The Lighter Side

[Wolfchild]

Just jokes of general humour please....


Two NA members died!!!! Then, they went to hell.
.....after a period of time, the Devil called God:
The Devil: God, two people arrived here and opened an NA meeting,
and I don't like it; I want to send them to heaven.
God: No, if they went to hell, there must be a reason for that. Keep
them there.
The Devil got really mad and hung up. A few weeks later, the
Devil called God back:
Devil: God, there are 7 NA groups here with 30 unfortunate souls in
each group. I want to send everybody to heaven. Now!
God: I told you, there must be a reason for that (and
hung up).
After 2 months, the Devil was very furious and he called God again.
Devil: God, there is an Area now and they are talking about having a
spiritual retreat, what the f…. is that?
God: Go to the group and find out what it's about (and hung up).
After 1, 2, 3 months, God had not received any calls from the Devil
and he started to worry.
On the 4th month, God decided to call the Devil:
Devil: Help Line of Narcotics Anonymous, this is the Devil, an addict
in recovery. How can I help you?

[Wolfchild]

Good Deed
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the back door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning." He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks. "No. I did not. It is three o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside!"
His wife said, "Don't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello. Are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.

[caraway]

Thats funny!

[Wolfchild]

Designated Decoy
A routine police patrol was parked outside a local bar. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his own car and fell into it. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles.
At last he pulled out the parking lot and started to drive down the street, the police officer, having patiently waited all that time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulling the man over and carried his breathalyzer test with him ...
To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all! Dumfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station, this breathalyzer must be broken. "I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the Designated Decoy."

[Wolfchild]

What gender is a computer?
A language teacher was explaining to her class that in French, nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.
For example,
"House" in French, is feminine........"La maison". "Pencil" in French, is masculine...."le crayon".
One puzzled student asked, "What gender is a computer?"
The teacher did not know, and the word was not in her French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups, appropriately enough, by gender, and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computer"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ('le computer") because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

By a majority vote, the women's group definition was accepted.

[Wolfchild]

The Game
A cocaine addicted lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The drugged out attorney leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains......I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa. Again, she politely declines
and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn.
She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into
the Air phone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. No answer.
He goes to the bathroom and snorts a line and ponders his situation. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows; all to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands
her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

[indigo]

These are actual quotes of what people said in court, word for word:

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

I can't remember.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks



Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?



Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.



Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years



Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.



Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.



Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.



Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?



Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?



Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?



Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?



Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?



Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.



Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.



Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral?



Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.



Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?



Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.



Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?



Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?



Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?



Q: Did he kill you?



Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision



Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?



Q: How many times have you committed suicide?



Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

[Wolfchild]

First Aid
A guy decides to take off work early from work and go drinking. He stays in the bar until it closes at 2 in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he gets back to his house, he doesn't want to
wake anyone up, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs.
Halfway up the stairs, he loses his balance, falls over backwards, and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had a couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets and they
broke. The broken glass carved up his rear end terribly, but he was so drunk he didn't know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he saw some blood. He checked himself out in the mirror and sure enough, his rear end is cut up something terrible. He repaired the damage as best he could
under the circumstances and went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting and his rear was hurting, and he was lying under the covers trying to think up a good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You were plastered last night - where'd you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

[Wolfchild]

Hot Wheels
A man's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the man stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting loudly. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

[Wolfchild]

Cold Shot
It was Friday afternoon and Joe was leaving work, when several of his friends invited him to stop at the tavern before he went home. Joe said, "Why not, I deserve it. I worked hard this week." So off they went. Well Joe quickly polished off three cold drafts and then ordered a shot and a beer. Soon he was feeling fine.
Time passed and Joe looked at his watch. "Oh man, I'm late for supper, the old lady's going to be mad." Joe thought for a minute and decided to order another shot and a beer while he thought of a good excuse. Soon Joe got caught up in all the excitement and forgot about going home. He just kept on drinking.
Late into the evening one of Joe's old High School party friends showed up. He motioned for Joe to follow and Joe hopped off his bar stool and followed his friend into the bathroom. Joe's friend opened his wallet and pulled out a small aluminum packet and said, "Got some great coke." Then Joe was off to the races. Three days passed before Joe finally returned home.
Joe's wife spent the better part of the next three hours yelling at him. She nagged and nagged. She cried and cried. Finally, hoping to elicit some guilt she said, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for three days. Joe thoughtfully responded, "What would be wrong with that?"
All day Tuesday went by and Joe didn't see his wife. Then Wednesday came and went, still he didn't even get a peak at his wife. Then all day Thursday passed and still no sight of his wife. Finally, Friday rolled around and the swelling around his eyes had gone down enough that he could just barely see his wife out of the corner of one eye.

[citychick]

Hot Wheels...LOL

[Wolfchild]

Double Trouble
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."
The other guy responds proudly,"Yes, that I am!"
The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I!"
"And what street did you live on in Dublin?"
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith and it's a small world, so did I”.
"And to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course."
The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar on this very night. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."
About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
The bartender walks over shaking his head and mutters "It's going to be a long night. The Murphy twins are drunk again.”

[Wolfchild]

Republicans and Democrats
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me sounds technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Republican."
"I am," replied the balloonist "How did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect ME to solve your problem. Now, you're in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, it's now MY fault."

[Wolfchild]

Lottery Winnings
A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
Her alcoholic husband says, "Oh My Gosh, No kiddin. What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
The wife yells back, "It doesn't matter. Just get out."

[Wolfchild]

Tongue Tied
Two police officers saw this old woman staggering down the street, stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home.
They loaded her into the police cruiser one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman. As they drove through the streets they kept asking the woman where she lived, all she would say as she stroked the officers arm is "Your passionate".
They drove awhile longer and asked again, again the same response as she stroked his arm "Your passionate".
The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, "Look, we have driven around this city for two hours and you still haven't told us where you live."
She replied, “I keep trying to tell you 'Your passin it!'"

[Wolfchild]

Dr. Seuss Explains Why Computers Crash
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your Window in the trash, and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse; then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk, and the macro code instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!

[Wolfchild]

No Facilities
Two Irishmen, who both were party animals, managed to save a little money. Soon they called their travel agent and had booked a luxury cruise. They anxiously awaited their departure date and talked for weeks about all the partying they would do. A few weeks passed and then it was time for Bon Voyage.
Excited, they walked up the gangplank and were shown to there stateroom where a cold bottle of champagne waited. Soon the ship pulled away from the docks, and the two men were off to the races. Both were well on their way to being totally wasted when an announcement came over the loud speaker, "Abandon Ship!"
Neither man could believe his ears, but soon realized this was no joke. They made there way to the lifeboats and climbed into the last one and were lowered into the sea. Days passed and they began to feel desperate as they drifted alone. All their drugs had been consumed and both were quite parched. "Man, I could really use a drink about now," one said.
His friend began to vigorously search throughout the life raft. He happened upon an old dusty bottle underneath one of the seats. As he dusted off the bottle and rubbed the label to see what was in the container - a genie popped out. The genie told the men he had been trapped in the bottle for a long time and was going to leave right away for home to see his family.
The older man spoke up and said, "Wait, don't we get three wishes?" The genie, grateful to have been set free, hurriedly said, "I really have to go, I'm in a hurry to see my family, but I will grant you one wish before I leave." The man thought for a moment and said, "We have nothing to drink and we will die out here soon, so I wish the entire ocean was made of Guinness. Instantly the genie waved his hands and then disappeared. The color of the sea changed. Both of the men bent over the side of the boat and tasted the liquid.
Sure enough, it was Guinness and it was even cold. The older man looked at his friend and said, "This is the best Guinness I've ever had." The other quickly agreed, but added, "You know what this means. Now we will have to pee in the boat!"

[Wolfchild]

George Carlin Quotes:
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts, but as mattresses?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him . . . is he still wrong?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
The older you get, the better you realize you were.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

[Wolfchild]

Telling The Truth
Police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 mph, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 65, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her afghan, his wife says sweetly, "Now don't be silly dear, you know very well this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer makes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out a second ticket for the illegal radar detector, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
"Dammit woman, shut your mouth! NOW!"
The officer frowns and says, "And, I notice you're not wearing your seat belt, sir, that's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over to get my license out of my back pocket."
And the wife says, "Now dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on, you never wear your seat belt when you're driving the Corvette."
And, as the officer makes out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP!"
And the officer looks over at the woman and says, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Oh heavens no, officer, only when he's been drinking..."