The Lighter Side

[Wolfchild]

Present and accounted for…
The Sergeant had hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh sir, did you know that your barracks door was open?"
He did not understand her remark, but later on happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee.
Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?"
The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, "Why, no sir, all I saw was a tiny disabled veteran, sitting on two oversized duffel bags!"

[Wolfchild]

Caught in the crossfire…
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next."

[suki44883]

A blond city girl named Amy marries a Montana rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,

'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blond, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, ' And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blond turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,

'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

(It's nice to see a blond win once in awhile.)

[Wolfchild]

So easy she can do it in her sleep…
A girl called Jess keeps falling asleep in class. One day the teacher comes up to her and asks, “Jessica, tell me who died on the cross.”
Jess is sleeping so a boy pokes her in the back with a pencil. In shock she jumps and goes, “JESUS CHRIST!”
“Correct!”, the teacher replies.
A few minutes later Jess falls back asleep and the teacher comes over and asks, “Jessica, tell me who created the world.”
She doesn’t reply so the boy pokes her in the back with a pencil again. Jess once again jumps in fright and exclaims “GOD ALMIGHTY!!”
“Correct!!, the teacher replies.
Jess falls asleep again so the teacher comes over and asks, “Jessica, what did Eve say to Adam after their 29th child?!
Jess is sleeping so the boy pokes her again. She is so annoyed that she stands up and says, “If you poke that thing in me one more time I’m gonna rip it off you!!!”

[Wolfchild]

How quickly we forget…
There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.
Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will."
The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say yes or did she say no?" He couldn’t remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. No even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn’t remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say Yes or did you say No?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, Yes, yes I will and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn’t remember who had asked me."

[suki44883]

The elderly couple ......

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together. After the husband's examination, the doctor then said to him, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like discuss with me?"

"In fact, I do," said the man. "After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

"This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get back to you."

After examining the elderly wife, the doctor said to her, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The doctor then asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that old buzzard!" she replied.

"That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!"

[Wolfchild]

Persistence might just pay off…
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.' The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. 'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

[sailorjohn]

[Wolfchild]

A Weak In The Life...
DAY 1: Wake up and put on a nicotine patch to once and for all quit pack-a-day habit. Write list of reasons: Live 15 years longer, have healthy children, be socially acceptable. Tear up list and make better one: Look younger, have fewer wrinkles, get more dates, spite enemies. Decide to go out and buy carrots, celery, gum, orange juice, fruit, sugar-free lollipops and rice cakes. Eat it all by 11 a.m., desperately craving cigarette. Try to work. Instead take all-day nap. Have a drink later with old boyfriend Peter, who says, "Kissing a smoker is like licking a dirty ashtray," then drinks seven beers and a Cognac and comes on to me. Actually consider it, but can't face sex without a cigarette later. At 2 a.m., go out and purchase three packages of fat-free Entenmann's brownies.
DAY 2: Wake up sick from brownies and cold caught by walking 14 blocks to get them at 2 a.m. Put on patch. Buy Sudafed. Take two. Feel better. Feel delirious. Take a nap. Try to work, but can't concentrate on anything but wanting to smoke. One hour on exercise bike: Oprah's "Mothers Who Want Their Kids Taken Away" puts problem into perspective. Read that schizophrenics and manic-depressives in mental hospitals commit suicide when their cigarettes are taken away. Decide never to have children. Ask brother the doctor for 65 more patches. Take another Sudafed. Is there a Sudafed group in the city?
DAY 3: Put on patch. Have breakfast with friend Vern who says that after he quit smoking, his concentration didn't come back for two years. Scan obits for people who died of lung cancer and feel happy when they're in their 50's. Take a nap, dream I'm smoking and feel sad that I went off the wagon. Wake up and find I'm not, but want to be. Take 100 deep breaths. Breathing is overrated. Take a walk and count how many stores on the blocks sell cigarettes. Get more patches in mail from brother, along with pictures of cancerous tumors. Try to work. See a movie with Peter in which all actors smoke. Eat two buckets of popcorn. Peter says: "My cousin Jane quit in three days on Nicorettes. Try Nicorettes," though I told him I tried them and threw up, then went out and smoked two packs to get the taste out of my mouth. Don't invite him in. Read that nicotine's harder to quit than heroine. Take another Sudafed.
DAY 4: Put on patch. Think of smoking. Brother calls to say don't even think of smoking with patch on, someone's fingers fell off. Lunch with Andrea, who coughed every time I took out a cigarette for 15 years but now says,” I can't hang out with you when you're like this, you're too intense." Bump into old colleague Dave, who quit smoking and gained 29 pounds in four months but thinks it was the smart choice. Consider heroin. Try to work but realize it's impossible to be a freelance writer, a nonsmoker and thin in the same year. Sudafed losing its bite, check intro Comtrex. Negotiate self-destructive behaviors: decide that taking sleeping pill, smoking a joint, getting drunk or having sex with Peter one more time is better than a Marlboro or Oreos, though not if done on the same night.
DAY 5: Put on patch. Feel depressed and edgy, sweating. Hand shaking while reading the newspaper, where tobacco company executives say nicotine isn't addictive. Buy a pacifier, pretending it's a cool rap toy, wondering why anyone expects morality from the people who plastered penis-faced camels all over the country. Think of 10 70-year-old smokers still alive. Dinner with novelist friend Kathy, who chain-smokes in my face while saying she thinks it's great that I'm quitting. On way home, try to buy a 25-cent loosie (loose cigarette) at local bodega but guy thinks I'm cigarette police. Take it as an omen. Try to think of one famous writer to doesn't drink or smoke.
DAY 6: Put patch on. Walk around city chewing. Do high-impact aerobics for three hours. Walk out of health club wanting cigarette. Stare at people smoking and wonder why they look so beautiful and happy. Think of money I'm saving from not smoking. Spend $46 on seven boxes of fat-free cookies, 27 cinnamon sticks and three Lean Cuisines. Snap rubber band around wrist 100 times. My father, an oncologist, says, "You'll never do it," forgetting that when he quit his 35-year three-pack-a-day habit he gained 35 pounds and smoked a six-inch cigar every night. Decide neurosis is genetic. On stationary bike watch "Saturday Night Live," which quotes tobacco execs saying that the 400,000 annual smoking- related deaths aren't really dead. Neighbor complains bike makes too much noise. Do serenity exercises. Picture sitting on a tropical beach, where I'm happily smoking.
DAY 7: Put on patch. Have brunch with Peter, who says, while drinking six margaritas, that I've gained weight and need to learn more self-control. Make note to quit Peter. Read article about Bosnia, noticing only that soldier in picture is smoking. Eat more celery, fruit, salad. Polish off Oreos. Feel sick and bloated, dying for cigarette. Take off patch. Run outside. Bum cigarette from homeless person, who lights it. Puff slowly. Feel happy for the first time in six days. Stop coughing, calm down. Finish two articles. Go back outside, offer same guy $2 for two more cigarettes. Smoke them quickly. Feel nauseated, dizzy. Bump into Vern and Andrea, who say: "We were just coming by to say how proud we are that you haven't smoked in a week! Congratulations!" Feel guilty, defeated. Drink bottle of wine by myself. Fall asleep on couch with clothes on.
DAY 1: Wake up and put on nicotine patch to once and for all....

[Wolfchild]

It’s the thought that counts…
Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks.
After a sip of his Martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her."
The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, then she could go f*** herself."

[Wolfchild]

An unreliable alibi…
A wife is having sex with her husband's best friend one day. Soon the phone rings, so she answers it.
"Yes... uh, huh... OK... yes... bye."
Her husband's best friend says, "Who was it?"
"That was my husband," she replied.
The man jumped out of bed, and tried to put on his clothes in a hurry.
"Relax," said the wife. "He just called to tell me he was out playing golf with you"

[Wolfchild]

Top Ten Things Not To Say To Your New Girlfriend's Parents...
10. Can I pull my car in your garage? I'm not sure how long that cop car will stay lost.
9. There ain't nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Sara's will be okay too.
8. Nice place you got here. That painting looks expensive. I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn't it?
7. Sara is so pretty I've decided to give up being bisexual just for her.
6. Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable in my opinion.
5. We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now. My wife can be rather vindictive at times.
4. Can you believe it! Those bastards at the corner market won't cash my welfare check!
3. Which one of you taught Sara to give such great head?
2. Did you see that alien spaceship that flew over town yesterday?
1. My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on me.

[Wolfchild]

Rocket science made simple…
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir
Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned
out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class because
it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind
in his orders .
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here; I'll go on a head."
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep Off the Grass."
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion .
18. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. Don't join dangerous cults. Practice safe sects.

[Wolfchild]

A slip of the tongue…
At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy.
"No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret."
"I don't know about that," answered a blonde female guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was 21."
"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted.
"I hardly think so," responded the blonde. "When a woman has kept a secret for 27 years, she can keep it forever."

[Wolfchild]

Waiting for the next bus…
A preacher goes into a bar and says: "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up."
Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says: "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?"
The drunk says: "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."

[Wolfchild]

Show me the money…
Wife: Okay, today's Friday. Where's your pay envelope?
Man: I already spent all my pay. I bought something for the house.
Wife: What? What could you buy for the house that cost $480?
Man: Eight rounds of drinks.

[Wolfchild]

One day at the casino…
Two casino dealers are at the craps table when a cute blonde comes over and says: "I want to bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice. But, if you don't mind, I'd I feel much luckier if I were completely nude."
They agree to her unusual request and she strips naked from the neck down, and rolls the dice. Then she screams: "I won! I won!" She starts jumping up and down, hugs each of the dealers, and then picks up her money and her clothes and walks away.
For a minute the two dealers stare at each other. Then the first one says: "What did she roll, anyway?"
The second dealer says: "I don't know. I thought you were watching."

[Wolfchild]

You know it’s been a bad day when…
Your income tax refund check bounces.
You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/ex-husband.
The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
Your car payment, house payment, and girlfriend are three months overdue.
The restaurant check has been on the table for ten minutes...and no one has touched it.
You realize that you have memorized the back of your cereal box.
Your kids start treating you the same way you treated your parents.
Everyone is laughing but you.
The gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money.
Your mother approves of the person you are dating.
You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
You get to work and find a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.
Your 4-year-old tells you that it's almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet.
You turn on the evening news and they are showing emergency routes out of the city.

[joeallan]

Miss Beatrice , The church organist, Was in her eighties And had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness And kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ , The young minister Noticed a cute glass bowl Sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled With water, and in the water Floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned With tea and scones, They began to chat . The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and it's strange floater. But soon, it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through The Park a few months ago And I found this little package on the ground. The directions said To place it on the organ, Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.


Joe

[joeallan]

This was written by a guy...it is GREAT!.

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all Dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least she knows I'm smarter than her.



Joe

[Wolfchild]

1. Expensive Woman
Most women falls into this definition. Expensive women can be recognized by the following - fur coats, $500 dresses, spandex, bright colored shorts, and shirts with greek letters on them. 98% of good women fall into this category.
Advantages: If you can afford it, it will be great.
Disadvantages: Many, mostly in the form of checking account depletion. Often not worth it.

2. Cheap Woman
Very rare. Usually comes in the form of a girlfriend of yours who will not go away no matter what you do. Cheap women can be recognized by the following - she will often pay for dinner, understands when you are broke, calls every day, wants it constantly, easily hurt, but shakes it off.
Advantages: Inexpensive, guaranteed, loving, will try anything once and sometimes twice. You're lucky if you find this.
Disadvantages: Won't go away, possessive, bugs you all the time, can keep you from the tasks of finding other women, will eventually want to get married and/or have children soon thus ruining it. Often not worth it.

3. Hired Woman
Found in the Hollywood area of Southern California and in every other large city in the US and abroad. Recognized by scanty clothes and come-hither looks. Expense varies greatly with the quality. The difference between Hired women and Expensive women is that the money is up-front.
Advantages: You don't have to stick around, won't tell your girlfriend, and doesn’t care who you are or what you look like, often very experienced, usually cheaper than Expensive women.
Disadvantages: More expensive than Cheap women in the long run, risk of disease is high, is illegal in most areas and the risk of jail time is high. Often not worth it.

4. Virgin Woman
This type is getting rarer each day. Recognized by conservative clothes, good manners, and a marked distaste for dirty jokes and porno movies. Can be very loving if you promise marriage, but will cause you more problems as you go along. Frustration level is high as Virgin women tends to want to stay that way for some unknown reason.
Advantages: Risk of disease is very low, will offer a very tight "fit" if it gives in, sometimes open to new experience, will often offer "other" services if virginity is to be maintained.
Disadvantages: Usually will not give in until marriage, will cause discomfort upon use, not very imaginative, not usually into using birth control which can cause "accidents", can only be used once. Usually not worth it unless you're into that sort of thing.

5. Nympho Woman
Very rare. Recognized by the tendency to drag you by your balls into bed and going at it to the point of exhaustion Very experienced, will teach you things you never knew. Expense varies depending on level of Nymphomania.
Advantages: Will send you into la-la land, will try anything once.
Disadvantages: You are probably not the only one, thus disease risk can be high, will tire you out and ask for more, can be unstable, will not give a steady relationship. Often not worth it.

6. Frigid Woman
Less rare. See (4) for recognition. Difference is that this woman will not yield no matter what. Any expense involved is simply wasted (unless you are into real frustration).
Advantages: There are no advantages.
Disadvantages: Too many to list here. Best to stay away once recognized. Never worth it.

7. Innocent Nympho Woman
Rare. Recognized by being in a small, sweet, innocent package which you would never in a million years think would give in, but when it does, you are in for a hell of a surprise. Often mistaken for (4). Expense varies, but usually falls into the cheaper category.
Advantages: The surprise is blissful. Always worth it. Keep it if you can.
Disadvantages: If (4) is mistaken for (7), serious consequences may result. May or may not be faithful.

8. Party Woman
Found at bars and at parties. Recognized by glass of wine in hand and bloodshot eyes. Will engage in group festivities while completely ripped. Expense usually covers drinks. Make sure you are not ripped as to better enjoy the experience.
Advantages: Easy to obtain unless you are real unlucky. Be sure to say the right things.
Disadvantages: Disease risk is high, will not usually remain faithful, the Support System may tend to puke all over you. Often not worth it.

9. Nutsy Woman
Support System has psychological problems. Recognized by the fact that she will go out with you, then spill her problems on you. May tend to kill you while you sleep. Gives in for no apparent reason. Usually found as a quiet co-worker.
Advantages: Easy.
Disadvantages: Never really worth it.

[Rusty Zipper]