Certain Truths!

[historyteach]

Subject: Certain Truths

> >1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my
own
> >pants.
> >
> >2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
> >
> >3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said
> >Implants?" She hit me.
> >
> >4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
> >
> >5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
> >
> >6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
> >
> >8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
> >
> >9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get
> >elected.
> >
> >10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and ********'s.
> >
> >11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person
you
> >want to annoy for the rest of your life.
> >
> >12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
> >
> >13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days
I
> >have stayed alive.
> >
> >14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50
for
> >Miss America?
> >
> >15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing
> >section in a swimming pool?
> >
> >16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
> >
> >17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
> >
> >18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
Don't
> >pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
> >
> >19. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend
> >will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"-
> >
> >20. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting
> >clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up
> >in the first place!
> >
> >21. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky
> >dunk."
> >
> >22. The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.
> >
> >23. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell
the
> >difference.
> >
> >24. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our
> >life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
> >
> >25. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you
> >realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
> >
> >26. My husband says I never listen to him (at least I
> >think that's what he said).
> >
> >27. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
> >
> >28. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they
can
> >in prison?
> >
> >29. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started
> >with something called LABOR!
> >
> >30. Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT
> >cells live forever.
> >
> >31. Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten
Commandments
> >cannot be displayed in a federal building?
> >
> >Bumper sticker of the year:
> >"If you can read this, thank a teacher....and since it's in English,
thank
> >a soldier

Shalom!