Signs you.......

[Debbie]

Smoke Too Much

* In the middle of smoking a cigarette, you pause for a "cigarette break."

* Your birthday is a state holiday in North Carolina.

* Your title for the Surgeon General: "Captain Bringdown."

* Cracking your knuckles leaves you winded.

* Morning schedule: Wake up, cough for three hours, take nap.

* In your neighborhood, they give directions by saying, "Go down to the big pile of cigarette butts..."

* You get mattress fires more often than haircuts.

* You smoke during sex.

* You refer to nonsmokers as "pink-lunged sissy boys."

* You explain to the nurse that you didn't realize you were in a "nonsmoking" iron lung.


Drink Too Much Coffee



*you grind your coffee beans in your mouth.


*You lick your coffee pot clean.


*The only time you're standing still is in an earthquake.


*You can type 60 words per minute with your feet.


*You have to watch videos in fast-forward to prevent boredom.


*Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.


*You want to be cremated so you can spend eternity in a coffee can.


*You can take a picture of yourself from 10 feet away without using the timer.


*Can jump start your car without cables.


*You don't need a hammer to pound nails.


*You buy sugar by the barrel.


*You wear the finish off your coffee table.


*You are so wired, you pic up AM radio.


*You channel surf faster without a remote.


*You are offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.


*You short out motion detectors.


*The only time you're standing still is in an earthquake.


*The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.


*Kramer of Seinfeld thinks you need to calm down.


*You name your cats Cream & Sugar.


*Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.


*Your nervous twitches register on the Richter scale.


*You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.


*You're employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.


*You chew on other people's fingernails.


*You don't sweat, you percolate.


*You walk ten miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.


*Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.


*When someone says how are you? you say "good to the last drop."


*You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.


*You don't tan, you roast.


*You don't get mad, you get steamed.


*You think C.P.R. stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."


*All of your children are named Joe.


*You go to an AA meeting just to get the free coffee.


*Your T-shirt says Decaf Rules!


*You are able to outlast the energizer bunny.


*You get drunk just so you can sober up.


*Your survival kit has a pound of coffee & a grinder.


*You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.


*You sleep with your eyes open.


*Your hand is molded to the shape of your coffee mug.


*You answer your door before anyone knocks.


*You spend every vacation in Kona, Hawaii.


*Your birthday is a national holiday in Columbia.


*You have your blood tested, the results come back in acidity levels.


*Juan Valdez sends you a thank you card.

[Debbie]

Your potted plants stay alive.

Fooling around in a twin sized bed is absurd.

6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.

Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.

You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'.

You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next
door don't know how to turn down the stereo.

Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.

Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.

Dinner and a movie = the whole date, instead of the beginning
of one.

MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.

You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms
and pregnancy tests.

You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese and pop

Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for
real work.

[Debbie]

SIGNS THAT RONALD MCDONALD HAS GROWN UP

- No longer signs paychecks in crayon.

- That new "Mr. Happy Meal."

- Distinctive odor of bourbon and stale cigars at personal appearances.

- Two words: sagging buns.

- Replacing floppy red shoes with floppy black wingtips.

- Now offering "Happy Hour" Meals.

- No longer asks women if they want to see his McNuggets.

- Instead of size 46 shoe, now takes a size 62.

- Gin has replaced make-up as his nose-reddener.

- That telltale bottle of Clairol Fire Engine Red #4 in his shower.

- Seen with Jack-in-the-Box at strip clubs stuffing fries down g-strings.

- Three kids injured in unfortunate stubble incident.

- Has a McBeergut.

[Debbie]

Thought I'd bring this up from the basement

[Debbie]

* You wake up face down on the floor.

* You call the Depression Hotline and they put you on hold.

* You see a "60 minutes" news team waiting in your office.

* Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

* You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any.

* You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.

* Your twin sister forgot your birthday.

* Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.

* The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.

* You wake up and your braces are locked together.

* You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose.

* Your blind date turns out to be your ex.

* Your paycheck bounces.

* You put both contact lenses in the same eye.

* Your pet rock snaps at you.

* Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.

[HarryH]

Barbie. the signs you.....Are Smoking too Much.......Drinking too Much Coffee....and You are Getting Old, lead me to believe one of two things, or maybe both. You are either STALKING me or you are READING MY MAIL, or both.

Thanks for the laughs,

Harry

[beedfreek]

Ya know, I actually worked for a Rest Home where NO ONE would cash their checks!!!

Why can't I find a REAL JOB!!!???