Know Your Geography

[Sit Tight]

You live in California when . . .

1.You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a
house.

2.The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell
phone.

3.The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.

4.You know how to eat an artichoke.

5.You drive to your neighborhood block party.

6.When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how
long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.



You live in New York when . . .

1.You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean
Manhattan.

2.You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire
State building.

3.You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from
Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

4.You think Central Park is "nature."

5.You believe that being able to swear at people in their own
language makes you multi-lingual.

6.You've worn out a car horn.

7.You think eye contact is an act of aggression.



You live in Alaska when . . .

1.You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup and Tabasco.

2.Halloween costumes fit over parkas.

3.You have more than one recipe for moose.

4.Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.

5.The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and
construction.



You live in the Deep South when . . .

1.You get a movie and bait in the same store.

2."ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.

3.After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here,
are ya?"

4."He needed killin' " is a valid defense.

5.Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue,
Betty Jean,etc




You live in Colorado when . . .

1.You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.

2.You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he
stops at the day care center.

3.A pass does not involve a football or dating.

4.The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.



You live in the Midwest when . . .

1.You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your
name.

2.Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a
tractor.

3.You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.

4.You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"

5.When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It
was different!"



You live in Florida when...

1.You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.

2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind-even houses and
cars.

3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.

4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.

5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

6. There are only GIANT doctors in Florida (Every person's doctor
is "The Biggest" in his field

[smoke gets in my eyes]

Did you hear about the Kentucky redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can't touch it till she's fourteen.

What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck? The good ol' boy raises livestock.
The redneck gets emotionally involved.

What's the most popular pick-up line in Kentucky?
Nice tooth!

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?
"There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

How do you know when your staying in a Kentucky hotel?
When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says "go ahead.
"
How can you tell if a Kentucky redneck is married?
There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Kentucky to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Kentucky?
A documentary.

How many rednecks does it take eat a 'possum?
Two. One to eat, and one to watch out for traffic.

Why did God invent armadillos?
So that Texas rednecks can have 'possum on the halfshell.

Where was the toothbrush invented?
Kentucky. If it was invented anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush.

Kentucky State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says, "Bout what?"

Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to Kentucky?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Frankfort, Kentucky burned down?
Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.

A new law recently passed in Kentucky:
When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.

What's the best thing to ever come out of Kentucky?
I-75

Two Kentuckians are walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?"
Jus' some chickens."
"If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?"
"Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them."
"OK. Ummmmm . . . five?"

What do a divorce in Kentucky, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in Florida have in common?
Somebody's fixin' to lose them a trailer.

A Kentuckian came home and found his house on fire, he rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!"
"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
"Shucks, don't you still have those big red trucks?"

Why do folks in Kentucky go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?
Cuz 17 and under not admitted.

What do you get when you have 32 rednecks in the same room?
A full set of teeth.

[smoke gets in my eyes]

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
------------------------------------------------------------------------



STATE OF KENTUCKY RESIDENCY APPLICATION
Name: ________________
(last)
(_) Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack
(Check appropriate box)

Age: ____
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size ____ Left ____ Right


Occupation:
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Un-employed


Spouse's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet


Number of children living in household: ___

Number that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________

Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)


Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

__ Total number of vehicles you own
__ Number of vehicles that still crank
__ Number of vehicles in front yard
__ Number of vehicles in back yard
__ Number of vehicles on cement blocks


Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed


Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_


Do you have a gun rack?
(_) Yes (_) No; please explain:


Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun


___ Number of times you've seen a UFO

___ Number of times you've seen Elvis

___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO


How often do you bathe:
(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Not Applicable


Color of teeth:
(_)Yellow
(_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown
(_)Black
(_)N/A


Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man


How far is your home from a paved road?
(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)don't know

[Debbie]

You live in Pennsylvania when......

1. You only own three spices: salt, pepper, ketchup.

2. You have an uncontrollable urge to buy bread and milk when you hear the word "snow."

3. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

4. The local paper covers National and International headlines on 1/4 page but requires six pages for sports.

5. School closings due to snow take the radio stations a half an hour to finish, because just about every town has its own school district.

6. You prefer Hershey's Chocolate to Godiva.


And here we have the Phillyisms.....
20 Signs That Show You Are From Philadelphia
(pronounced "Philly")

20. You Hate Dallas

19. You realize that your favorite dessert is "wooder ice" (it comes in churry, strawburry and other assawrded flavers).

18. You find yourself using "Yo" and "youse guys" when talking long-distance to your family members.

17. You know how to spell Schuylkill.

16. You pronounce ACME as "ACK - A - ME.

15. You think $2,500 a year for insurance on a 1977 Toyota Corolla is a bargain.

14. You find yourself at a nice restaurant thinking, "I wonder if they have cheese steaks?"

13. You can sleep soundly through gunfire and ambulance sirens.

12. You visit New York City and are impressed by how clean it is.

11. You believe the car on your left, with turn signal flashing and the driver pointing at your lane, wants you to close the gap with the car in front of you.

10. You can't eat french fries without Cheez Whiz.

9. Street people greet you by your first name.

8. You don't think Wawa sounds funny.

7. You snub a cheese steak that isn't on an Amoroso roll.

6. Your parents, brothers, sisters, aunts and uncles all live on the same block.

5. You can't imagine breakfast without scrapple.

4. A vacation down the Jersey shore (pronounced "shoore") is better than going to an island (there's more stuff to do, plus you know everybody).

3. You know where to find the Rocky statue.

2. You know only tourists go to Geno's, Pat's and Jim's for authentic cheese steaks. You go only if you're drunk and it's 3:00 a.m.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM PHILLY........

1. You buy a soft pretzel at a traffic light without wondering where the guy goes to wash his hands and you don't even care!

[Sit Tight]

Yes, but I have a serious question. If you get divorced in Kentucky, are you still brother and sister?

[Juls]

Smoke,

You wouldn't by any chance happen to be from Kentucky would you? LOL

And Bob,

What about if your from Canada?

Juls

[Sit Tight]

We need to get a life. We're all up much too late.

G-Nite!

[smoke gets in my eyes]

Late? Son, the sky is pink. The livestocks is up, and so'm I!

[Sit Tight]

Must be a three hour time difference. Duh!. Actually, California isn't three hours behind you - we're just really laid back.

[smoke gets in my eyes]

A kentucky friend of mine moved north to Minnesota. One of the southernisms she took with her was the phrase "bless your heart". Y'all know how it's applied.

"The coke machine ate my quarter."
Bless your heart.

"My sister married a Hell's Angel."
Bless her heart.

"My neighbor left his lawn mower out in the rain."
Bless his heart.

"My dog ran into the sliding glass door again."
Bless it's heart.



After hearing the phrase used a number of times, a coworker at last said to her, "I think I've figured it out. "Bless your heart" is southern for "loser", right?"

[JT]

Illinois Kicks Butt!

Don't order steak or pasta primavera at Denny's, it's a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you upset the Mexicans in the kitchen, they will kick your butt.

Don't laugh at the names of our little towns (Sandwich, St. Elmo, Gays, Reddick, Dongola, Dupo, Paw Paw, Boody, Farmer City, etc.) or we will just have to kick your butt.

Don't order a can or bottle of soda here. It is called pop. Accept it or we will kick your butt.

We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you. We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as Midwesterners. We are from Illinois and we can kick your butt.

We have plenty of business sense. We have to make a living here. Naturally we have small lapses in judgment from time to time, but we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state just to run for the senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick her butt.

Don't laugh at our cornfields or our Lincoln Log home. Anything that inspires tourists to buy 50,000 post cards can't be bad. And in Chicago, don't point and laugh at the sculptures or we will kick your butt.

We are fully aware of how cold it gets here in the winter, so shut the heck up. Just spend your money and get the heck out of here or we will kick your butt.

Don't order the fruit plate for dessert. Order a steak and a potato or pizza for dinner and then have cheesecake or we will kick your butt.

Don't try to fake a Chicago accent. We don't have an accent. Do not mention Al Capone, he's dead and you will be too after you get your butt kicked.

Don't talk to us about how much better things are where you came from because we know better. Many of us have visited big city holes like Detroit, Cleveland, New York, Philadelphia, and Los Angeles and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here O'Hare is ready when you are. Move your butt on home before it gets kicked.

Don't complain that Illinois is flat and that there are not enough trees. If you whine about our scenic beauty we will kick your butt all the way back to San Francisco.

Don't ridicule our mannerisms. We speak only when spoken to. We know where we are going and we want to get there now. We mind our own business because that's what civilized, educated people do. Behave yourself around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they will kick some manners in your sorry butt just like they did ours.

So you think we are quaint or losers because some of us live on a farm? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Los Angeles. Make fun of our tractor and we will kick your butt.

Pronouncing the 's' at the end of Illinois is not funny. Doing it will get your butt kicked.

Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come here and tell us Chicago is full of gangsters. This will get your butt shot (right after it is kicked).

[Sit Tight]

Where's Illi-noise?

[JT]

...I thought this was about knowing your geography!

Let me see...we are not in danger of falling off into the ocean...drive east though the cornfields and when you see the dairy cows to your north and the Hoosiers up ahead...YOU ARE THERE!

[smoke gets in my eyes]

And the Winner of the Homestate Chutzpa Award is our beloved JT! (We were afraid if we did not acknowledge her mighty acheivement, she might kick our butts.) :asmd:

[Juls]

Ooooh JT, I'm scared of you honey, cackle, cackle, cackle.

But my mama's people is from Illinois, so I can kick butt too, with the best of em. LOL

[Ann]

ONTARIO IS NOT A STATE...IT'S A PROVINCE

We have a "Premier" not a governor. A Premier governs a Province and may not be of the same political party that governs our Country. Nobody cares.

We have a "Prime Minister" who governs our country, and who may not be of the same political party as anyone who cares.

We don't speak French here, you are mistaking us for our neighbours in Quebec, but you can if you want, because nobody cares.

We don't have dogsleds, we aren't all lumberjacks, you can't ski in August, and we do love hockey...if anyone cares.

We use "serviettes" not "napkins", eat "scones" not biscuits, and like malt vinegar on our "chips" which are really french fries, except in French Quebec where they eat "Poutine" covered in cheese and gravy.

We end our sentences with "Eh?", as in "that's right, eh?", which means that we are asking if you agree because if you don't we all apologize, because that's what good Canadians do...apologize. I'm sorry if this offends anyone, eh?

And we love our American neighbours to the south. When the world messes with your freedom or ours, you really know how to KICK BUTT!!!! All the way to Illinois!! And We Care!!!

[JT]

All in fun guys..all in fun! Living in Illinois is a great excuse for vacationing! Like to Kentucky!

[Debbie]

Adding to this geograghy thread......lol

You Know You're From or In Pennsylvania If:

You've never referred to Philadelphia as anything but "Philly." And New Jersey has always been "Jersey."

You refer to Pennsylvania as "PA" (pronounced Pee-ay). How many other states do that?

You know what "Punxsutawney Phil" is, and what it means if he sees his shadow.

The first day of buck and the first day of doe season are school
holidays.

You can use the phrase "fire hall wedding reception" and not even bat an eye.

You can't go to a wedding without hearing the "Chicken Dance," at least 1 Polka and either an Italian song (sung in Italian,) or "Hava Nagila."

At least 5 people on your block have electric "candles" in all or
most of their windows all year long.

You know what a "Hex sign" is.

You know what a "State Store" is, and your out of state friends find it incredulous that you can't purchase liquor at the mini-mart.

You own only three condiments "salt, pepper and Heinz ketchup".

Words like "hoagie", "crick", "chipped ham", "sticky buns",
"shoo-fly pie", "pierogies" and "pocketbook" actually mean something to you.

You can eat cold pizza (even for breakfast) and know others who do the same. (Those from NY find this "barbaric".)

You not only have heard of Birch Beer, but you know it comes in
several colors: Red, White, Brown, Gold.

You know several places to purchase or that serve Scrapple, Summer Sausage (Lebanon Bologna), and Hot Bacon Dressing.

You can eat a cold soft pretzel from a street vendor without fear
and enjoy it.

You know the difference between a cheese steak & a pizza steak sandwich, and know that you can't get a really good one outside PA.

You live for summer, when street and county fairs signal the
beginning of funnel cake season.

Customers ask the waitress for "drippy eggs" for breakfast.

You know that Blue Ball, Intercourse, Climax, Bird-in-Hand, Beaver, Moon,Virginville, Paradise, Mars, and Slippery Rock are PA towns.

You know what a township, borough, and commonwealth is. (At least you vaguely remember.)

You can identify drivers from New York, New Jersey, or other
neighboring states by their unique and irritating driving habits.

A traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a horse-drawn carriage on the highway in Lancaster County.

You know several people who have hit deer more than once.

You carry jumper cables in your car and your female passengers know how to use them.

You still keep kitty litter, starting fluid, de-icer, or a snow
brush in your trunk, even if you live in the south.

Driving is always better in winter because the potholes are filled
with snow.

As a kid you built snow forts and leaf piles that were taller than
you were.

Your graduating class consisted of mostly Polish, German, & Italian names.

"You guys" is a perfectly acceptable reference to a group of men & women.

You know how to respond to the question "Djeetyet?" (Didyoueatyet?)

You learned to pronounce Bryn Mawr, Wilkes-Barre, Schuylkill, Bala Cynwyd, Conshohocken, and Monongahela.

You know what a "Mummer" is, and are disappointed if you can't catch at least highlights of the parade.

You actually understand these jokes and send them on to other
Pennsylvanians .

[lyn_blossom78]

I know some of these sound like Pennsylvania, but (I think they stole some of them)

You know you're from Ohio if...



You only own 4 spices: Salt, pepper, ketchup & Lowry's Seasoned Salt.

You design your kids' Halloween costumes to fit over a

snowsuit.

You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are

filled with snow.

You think everyone from bigger cities has an accent.

You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie.

You owe more money on your snowblower than you do on your car.

Your snowblower gets stuck on your roof.

The local paper covers national and international headlines

on 1/4 of a page, but requires 6 pages for sports.

You think that deer season is a national holiday.

You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

You find 20 degrees below zero "a little chilly".

You know all the four seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost

Winter, and Construction.

You know what a real buckeye is, and have a recipe for

candy ones.

You know if another Ohioan is from southern, middle or

northern Ohio as soon as they open their mouth.

You can spell words like Cuyahoga and Tuscarawas.

You know that Serpent Mounds were not made by snakes.

You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your

Ohio friends.

And you all laugh at them together.