Something to offend everyone. - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

**Peter** · 05-07-2003, 10:00 AM

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE, PART I

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan.

What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of
the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts.

Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE, PART II

What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,
and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a
year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have
cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW? A porcupine has
the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are
you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia? Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes.

Why do driver's education classes in redneck schools use the car
only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE, PART III

Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They named him "Sum Ting Wong."

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the
other? A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at
half-mast? They're hiring.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO!"

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh..."

************************************************** **

Live · 05-07-2003, 10:04 AM

Oh good grief, these are so rude, I love rude, I am grinning ear to ear and trying to figure out how to forward them to my e-mail???

I hate to admit to being like this, but you made my day!

margo · 05-07-2003, 10:39 AM

Peter - ROFLMAO!!!

Live - highlight it, open your email, paste it, and mail it to yourself - voila!

Live · 05-07-2003, 10:44 AM

thank you!!! These are destined for weyerd distribution

Paulie · 05-07-2003, 11:13 AM

Peter -

I am rolling, tooo funny!!!!!!!!!

Juls · 05-07-2003, 10:54 PM

I guess we all have something of a perverted sense of humor, because this stuff cracked me up. Which is not easy to do.

Juls

MootPoint · 05-08-2003, 05:03 PM

OMG RFLMAO!!!!

**Ann** · 05-09-2003, 09:09 AM

Peter

These are too funny!!!

05-07-2003, 10:00 AM	#1 (permalink)
Peter Moderator Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: Leaving Sparta Posts: 2,931	Something to offend everyone. SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE, PART I What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan. What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag. Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts. Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any. SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE, PART II What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 45 lbs. What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes. What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife. Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls. What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?" Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia? Everyone has the same DNA. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes. Why do driver's education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it. SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE, PART III Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar. Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They named him "Sum Ting Wong." What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast? They're hiring. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO!" What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh..." ************************************************

05-07-2003, 10:04 AM	#2 (permalink)
Live Member Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Bristol TN/VA Posts: 11,305 Blog Entries: 5	Oh good grief, these are so rude, I love rude, I am grinning ear to ear and trying to figure out how to forward them to my e-mail??? I hate to admit to being like this, but you made my day! __________________ Each small candle lights a corner of the dark....Roger Waters

05-07-2003, 10:39 AM	#3 (permalink)
margo Member Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: North Vancouver, British Columbia Posts: 1,727	Peter - ROFLMAO!!! Live - highlight it, open your email, paste it, and mail it to yourself - voila! __________________ Sometimes I go about in pity for myself, and all the while a great wind is bearing me across the sky. ~Ojibwe saying~

05-07-2003, 10:44 AM	#4 (permalink)
Live Member Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Bristol TN/VA Posts: 11,305 Blog Entries: 5	thank you!!! These are destined for weyerd distribution __________________ Each small candle lights a corner of the dark....Roger Waters

05-07-2003, 11:13 AM	#5 (permalink)
Paulie It is what it is!!! Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Sobriety Posts: 5,785	Peter - I am rolling, tooo funny!!!!!!!!! __________________ I know more about how to live than I did yesterday, but not as much as I'll know tomorrow. Today, Ill learn something new~JFT, 1/27/06 The difference between a good day and a bad day, is about 2 days~Ann of SR

05-07-2003, 10:54 PM	#6 (permalink)
Juls Member Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: California, USA Posts: 1,095	I guess we all have something of a perverted sense of humor, because this stuff cracked me up. Which is not easy to do. Juls

05-08-2003, 05:03 PM	#7 (permalink)
MootPoint we're all mad here! Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: a padded room with bars Posts: 1,683	OMG RFLMAO!!!! __________________ The duke had a mind that ticked like a clock and, like a clock, it regularly went cuckoo. ---------Terry Pratchett

05-09-2003, 09:09 AM	#8 (permalink)
Ann Forum Leader Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: By The Lake Posts: 25,173	Peter These are too funny!!! __________________ “Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” ~Winnie the Pooh~

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Email this Page
Display Modes
Linear Mode Switch to Hybrid Mode Switch to Threaded Mode