Marriage Rules!

[StillInTheDumps]

Subject: Marriage Rules

A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and, after the
wedding, laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I
want, and at what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I
expect a great dinner to be on the
table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and
card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard
time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No,
that's fine with me. Just
understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether
you're here or not."

MARRIAGE (PART II)

A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding
anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'" "Yeah?!" she replies.
"When
you die, I'm getting you a
headstone that reads,'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

MARRIAGE (PART III)

A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. The
husband
gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms
out of the house. After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to
make
amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings and the
irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone? "She
says, "I was in bed." "What are you doing in bed at this hour?"! "Getting a
second opinion!"

MARRIAGE (PART IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud
of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of
her
objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time
to
go home and
wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the
top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of six?" His wife, irritated by
her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready,
Father of Four!"

MARRIAGE (PART V)

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double
martini on the rocks After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt
pocket, then he asks the bartender to prepare another double martini. After
he finishes that one, he
again peeks inside his shirt pocket and asks the bartender to bring another
double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis
all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket
before you order a refill." The man replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my
wife. When she
starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."

MARRIAGE (PART VI)

A 75-year-old woman went to the doctor for a check up. The doctor told her
she needed more cardiovascular activity, and recommended that she engage in
sexual activity three times a week. A bit embarrassed, she said to the
doctor,
"Please tell my husband." The doctor went out into the waiting room and
told
the husband that his wife needed sex three times a week. The 80-year-old
husband replied, "Which days?" The doctor answered, "Monday, Wednesday, and
Friday would be ideal. The
husband said, "I can bring her on Monday and Wednesday, but on Fridays,
she'll have to take the bus."