The Lighter Side

[Wolfchild]

You might be a hillbilly if...
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People."
You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
You wonder how gas stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Someone in your family died right after saying "Hey, y'all watch this!"
Your Junior / Senior prom had a daycare.
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.
Ya' can't git married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a dang law against it.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

[Wolfchild]

Repeat Offender….
A good Samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk, "Do you live here?"
"Yep", replied the inebriated man.
"Would you like me to help you upstairs?"
"Yep", the drunk said again.
When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked, "Is this your floor?"
"Yep", was the reply again.
Then the good Samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?"
"Yep", said the drunken man.
"Would you like me to help you upstairs?"
"Yep", he replied with a slur.
So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs.
Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him, but before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried, "Please officer, protect me from this man. He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"

[soizan]

Blind Luck

A young woman has just undressed to step into the shower when the doorbell rings. She goes to the door and says, "Who is it?"

"Blind man," comes the reply.

So instead of going back to the bathroom for her robe, she opens the door.

"Hmmm.. nice body, lady. Where do you want the blinds?"

[Wolfchild]

Brothers in arms…
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

[Wolfchild]

Look, but don’t duck…
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"
"So?", asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

[Wolfchild]

Revised Perspectives...

PRESBYTERIAN:
BEST IN PRAYER

THE EYES:
THEY SEE

THE MORSE CODE :
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
CASH LOST IN ME

ELECTION RESULTS:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

[Wolfchild]

Let the good times roll…
One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.
"What's the matter?", the bartender asks.
"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy, "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 30 days."
The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?", asked the bartender.
"Yeah, except today is the last night."

[Wolfchild]

That voodoo he do…
A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots."
Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?"
The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here." and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.
The bartender asks, "He can drink?"
"Oh, sure. He can drink.", replies the man.
So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
"That's amazing", says the bartender, "What else can he do, can he walk?"
The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.
The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing", he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"
The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's powers!"

[Wolfchild]

Live entertainment….
A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her.
Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.
The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half an hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.
The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did midair flips, and leaped high in the air.
She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"
The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him -
HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"

[Wolfchild]

Leaving the light on…
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand.
Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet.
The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor.
The patient replied in an irritated fashion, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"
The doctor inquired, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?"
"Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb."
The doctor asks, "If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?"
"What? And work in the dark!?!"

[Wolfchild]

In so many words…
Billie and Tillie were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses. After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?"
The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him!"

[Wolfchild]

Water under the bridge…
One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever.
The diver went below another 20 ft, but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 ft, but minutes later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalk-and-board set, and wrote, "How the hell are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"
The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote -"I'M DROWNING, YOU MORON!!!"

[Wolfchild]

Man’s best friend….
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family has been barred from the church from that time.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I wanted to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex.". My case comes up next Thursday.
Well, now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I don’t want to live any longer so lonely." And the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend... so get yourself a dog."

[itssnowingout]

Originally Posted by Wolfchild

Hot Wheels
A man's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the man stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting loudly. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

That is hilarious!

[Wolfchild]

Mixed nuts…
It was dusk when a man had a flat tire right in front of a mental health hospital. After unscrewing the four nuts of the flat tire, he noticed that a hospital patient was watching him from over a nearby embankment. He got the tire off and was putting on the spare when he managed to step on the hubcap in which he had carefully placed the nuts. To his dismay, the nuts went flying into the grass on the side of the road. So he got on his hands and knees and started searching in vain for the nuts in the semi-darkness.
A few minutes later he heard the mental patient chuckle, so he shouted at him irritably, "What are you laughing at?"
The other guy explained: "Well, you have three other tires, each of which has four nuts. If you were to take one nut from each, you'll end up with four tires being held in place with three nuts per tire. This should be safe enough for you to drive to the next town over, where you can buy a new set of nuts."
Embarrassed, the poor car driver couldn't help asking, "How come you're so clever and you're in a mental hospital?"
The patient replied, "I may be crazy, but I'm not stupid!"

[Wolfchild]

Things you would never know if it weren't for the movies...
Large, loft apartments in New York City are plentiful and affordable, even if the tenants are unemployed.
One of a pair of identical twins is evil.
Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry about which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
It doesn't matter if you are greatly outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one... dancing around in a threatening manner until you have dispatched their predecessors.
When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible but slightly blue.
If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to be a world-famous expert on nuclear fission, dinosaurs, hieroglyphics, or anything else, at the age of 22.
Honest and hard-working policemen are usually gunned down a day or two before retirement.
Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies using complex machinery involving fuses, deadly gasses, lasers, buzz saws and hungry sharks, all of which will give their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
During all crime investigations, it is necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
All beds have special L-shaped covers that reach up to the armpits of a woman but only to the waist of the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one French bread and one bunch of carrots with leafy tops.
It's easy to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
If you are beautiful, your makeup never rubs off, even while scuba-diving or fighting aliens. However if you are overweight, your mascara will run and your lipstick will smear.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
A man will show no pain while taking the most horrific beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is what they happened to be wearing when the car broke down.
If someone says "I'll be right back", they won't.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel from time to time.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
A police detective can only solve a case after he has been suspended from duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone around you will be able to mirror all the steps you come up with, and hear the music in your head.
Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure each is assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

[Wolfchild]

Reinventing the wheel…
This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.
He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."
"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?"
"A fottle”, replies the inventor.
"A fottle? That's a stupid! Can't you think of something else?"
"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."
"And what do you call that?", asks the clerk.
"A farton", replies the inventor.
"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that!"
"In that case," says the inventor...
"You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."

[Wolfchild]

Ignorance is bliss?
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg.
The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.
Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again Said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"
Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance, and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!

[Wolfchild]

Timeless beauty…
A man walks into a bar and orders one shot. Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot. After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot. The bartender is curious and asks him, "Every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?"
The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home."

[Wolfchild]

A Fare Trade…
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabby. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.
The cabby said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab."
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabby replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

[Wolfchild]

All about the money...
A guy took his somewhat ditzy girlfriend to a football game for the first time. After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game.
"Oh, I really liked it," she said, "but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents."
"What on earth do you mean???"
"Well I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game all they kept screaming was: Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"

[Wolfchild]

Don’t ask, don’t tell….
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove-box, and that there was a body in the trunk?
Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet the big liar told you I was speeding too!

[Wolfchild]

Rational Thinking….
A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.
After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around.
She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what do you have to say about this experiment?"
He responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"

[Wolfchild]

The simple solution…
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.
But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me." The husband says, "WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So, the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. They walk around and he has her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then he goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.
He then takes her to the jewelry dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She also looks at a tennis bracelet.
The husband says, "But you don 't even play tennis, but OK, if you like it then lets get it.'
The wife is jumping up and down. So excited that she cannot even believe what is going on. She says, "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. "
The husband says, "No no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank.
"No honey, I just wanted you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"

[Wolfchild]

Advice is not cheap…
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.