seen on cars that pass me by::::::::::::::::

[CAPTAINZING2000]

Funny Bumper Sticker Quotes:
Caution: I drive like you do!
Strangers have the best candy
Save the Earth, it's the only planet with Chocolate
No, I don't have PMS. I just really hate you.
My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it's gone
I didn't ask to be a princess but if the crown fits...
I'm a cruel and heartless bitch but I’m damn good at it
I brake for scholars, priests, and no apparent reason
Stupidity is not a crime so you’re free to go
" I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth!"
" Watch out for the idiot behind me!"
Moooooove, I'm trying to speed!
Buckle up... it makes it harder for the aliens to suck you out of your car
I break for........................OH **** NO BRAKES
There are 2 types of pedestrians, the quick and the dead.
Learn from your parent’s mistakes use birth control
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
All men are idiots, and I married their king.
Friends help you move; real friends help you move the body.
Very funny Scotty; now beam down my clothes
Low riders are for little boys who can't get it up.
Saw it, wanted it, threw a fit, Got It!!
Want to get laid? Crawl up a chicken's a$$ and wait!
Mothers with teenagers know why animals eat their young
We're not old people we're recycled teenagers!
If you're rich, I’m single!
IF THIS STICKER IS GETTING SMALLER, THE LIGHT IS PROBABLY GREEN
YOUR TURN SIGNAL IS STILL ON
IT'S IMPOLITE TO STARE
U.S.M.C. UNCLE SAMS MISGUIDED CHILDREN
Eternity: Smoking or Non-Smoking?
I wasn't born a bitch; men like you made me that way.
I love to give homemade gifts, which one of my kids do you want
They didn't let me out, they just gave me a day pass!
(Front Bumper) If you can read this, I didn't hit you hard enough.
...and i should care, why?
0-60 in 15 minutes!
100% Irony Free
100,000 Sperm And You Were The Fastest?
186,000 Miles/Second: It’s Not Just A Good Idea, It’s The Law!
3 kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
7 days with out Jesus makes one weak

[Phinneas]

On an auto insurance claim form-- "The pedestrian was all over the road. I had to swerve several times before I finally hit him."

License plate on a Porsche Boxster-- "Was His"

Bumper sticker on MY car--- My other car is a broom.

[CAPTAINZING2000]

bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A church alive is worth the surprise!!
A clean car is a sign if sick mind.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
A Day Without Sunshine Is Like, You Know, Night
A fool and his money are a girl's best friend.
A Mouse Is An Elephant Built By The Japanese
A nuclear war can ruin your whole day .
A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
A Waist Is A Terrible Thing To Mind
Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
Adrenalin is my drug of choice.
Adults are just kids with money.
Age is a high price to pay for maturity
Air Pollution Is A Mist-Demeaner
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
All generalizations are false.
All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets
All Men Are Idiots... And I Married Their King.
All my drinking buddies have a racing problem.
All stressed out and nobody to choke!
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Always Remember: You’re Unique, Just Like Everyone Else.
AMERICA-Love It Or Leave It!
Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
ANGER IS MERELY DEPRESSION WITHOUT ENTHUSIASM!
Another brilliant mind ruined by higher education.
Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.
Anything Free Is Worth What You Pay For It
Are you following Jesus this close?
As If
As Long As There Are Tests, There Will Be Prayer In Public Schools.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Ask me about micro waving cats for fun and profit.
Ask me about my vow of silence.
Ass, gas or grass, nobody rides for free.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Auntie Em: Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. - Dorothy
Avoid Hangovers; Stay Drunk
Ax Me About Ebonics

[CAPTAINZING2000]

Baby on bored
Back the badge
Back Up My Hard Drive? How Do I Put It In Reverse?
BAD COP! - NO DONUT!!!
BARBIE AIN'T HERE!.
Be Human.
Be nice society already sucks.

Be Nice To Your Kids; They’ll Pick Out Your Nursing Home.
Be the kind of friend you'd want.
Be the kind of person you always wanted your parents to be.
Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He will clean them.
Beam me up Jesus.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
BEER, Helping people have sex since 1865.
Beer: It’s Not Just For Breakfast Anymore.
Beer: making woman look better since 1965.
Beer: The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon
Before giving someone a piece of mind be sure you have enough to spare!
Behind every successful man there is a woman, behind every unsuccessful man there are two.
Believe in Darwin; cancer cures smoking.

Bite Me!
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.
Blondes Tease....Brunettes Please....
Blow your nose, your horn works fine.
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
Boldly Going Nowhere
BOMB SQUAD: If you see me running you better catch up!
BooYah!
Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death.
Boy bands. The spawn of Satan.
Boycott shampoo, demand real poo instead.
Boys Lie!
Bumper sticker in the year 2100: DISCO STILL SUCKS

[Free to love]

Sticker on my car- "My boss is a jewish carpenter."
On my sons car- "We tattooed your mom at All Ways tattoos."
Others- "Know Jesus, Know Peace--- No Jesus, No Peace."
" Satan Sucks !"
"Warning : in case of rapture, this vehicle will be unmanned."
"I just do what the voices in my head tell me to do."
" I'm the one your mamma warned you about."
"If you can read this... Your too damn close."
"Ex-husband in trunk."
"Mother-in-law in trunk."
"My kid beat up your honor student."
" Don't drink & drive, you might hit a bump & spill your drink."
"See Dick drive drunk, don't be a Dick."
"I see dumb people"
"My other ride's your mom."
"At night monkeys steal my underwear."
"What if the hokey pokey is really what it's all about?"
" One by one the penguins steal my sanity."
"The little men who live behind my eyes, and scream directly at my
brain, told me to tell you Hello."

[mizeeyore]

Don't make me get my flying monkeys.
It's only funny til someone gets hurt, then it's hilarious.
I'm not shy, i'm just examining my prey.
I'm thinking the same thing about you.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on the list.
I never liked you and I always will.
Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was gonna blame you.
I just got a firm grip on reality, NOW i can strangle it.
Losing faith in humanity one person at a time.
If at first you don't succeed, blame someone else and seek counseling.
It's never too late to blame your parents.
I suffer occasional delusions of adequacy.
Boldly Going Nowhere.
Consciousness, that annoying time between naps.
I do whatever my rice krispies tell me.
We are born Naked, Wet and Hungry, things get worse.
I haven't lost my mind, it's backed up on disk somewhere.
I'm Busy, You're Ugly. Have A Nice Day.
Not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

[CAPTAINZING2000]

Can't Feed 'Em! Don't Breed Em'!
Careful, I’m not wearing clean underwear!
Cat: The Other White Meat
Caution -- Driver Legally Blonde
CAUTION I BRAKE FOR HOOKERS.
CAUTION! I drive like you do!
Caution: I brake for no apparent reason.
Caution: I brake for no apparent reason.
CAUTION: This car will be left behind during rapture.
Change a life; make someone feel important.
Change is good...you go first!
Change Is Inevitable, Except From A Vending Machine
Chemistry Professors Never Die, They Just Smell That Way!
Children are like farts: your own are just about tolerable but everyone else's are horrendous.
Clean up America. Kill a redneck!
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
Clones are people 2
Coffee, Chocolate, Men. Some things are just better rich.
Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
Cole’s Law: Thinly Sliced Cabbage
Conceive. Believe. Achieve.
Condoms are easier to change than diapers!
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
Confucious say "Man who stands on toilet is high on pot."
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Conserve toilet paper - use both sides.
Conserve water - Shower with a friend
Constipated People Don't Give A ****.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Could You Drive Any Better If I Shoved That Cell Phone Up Your Ass?
Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes

[Time2Surrender]

Originally Posted by CAPTAINZING2000

Clean up America. Kill a redneck!

Redneck (A real redneck-Are you one?)

[Time2Surrender]

Understanding Redneck Theology

March 5, 2004 - Donald K. Burleson

The term "redneck" is often misunderstood by those north of the Mason-Dixon line. Many Yankees misunderstand this beloved term of endearment and treat the word as if it were some kind of insult. A true Southerner understands that achieving the state of Redneck is a noble pursuit. The guiding principles of Redneck philosophy are easily misunderstood by outsiders, so let's take a closer look at the goals of those who strive for the state of Redneck.

The Redneck Theology

being a "real" Redneck means much more than driving a pick-up truck and naming your dog Bubba. Rather, a true Redneck does not feel the need to impress people with the outward trappings of their Redneck lifestyle and is perfectly comfortable in an Armani suit and BMW.

Without trying to sound too much like Jeff Foxworthy (a great comedian, but a tad misinformed about Redneck theology), let me try to explain the basic tenets of achieving a state of Redneck:

Sense of inner Peace - The true Redneck is at-peace with the world. They always feel safe (not just because they have guns in every room of their home), and they are not concerned with what others may think of their Redneck lifestyle.

High sense of Duty and Honor - A true Redneck will defend their Sacred Honor and will not tolerate those who disparage their families, traditions or loved-ones. Many a surprised New Yorker has pondered this while visiting the Emergency Room after flipping-off a Redneck.

Disregard for Time - A true Redneck does not respect man-made timelines and lives life one day at a time. A true redneck may put a car up on-blocks for a decade before restoring it.

Disregard for man-made Mores - A true Redneck will follow their tastes and desires without regard for social customs and "appropriate" behavior. Because the Redneck is not constrained by outsider opinions and Madison Avenue dictates about taste, they are free to embrace whatever they like without guilt or remorse.

Honors their Ancestors - A real redneck know details about every one of their ancestors who fought in the Civil War and American Revolution. An ardent patriot, a true redneck will always fly the Star Spangled Banner right above the Stars and Bars on every national holiday. A true redneck will also participate in ware reenactments as a way of honoring the redneck sacrifices of their ancestors.

Eschews wealth - My cousin Sara-Ruth lives on land with a massive garden and all of her own livestock. She even has a banana tree and the only things she buys are sugar and coffee. Her house and property were paid for centuries ago when our great-great-great Grand-daddy Aaron Burleson received it from the Continental Congress, thanking him for fighting in the American Revolution. They live a simple and free life with none of the conventional worries about money and impressing the Jones's.
Living around rednecks has had a profound effect on my way of looking at life. I once visited a cousin in my fancy new car and made what Rednecks Theologists call the "sin of pride" when I mentioned that my new car costs me a fortune. In good humor he pointed over to a giant farm tractor and said "Wall, I'm impressed. See that reaper over there? She cost me over $200,000, I paid cash money, and I reckon only take her out a few weeks a year". Man, did I feel humbled in the presence of such profound Redneck wisdom, and I never bragged to anyone again.

Sure, the tenets and promises of the Redneck Theology seem like unachievable goals, but I'm told that with years of conscientious study and practice, a true state of Redneck is achievable, even for a sinner like me.

[CAPTAINZING2000]

OUCH!!! I"LL PROOF READ THIS 1

D.A.M.M.- Drunks Against Mad Mothers
DANGER: I drive like you do!
DARE to keep cops off doughnuts.
DARE to keep the CIA off drugs.
Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
Death is life's way of telling you you're fired.
Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
Death is the consequence of being alive.
Deep down, divers care.

Despite The Cost Of Living, Have You Noticed How It Remains So Popular?
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
DETEST-de stuff de teacher gives de students when ya expect it de least!!!
Dewey,Skrewem, & Howe (attorneys at law)
Did you check if your horn works?
Did you just fart or did you always smell that way?
Diplomacy Is Saying “Nice Doggy” Until You Find A Rock
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
Disappointed? Too bad!
Divers get more tail.
Do I look like a freakin' People Person?
Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.
Do not play a leap frog with a unicorn.
Do not put a question mark where God put a period.
Do they ever shut up on your planet.
Do unto others before they do unto you.
Do Vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Doctor's say I have a multiple personality, but we don't agree with that.
Does The Name Pavlov Ring A Bell?
D'oh!
Don’t Drink And Drive...You Might Hit A Bump And Spill Your Drink.
Don’t **** Me Off! I’m Running Out Of Places To Hide The Bodies.
Don’t Take Life Too Seriously; You Won’t Get Out Alive
Don't Be Sexist - Bitches Hate That
Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
Don't believe everything you think.
Don't come knocking if the car is rocking.
Don't delay, paint today
Don't Drink and Drive!
Don't drink and park - accidents cause people.
Don't drink to drown your sorrow. Sorrow knows how to swim.
Don't drive and derive. Alcohol and calculus don't mix.

Don't Follow me I am LOST!!!
Don't judge a book by its movie.
Don't laugh it's paid for.
Don't laugh; your daughter may be in back.
Don't let schooling get in the way of your education.
Don't make me go medieval on you.
Don't miss heaven for the world.
Don't play stupid with me... I'm better at it!
Don't rub the lamp unless you're ready for the genie.
Don't start with me you won't win!
Don't steal, the government hates competition.
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
Don't trust women.
Don't wish for it...work for it.
Don't worry about life; you're not going to survive it, anyway.
DRIVE IT LIKE YOU STOLE IT!
Driver carries less than $20 IN AMMUNITION..
Drop Dead
Due to budget cuts, light at end of tunnel will be out.
Dyslexics Have More Fnu.
Dyslexics of the world, untie!
Dyslexics Untie!

[CAPTAINZING2000]

E. coli Happens
Each day is a gift.
Eagles Don't Flock.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
EARTH FIRST - We'll log the other planets later.
Earth first... We will strip the other planets later.
Earth Is The Insane Asylum For The Universe
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
Editing Is A Rewording Activity
Elvis has left the planet.
Elvis Is Dead And I’m Not Feeling Too Good Myself
Energizer Bunny Arrested; Charged With Battery
Enjoy life it's not a dress rehearsal.
Entropy Isn’t What It Used To Be
Eschew Obfuscation
Eschew Obfuscation
ESCHEW OBFUSCATION. (means avoid confusion/overcomplication)
Ever Stop To Think And Forget To Start Again?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Every silver lining has a cloud.
Every thing is on loan from the government until you can't pay your taxes.
Everybody looks brave holding a machine gun.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Everyone Has A Photographic Memory. Some Just Don’t Have Film.
Everyone Is Entitled To My Opinion
Everything i need to know i learned in prison
Everything is possible just not too probable.
Everything Is Somewhere.
Everytime you speak you make someone dumber for listening to you.
EXIT

[CAPTAINZING2000]

f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.

Facts are stubborn things.

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.

Fatal system error detected. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

Fear is understandable, ignorance is unacceptable.

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

FIGHT for the RIGHTS of bacteria! - it's the only culture some people have

Fleece on Earth Good wool to ewe

For A Small Town, This Place Has A Lot Of A$$holes!

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Forget about World Peace... Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!

From a chicken in every pot to a chicken smokin' pot

[CAPTAINZING2000]

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.

Go ahead, make my data!

Go practice safe sex. Screw yourself

God doesn't believe in Atheists.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill God,

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

God, please save me from your followers.

Going the speed of light is bad for your age.

Got Mole problems? Call Avogadro: 6.02 x 10-23.

Gravity doesn't exist. Earth sucks.

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional!!

Guests who kill talk show hosts-On the last Geraldo.

Guns don't kill people... but they make it real easy

[CAPTAINZING2000]

H lp! S m b d st l ll th v w ls fr m m k yb rd!

Half of the people in the world are below average.

Hang up and drive idiot

Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

Hard Disk space: the final frontier!

Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.

hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY? THIS 1 HitS ClOSE 2 hOME

Having a Smoking Section in a restaurant is a little like having a Peeing Section in a pool!

He who hesitates is probably right.

He who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Health is simply the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply.

Help! I can't reach the brakes on this piano!

Help! My Reality Check Bounced!

Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's hand grenades I throw...

hoket on foniks werked fur me

Honk if you love peace and quiet

Honk if you're an A$$hole.

Honk if you've never seen a shotgun fired from a moving car.

Honk once, if you like Jesus moderately well!

Horn Broken....Watch for finger!

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Hours of tedious, backbreaking, demeaning labour. Isn't it great to be needed?

How can I be overdrawn, I still have checks!

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

How do we know 'Dyslexia' is spelled right?

Hows My Driving??? Call 1-800-EAT-CRAP

[CAPTAINZING2000]

Bumper Stickers and One-Liners:


i souport publik edekasion

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

I always wanted to be something. I wish I'd been more specific.

I am logged in, therefore I am.

I am not illiterate! My parents were married!

I am so quick, I am even fast asleep.

I are Pentium of Borg. Division is futile. You will be approximated.

I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be fixed with the right amount of C4!

I brake for no apparent reason.

I brake just for the hell of it!

I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.

I can't be over the hill! I haven't been to the top yet!

I did NOT escape - they gave me a day pass!

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

I do what the voices in my head tell me.

I don't care who you are, what you are driving, or where you would rather be.

I don't get even, I get odder.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

I finally got it all together, but then I forgot where I put it.

I have a firm grip on reality. Now I can strangle it.

I have a rock garden. Last week, three of them died.

I have PMS and a gun. Did you have something to say?

I intend to live forever - so far, so good

I is a college student.

I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.

I love animals, they taste great.

I love Jesus. It's his fan club that makes me nervous.

I made a mistake once: I thought I was wrong but I wasn't.

I may be going slow, but I am ahead of you!

I miss my ex, but my aim is improving.

I owe, I owe, so off to work I go.

I put the "fun" in dysfunctional.

I saw it in a cartoon, but I'm pretty sure I can do it...

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

I think, therefore I am. I think.

I think. Therefore I am DANGEROUS.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

I tried to think but nothing happened!

I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

I was put on this earth to feed the cat.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I will defend to your death, your right to my opinion.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect.

I'm going Nucking Futs !!

I'm going to live forever, or die trying.

I'm just driving this way to **** you off.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

I'm not deaf, I just like to block your way.

I'm not paranoid, but the people who tap my phone are.

I'm not so much human as cat furniture.

I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?

I'm too busy to insult you, but your humiliation is important to me. Please hold.

I've got to sit down and work out where I stand.

If a thing goes without saying, LET IT.....

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it homeless or naked?

If, a two letter word for futility

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried!

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

If at first you don't succeed, to hell with it.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.

If Bullshit were music, you'd be a brass band.

If God though that nudity was OK, we would have been born naked.

If going to church makes you a Christian, does going to a garage make you a car?

If I can't fish in heaven....I'm not going

If I go any faster I'll burn out my Hamsters

If I save the whales, where do I keep them?

If I save time, when do I get it back ?

If I was any lazier I'd slip into a coma.

If I'm lying, let God strike me dea#$%^*&*(*(NO CARRIER

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic

If in doubt, make it sound convincing.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

If you are psychic - think "HONK"

If you can read this, back off!

If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.

If you can read this, you're in phaser range.

If you can read this, you're not from Arkansas.

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

If you come any closer, I'll fart.

If you don't have time to do it right, what makes you think you've got time to do it twice?

If you don't like my driving, then get off the sidewalk!

If you don't like the news, go out and make some

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

If you read in the bathroom, is that multitasking?

If you shower in your clothes, it shows you're crazy. If you shower nude, it shows your nuts!!!

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

If you value your life as much as I value this car, don't touch it!

If you voted for change, better start counting it

If you voted for Clinton YOU must have inhaled

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.

If your child is an Honor Student why then are you such a Stupid Idiot!

Illegal error detected - You are not allowed to get this error.

Illiterate? Write for help today!

Illitterate? 1-800-RED-GOOD

Impeach Hillary

Impotence: Natures way of saying no hard feelings.

In case of emergency, break glass. Scream. Bleed to death

In God we trust. All others dial in with SecurID.

In God we trust. All others we monitor.

In God We Trust, all others pay cash.

In my next life I'm going to have more memory installed

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. - Douglas Adams

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

Individualists - Unite!

Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.

Intel - still number 0.999873464508.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

Is there another word for synonym?

ISDN: I Still Don't kNow

ISDN: Idiot Services you Don't Need

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because fools are so ingenious.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents, it is how he found out.

It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

It said, "Insert disk #3," but only two will fit!

It wasn't actually a divorce - I was traded

It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

It's not just a hobby, it's an obsession!

Its not just winning the game---its drinking the beer.

Its not whether you win or lose. What counts is whether I win or lose.

Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.

Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.

Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an *******.

Jesus paid for our sins... now lets get our money's worth.

Jesus saves - and at todays prices *that's* a miracle!

Jesus saves, Moses invests, but only Buddah pay dividends....

Jesus saves sinners...and redeems them for valuable cash pizes.

Jesus Saves, but I can't on my salary

Jesus Saves -- passes to Moses, shoots, SCORES!

Jesus saves....God invests.

Jesus saves...by shopping wisely and using coupons

Jesus saves! The rest of us better make backups.

JESUS IS COMING - and boy, is He pissed!

Joes repair shop We repair what your husband fixed

Join D.A.M.M. - Drunks Against MADD Mothers

Join F.A.R.T.s - Fathers Against Radical Teenagers

Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.

Just "before" someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?

Just because I live in a house doesn't mean I'll clean it!

Just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you.

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean you're not being followed.

Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.

Just what part of "NO" didn't you understand...?

Justice: A decision in your favour.

Keep honking, I'm reloading as fast as I can!

Keep Working... Millions on Welfare are Depending on YOU!

Kill them all! ... Let God sort them out.

Klingon prompt: strike any user when ready.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

Laugh and the world laughs with you ...... Fart, and you stand alone.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Lead me not into temptaion, I can find it myself

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!

Leave me alone, I'm having a sexual fantasy.

Life in a vacuum sucks.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease with 100% mortality.

Life is God's way of preserving meat.

Life is like a box of chocolates. It's full of nuts.

Life is short. Don't be a dick.

Life is something to do when you cannot get to sleep.

Life is uncertain, eat dessert first.

Life's a bitch and so am I

Life's a bitch and then you marry one!

Life's a buffet... so eat me!

Like I give a rat's ass what you think

Live fast, die sideways.

Logic is the systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

Looks are but a layer of skin covering one's soul.

Lord save me from your followers.

Lost your cat? Look under my tires.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Lottery: A tax on people who don't understand statistics.

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Love your enemies; they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up to.

Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can't be fixed...

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

MAKE LOVE NOT WAR - see driver for details

Man is the only animal that blushes...or needs to.

Man who eat jelly bean fart in Technicolor.

Manual Writer's Creed: Garbage in, gospel out.

Marriage is not a word: it is a sentence.

Marriages are made in Heaven. So are thunder & lightning.

Master Baiters catch more fish

Me a skeptic? I hope you have proof.

Mean people rule!

Men can't become pregnant, but they're carriers.

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

MicroSloth: "Bringing you ten-year-old technology, tomorrow, maybe."

Microwaves frizz your heir.

MILITANT AGNOSTIC: I Don't Know And You Don't Either

Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.

MIPS: Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed.

Moderation in all things - including moderation.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Lada.

Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.

Money is the sixth sense that makes it possible to enjoy the five others.

Most people make sense. I'm not one of them.

Multitasking - screwing up several things at once.

My computer NEVER cras@#%^TU*NO CARRIER

My daughter turned down your honor student.

My disgust with the current administration cannot be summarized here.

My Go this amn keyboar oesn't have any 's.

My Karma ran over my Dogma.

My kid can beat up your Honor Student.

My kid gave your honor student the answers to the final exam!

My mail reader can beat up your mail reader.

My mind was never what it used to be.

My other car is a piece of crap too!

My other car is also a Mercedes

My sexual orientation is... well, horizontal, mostly

My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

My take home pay doesn't even take me home.

My wife ran away with my best friend. I sure miss him.

Nerd: someone on the Dork Side of the Farce.

Network: anything reticulated or decussated at equal intervals, with interstices between the intersections.

Never assume. It makes an "ass" out of "u" and "me".

Never attribute to evil that which can be explained by stupidity.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with something bigger and heavier!

Never invoke the gods unless you really want them to appear. It annoys them very much.

Never play leapfrog with a Unicorn

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.

Never run after buses or women: you'll always get left behind.

Never say "Oops" in the operating room.

Never stand between a dog and the hydrant.

Never trust a computer you can't throw out the window. - S. Hunt

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

No electrons were harmed in the creation of this message.

No good deed goes unpunished.

No guts, no glory, no brain, same story.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

No radio - Already stolen.

Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.

Nostalgia is not what it used to be.

Nostalgia: The good old days multiplied by a bad memory...

Not one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.

Notice: The How To Overcome Apathy course has been cancelled due to lack of response.

Notice: The How To Overcome Procrastination course has been postponed.

Notice: The How To Overcome Tardiness course starts at 7 pm. Don't be late.

Now Accepting Compliments

Of all the people I know, you're one of them.

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

Of course I want it yesterday. If I wanted it today, I would have called you tomorrow!

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?

Old hippies never die, They just go undercover.

Old musicians don't die... they just decompose.

Old programmers never die; they just give up their resources.

One good thing about "standards" is that there are so many to choose from.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

One person's error is another person's data.

One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.

Only Idiots Read Bumper Stickers

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. - Albert Einstein

Only visiting this planet!

Orgasm Donor

Our system is very reliable. Nothing ever goes wr[}\-_+=~'{?>.(#$%{!`'?;f;fkj;uiutoiun;gt;to;g;g;t

Out of Body. Back in Five Minutes.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

P.E.T.A. - People who Enjoy Tasting Animals

Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

People are more opposed to fur than leather because rich ladies are easier to harass than bikers.

People say I have a drinking problem. I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem!

People who claim that little things don't bother them never slept in a room with a single mosquito.

People who live in glass houses should dress in the dark.

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

Personally, I'm not gifted, I'm weird.

Pi R squared. Nooo! Pie R round, cornbread R square!

Pity the archeologist--his career is in ruins!

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Please God, Answer my prayers... Please Steal this car.

Please let me know if you don't receive this message.

Please, no deja-vu, I don't want to go through that again.

Politics: Poli (many) - tics (blood sucking parasites)

Practice safe eating--always use condiments.

Preserve wildlife! Pickle a squirrel today!

Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...

Press any key to continue... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!

Press CTRL-ALT-DEL to continue ...

Press [ESC] to detonate or any other key to explode.

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have

Programming Department: Mistakes made while you wait.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Public opinion is what people think other people are thinking.

Punish me, I'll tell you why later.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Put on your seatbelt... I wanna try something.