The Lighter Side, Part 2:)

[suki44883]

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything
under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says,"Yeah. I was a salesman back in North Dakota ."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.
I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up
the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says, "One".

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day.
How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.65".

The boss says, "$101,237.65?" What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says,"First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium
fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new
fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down
the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat so we went down to the
boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him
down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a
BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said, "No the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and I
said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot - you should go fishing'."

[Wolfchild]

A new kind of health care system…
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to ***** Mr. Smith's boil!"

[Wolfchild]

Yet another miracle of sanity being restored…
When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things." My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed. Aren't older women great. They really know how to solve your mid-life crises....

[cocobella]

Missing your jokes Wolfchild!

[least]

Originally Posted by cocobella

Missing your jokes Wolfchild!

Ditto!!! Where are you? We need your jokes! Please come back!

[aussieblue]

Originally Posted by cocobella

Missing your jokes Wolfchild!

[Dee74]

A duck goes into a furniture store and says 'got any duck food?'
The guy at the counter says, 'sorry, we don't sell duck food'.
The little duck walks out.
The next day, same duck, same guy. 'Got any duck food?'
'Sorry little duck, I told you yesterday, no duck food here. '
The duck walks out.
Next day, again, 'got any duck food?'
The guy says 'No! we don't sell duck food! and if you come in here again I'm gonna nail your feet to the floor!'
The duck walks out. next day, duck walks in. 'Got any nails? '
The guy says 'what?... no'.
'...got any duck food?'



D

[look4billw]

Blonde avoiding trees

A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver.

"Mam, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road"?

The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here!! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"

Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."

[look4billw]

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants.

You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

[aussieblue]

I know this guy , he had 35 concussions in one week
35!!!!!!!!
He lives down the road
only a stones throw away.








sorry.





.

[look4billw]

They are stopped by the police

John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."

Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."

So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."

And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.

Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."

Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!"

The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"

Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk."

[suki44883]

[aussieblue]

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition
it seems that his father, grandfather and great grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday .On that day they each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around he and his mate Mick took a boat to the middle of the lake, Paddy stepped out and nearly drowned , Mick just barely managed to save him.
Furious and confussed Paddy went to see his grandmother.
"Grandma" he asked "tis me 18th birthday so why can't I walk across the lake like me father and his father and his father before him"?
Granny looked deeply into Paddy's troubled eyes and said "because ye father , ye grandfather and ye great gandfather
were all born in December when the lake was fozen over , and you were born in August ya idiot."

[orcoast]

I only drink two days a year,
On my birthday,
and when it's not my birthday

[orcoast]

My therapist keeps charging me the same amount of money,
but wants ME to do all the talking.

Drugs lead nowhere,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,but it's the scenic route!!!!

Life's rainbows only come after the storms

[LovesToTravel]

One night Jack Evans, along with his 3 university friends went out drinking till late night, as many college students are prone to do, and didn't study for their test, which, of course, was scheduled for the next day.

In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty and weird as they could with grease and dirt. They went up to the dean and explained that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tire of their car burst.
They continued to explain how they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test. The dean, being a compassionate human being said that they could take the test after 3 days.
The students graciously replied that they'd be ready by that time.

On the third day, they appeared before the dean. The dean explained that since this was a special test all four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the duration of the exam.

They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last three days.
The test consisted of 5 questions with total of 100 points :

MID SEMESTER COURSEWORK EXAMINATION INSTRUCTIONS :

All questions are required. Any inconsistencies on any of the questions among the four students will result in all the candidates getting a zero mark.
Q.1. Write down your name. ----- (2 POINTS)
Q.2. Write the name of the bride and bridegroom at the wedding you attended. ----- (30 POINTS)
Q.3. What type of a car were you driving ? ------(20 POINTS)
Q.4. Which tire burst ? ------- (28 POINTS)
Q.5. Who was driving ? ------ (20 POINTS)

[InsertNameHere]

What is an agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac?





Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.

[Martin2011]

I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend

"That's us in 10 years".

He said "That's a mirror, dipshit

[suki44883]

^^^^ ^^^^

[InsertNameHere]

A guy walks into a bar that is on the top floor of a sky scaper, the bartender knowingly nods his way and gives him a shot of liquor. The man drinks the shot seemingly without effort and straight away walks to the closest window. He opens the window and looks down at the street far below, then jumps out. He falls and falls and falls then at the last second he lands on his feet unharmed, walks back in the building takes the elevator up and orders another shot. The whole process repeats itself much to the astonishment of the other patrons in the bar. On the third time a second man at the bar who had already been there for a while, slurres out "Bartenter give me whatever it is he's drinking!" The bartender pours the shot and the man puts it back with an apparent wince and gag. but as he puts the glass down he points at the first man and says "If you can do it so can I" and walks over to the window. he looks down, then looks back at the first man who gives him ever the slightest of nods, then he jumps. He falls, falls, falls, smack! Dead on the sidewalk.

The bartender shakes his head and says "superman you can be a real dick when your drinking."