Bumper Stickers

Don't play stupid with me. I'm better at it.

You are right where you belong. Behind me.

Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.

Do unto others before they do unto you.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.

Experience is learning a lot of crap you didn't really want to know.

I used to care, but I take a pill for that now.

If 10 percent is good enough for God, it should be enough for the IRS.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. The answer is yes.

Was today really necessary?

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

The more I learn, the less I understand.

Just because people don't understand you doesn't make you an artist.

Love is grand. Divorce is fifty grand.

There are two important things to remember about surrealism. Frogs, power tools, and the Lincoln Memorial.

I came here with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat.

Pass carefully. Driver chews tobacco.

O.K., I take it back. Unscrew you.

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.

Taxation with representation isn't so hot, either!

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Better living through denial.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

I got a gun for my wife. Best trade I ever made.

So you're a feminist. Isn't that cute!

I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?

I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Prevent inbreeding. Ban country music.

The bigger the jackass, the louder the bray.

If you lived in your car, you would be home right now.

Beauty is only a light switch away.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.

I'm not completely worthless. I can be used as a bad example.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.