now believers.

A twenty two year old licensed pilot was viewing Tom Cruise in the air force flick "Top Gun" when he realized he could fly better than anyone he knew. At 1:20 A.M., on his way to return the movie rental he decides to show the world his aeronautical ability.

He breaks into the local airport and borrows a single engine piper cub and flies around the city. He even goes under its' tallest bridge. He has totally impressed himself but the air force has been notified of an unauthorized plane.

Within minutes, two F-16 jets order him down or they will shoot him out of the sky. If he lands at Wentagon air field he will get arrested. What to do?

Fortunately, he was still drunk enough to be inspired. He puts the plane down on a desolate country rode outside of town. He would have gotten away free except he left the movie rental in the piper cub.

Then out of North Dakota we hear that Donny Taner was watching the disaster movie "Day after Tomorrow" while slamming many, many brews. As he told police later, "I thought I could easily control it.....I just wanted to test my nerve".

Mr. Taner decided to light some couch cushions on fire to see how easy they could be put out. Unsuccessful, his house and sixteen others burned to the ground. He will be spending the next eight years in prison analyzing what exactly went wrong with his disaster plan.

Then there are those that just drink too much, inhibiting their genius.

In Sweden, a man was arrested for D.W.I. After finger printing he was allowed to leave. Rather than take a taxi home he took it back to his car.

A police officer in a tow truck sent to impound the felon's car finishes the story. "We were about four miles from the car when I saw a vehicle speeding towards us in the opposite lane. At first I thought the driver had his head out outside the window, smiling at me with a cigar in his mouth. It turned out he had dropped his pants and was mooning me while taking a poo".

He was once again arrested but the case was later dismissed. It seems that the Jury, once they heard of the defendant's actions, couldn't stop laughing.

A student at a southern California College came home late on a Friday night to find a burglar passed out on the floor. He had obviously climbed through a window and moved her TV, stereo and jewelry near the door. Instead of leaving he checked the refrigerator and finished all her beer and leftover Chinese food.

He then went through her closets and put on her clothes (her spring formal dress, 3 inch heels and black nylons) and makeup. The authorities had to carry him out. One neighbor commented, "He looked like Tammy Fay Baker....well.....maybe not that bad".

An Albania resident tried an interesting way to get out of a D.W.I charge. A Ms.Jenna Ogliz put in a full evening of heavy drinking at a local tavern and was so whacked that she decided to..............
.......drive home because she could barely walk.

She started her SUV and drove approximately 82 feet hitting four parked cars. When the police pulled her over she thought of an ingenious plan. She exited her car and started a strip tease. Once completed she was arrested.

Her whole act was caught on the police car's video. She was found guilty and was fined $2,800 and had to pay for repairs to the damaged vehicles.

Insofar as the tape, the judge has kept it for further evaluation.

In a northern European country a union leader was found guilty of embezzlement. It all started because he had the misfortune of having to tell more than thirty percent of his membership that they would be laid off because of lack of business.

He was very upset and needed to think of a solution so he drove to a legal brothel and drank enough to kill a small army. He also paid for all drinks for the 32 working women at the establishment. His bill for liquor plus gratis was $83,681 which he charged to his union.

He probably could have gotten away with this expense but he was questioned as to an addition charge of $32,806 that made the headlines. He had bought a diamond-encrusted whip displaying his personal monogram.

At his trial he explained, "I was very depressed and suicidal so in desperation I bought the whip. I felt so guilty about the employees loosing their jobs that only receiving a good stout flogging would help me mentally before I did something self destructive".

The court didn't fell his "cure" was psychiatrially based and he was sentenced to three years.

Many times excessive drinking can lead to violence.

A Vietnamese man was rushed to the hospital with multiple knife wounds. Earlier that day he was paid his weekly salary and rather than go home he did as he always did, spent most of it at a bar.

He went from shy to smart to just plain mean. He arrived home, walked in the door, unzipped his pants and grabbed his wife by the hair demanding immediate sex.

His spouse had had eighteen years of his drunken abuse and decided to end it once and for all. She grabbed her vegetable knife and stabbed him eleven times (A lucky Number?) in his Penis (OUCH!!!!).

After his release from the hospital he changed completely. He no longer drinks and sleeps with one eye open for fear of being Bobbited.

A headline story out of Russia has airline personnel around the world cheering.

There isn't a stewardess who hasn't had to deal with a drunken passenger but on this flight things were reversed. The crew was hammered. As one passenger later commented, "They dropped most of the food they were serving on the floor......It looked like feeding time at a fraternity".

One complaining customer demanded to be served by a sober crew member. Since there weren't any, they did the next best thing. They threw him an incredible beating.

Things were going from bad to insane. The employees were charging double for drinks and then pocketing the money. Fight attendants wearing airsick bags on their heads, to hide their identity, mugged eight people on the way to the bathroom.

Many of the victims now question the sincerity of the airline's slogan, "Your Comfort Is Our Top Priority".

NOW THEN IT'S STILL BETTER THEN JAIL RIGHT???????







........

[Time2Surrender]

At one time I actually thought like some of those people.

[CAPTAINZING2000]

Hey buddy we're only 1 drink away